The consequences of being you.

[Reefdawgs11]

Good morning. I am new here and would greatly appreciate the support this place has to offer. I am a 34 year male who struggles with depression and c-ptsd at least my old therapist said that. I was recently in a 3yr relationship. It was on and off. Mainly because of me, this woman loved me like no other. I went through life building defenses because I've been hurt and experienced trauma. I been shamed for being softer and emphatic. So I became the more cool and nothing affects me type. I say this because in my relationship I hurt this girl. I couldn't show her how I truly felt. I would critic her in my mind and even think of other woman. But I truly loved her. I am not used to stability so it was rough for me. I guess I tried to protect myself subconsciously. We been broken up basically 2 months. I lived in other room for a month. I pushed this girl away and didn't really realize it. When she cry I wouldn't know what to do. I would always apologize after cuz I always felt everything after. There is so much I can write. But since we separated, she said once I left she felt so much better. Her life is going good. She is talking to someone else and he is what I couldn't be. It kills me because I love her and to know I caused pain when I didn't mean to is devastating. She isn't mad at me, she knows it wasn't intentional. I know that I am a good man who wants to show her all my love and vulnerability. But I couldn't then. I'm hurting bad because of all this and the plan was to slowly start again. But that isn't happening. I feel like because of my issues, mental health I cannot have good things cuz I destroy them. My therapist abandon me about 2 months ago. And he was also our couples therapist. We lost a baby and been through alot. It hurts that I played a big part in her view of herself. Its destroys me to know I am unable to give her what she needs. It hurts to know that I can do what the other man can but because of my defenses and pains I can't. It destroys me because I had control of this but at the same time didn't. We could still be together if I just fought myself harder. Also I'm here to talk about mental health issues to its just my issues caused this to happen so its important to me now. Can anyone relate? Can anyone just talk to me? I need a community who understands the pains of being this way but not wanting to.

[Hb2003]

I understand how your feeling lots of kindness love and support 🙏- Hiba

[Pugglesworth]

Hi and welcome.

I'm sorry about your relationship. Mental health issues are sometimes tough on the ones we love. We can't control that. The best we can do is work on ourselves; however, part of that work can be helping others. That is tough, but it helps us step outside ourselves and our problems. Sometimes we get so focused on our issues that we can't see the forest because of the trees.

It sounds like you're going through heart break and that can be especially hard with a mental health issue. This is a good place to chat about that.

[Reefdawgs11 in reply to Pugglesworth]

Heartbreak and realizing that I am a low key monster. Kind of an abuser in a sense. Like the saying, hurt people hurt people. And yes, also dealing with depression and such makes it all intense.

[Pugglesworth in reply to Reefdawgs11]

I'm not sure we're qualified to judge ourselves a monster. The fact is we're too close to be objective about ourselves. We also tend to be hard on ourselves. It's a negativity bias our brain has. It's instinctual. It used to help us be the predator and not the prey. Our older brain centers are focused on the bad instead of the good for survival. This helped our ancestors avoid lions and tigers and bears (or at least take them on with a group behind us). With no more threats like that (at least not commonly) our brain looks for other bad stuff. It's just a very old habit we're born with.

Just the fact that you laid it all out in the open here tells me you're not the monster you believe yourself to be.

Monsters rarely know they're monsters.

[Reefdawgs11 in reply to Pugglesworth]

Thank you for that clarity. I just know my true self is better then this but the years haven't been to kind.

[pam4him]

So sorry for what you've been and are going through. Have you considered another therapist? They're not all the same and it sounds like you still need it. It may be that you'll have to let this person and the guilt go, work on yourself for a while, then think about starting new relationships. It could take some time, but it can also be worth it when that healthier relationship happens. Meanwhile, we are here to support you. Prayers for peace, strength and guidance.

[Reefdawgs11 in reply to pam4him]

Yes, I made a appointment for Monday. I just hate starting over with new therapist. Yes I do have to let it all go, very very hard. The working on myself is also a struggle. I desire it so bad, I hate what I've become but I feel I don't have the ability to truly change.

[pam4him in reply to Reefdawgs11]

It may take some time and digging deep down to find it. Just please don't give up. Prayers for added strength.