Only Actual Monsters Feel This Way

Hitting myself in the face doesn't work anymore, I need to stop feeling this way. I feel monstrous, I'm jealous of someone who died young because she had so many people who loved her. She made so many friends with her wit and personality, I felt the need to slap myself for continuing to fail to connect with people. I'm a waste of cells and I hope that I get sick and die. No one at my funeral but I won't feel anything anymore. Maybe cutting does work.

[Hidden]

I hope you can get some professional counseling. I'm not really qualified or have experience to help you in your situation. I do care about people though and I know through hard work and determination you can get better one day at a time. A lot of good self-help books out there and YouTube videos for free.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

That's very kind of you. I'm not going into counseling though, if I could I would have done it by now.

[Pickles19]

I’m so sorry you are feeling these hard and big feelings. You are not a waste of cells. You are not a monster. You are hurting, but you are important, your life is worth fighting for and it can improve. Please find a professional to help you through this.

[Hidden in reply to Pickles19]

I'm trying text based therapy but it's coming to an end soon. I'm not able to speak with a therapist, I'm very shy. I don't open up to anyone other than my mother, I'm not going to be that way in front of a stranger. I know it's helped people but I am not one of them.

[Pickles19 in reply to Hidden]

It’s always taken me a LONG time to truly open up to my therapist, but it did happen and I’m so thankful that I stuck with it. Thinking of you and hoping that it gets a bit easier.

[Kkimm]

HiSo sorry to hear how bad you are feeling.

Do feel free to start writing to me again if you think it will help.

My thoughts and best wishes are with you.

Kim

[Hidden in reply to Kkimm]

Thank you very much.

[hypercat54]

I am wondering why you are so against going to therapy. Is it due to the cost?

[Hidden in reply to hypercat54]

Yes and no, I am very shy, probably the biggest problem in my life is how shy I am. I don't like to talk to people, I am self conscious and there is no way I could be honest with a therapist face to face. I am in a study for text based therapy and it is coming to a close soon. It was fine but I don't think it helped me much. Granted it was only for three months but I read that most people feel somewhat better after 80 days. Asking me to go to traditional therapy is like asking me to be an Olympic gymnast when I cannot do a cartwheel. I know therapy exists, I would have done it by now if I could. I had a relative who recently passed away and she was in therapy for over thirty years for agoraphobia and she died an agoraphobic. It wouldn't help me anyway.

[hypercat54 in reply to Hidden]

There are many different types of therapy but none of them can work miracles as you have to put the work in and it's far from easy, but so worthwhile.

If you don't want this type of help then there is only the self help route available. There is lots of info online and some very good videos on YouTube too. People often mention the Clair Weeks books but I have never read them so can't vouch for them.

[Hidden in reply to hypercat54]

The cost is also a problem, I would not be able to pay for it. My parents would have to pay and then they would know I was in therapy and they would be waiting for me to get better which would be more pressure.

[FriendlyDude]

It’s never too late to turn things around no matter what course of life you’ve taken up to this point, you can always redirect yourself to a brighter future. It takes effort, time, and perseverance, but it IS possible trust me, I know.

Remember that these feelings you’re having are normal. I’ll say that again. It’s NORMAL. Also, you were here before those feelings, you’ll be here when/if they go away. Those feelings are NOT who you are. Recognize that those feelings are normal, come to terms with them, and then act on what you believe. If you think you shouldn’t be feeling that way, do something that reflects what you think you should be doing. Sometimes it’s better to focus on what we need to do/change going forward, rather than focusing on a problem.

I hope things get better for you, know that you are cared for. Oftentimes we just don’t see how much people really care. There was a local suicide several years ago, and people were affected all over, people who didn’t even know this person genuinely cared. People DO care about you, even if they don’t necessarily show it. If it means anything, l care

Please be safe, and keep trying. I believe in you

[Hidden in reply to FriendlyDude]

I know I am lucky to have my parents and the few relatives who are left, I don't have any friends. Not even one. I have gone for over thirty years of my life with no friends. No dates. Nothing. That is not normal. The feelings are normal, the situation is not.

[FriendlyDude in reply to Hidden]

Yeah, but the situation can change, that’s what I’m trying to say I believe in you!