Hi

[Violetbluepigeon]

I’m not in a good place mentally. From the outside you wouldn’t really know. I can pretend everything is ok for awhile but that’s exhausting. I feel like I should be better than I am at controlling my feelings. I’ve been feeling a lot of hateful feelings about myself and I am back in therapy but it’s hard to be authentic at all. I have a masters degree in social work and used to work with helping others but I can’t help myself anymore. It’s hard to take care of my son but I do it because he and my husband are all that really matter and I’m even probably making them feel fed up with me.

[Hidden]

Hi there....I could have written your post. In fact, I just posted on living with suicidal ideation,,,,though your situation doesn’t sound as severe as mine. I just wanted you to know that I totally get where you are coming from. It is no fun living life like that and I don’t know about you, but I wasn’t always like this. You sound like a very accomplished individual so I assume you have not always been this way either. Did something specific cause this? For me, it was trauma at an older age...I am in my 50’s. Please note that like you, no one would ever know how I really am as I fake it quite well on the outside.

[Violetbluepigeon in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for replying. Yes, it wasn’t always like this and some days are better than this one and a few have been worse. If I could pin point a specific thing it would be my brother’s overdose. He survived thankfully. I was with him when he took the pills, had picked him up from a friend’s house and he was on acid (told me that later) and had to call 911 and tried to help with things afterwards. Then he blamed me for it and just a whole bunch of bad stuff between his mother and our father (he’s my half brother). I’m in my late 30’s and while I’ve always seemed to be a sensitive type person I have really been struggling with anxiety and depression lately. I know I need better boundaries for one. I will have to look at your post and reply too. Sorry I just signed up for this site today.

[Joeyman]

Hello Violet, I feel your pain. Please don't blame yourself. It's not your fault. It's ok that you are feeling things the way you do; with time you will feel much better. Hats off to you for getting therapy. In the past you brought joy to so many people and you too deserve happiness and peace in your life. Great days lie ahead of you, rest assured.

[Violetbluepigeon]

Thank you so very much for your kind words. They mean a lot to me. I hope you are well and/or on your way to feeling well.

[kvolm2016]

Welcome and glad you are here to find some support and encouragement. First let me say thank you for your investment in the lives of others. The social work field is so critical but definitely so very taxing on most people who are in it! Is this a contributing factor to your current struggle? Glad to hear that you are working with a therapist. But yes, it is easy to be inauthentic which makes that process fairly unproductive. What is keeping you from being authentic in that?