Looking for a safe place to share

[Looking_for_help]

I have just started here a few weeks ago reading the posts. I was hoping just writing down my feelings in a safe environment might help me..... I'm 40 years old, been on medication since i was 18. I've had good times over the years, but right now I'm in a hole i can't seem to get myself out of. Constant panic, worrying, shaking, crying, nauseous. I am extremely sensitive with no self esteem or confidence in my self. Covid lockdown, working from home, and homeschooling my kids is too much. Then I received a promotion at work and that was the last straw that broke me. I'm overwhelmed. And in my brain it feels completely ridiculous to have what I feel like is a breakdown over a promotion. But my heart is pounding telling me I cant do it over and over. I cant eat or sleep and I wake up with cold sweats during the night. I cant take care of my kids and so my mother in law has been coming over the last week to take care of them and their homeschooling. My husband has taken over every thing else. I am grateful for the support, but the support is also hurting me, causes so much guilt and shame that I cant take care of my kids or myself. I started therapy really for the first time in my life this year, also had my medication increased. I don't know what medication is supposed to make me feel, having been on it for 22 years. I feel like I am failing my daughters who are 10 and 8. All they see is their mom crying non stop for weeks on end. How can I help them as they grow? They are going to have their own mental health issues and it will be my fault. And I am so very lucky to have my husband, which also makes me feel terrible because I also worry and panic about how I will cope if he ever dies. All I see in the future is all the terrible things that will happen that I wont be able to deal with. And I don't feel like I have the right to feel this way when so many have much worse situations. I feel like a burden. I'm scared and so very tired. I wouldn't wish this on anyone and I'm sorry there are so many of us struggling out there.

[Roxylox]

First of all, congrats on your promotion, you must be doing something right!

You seem to have many positives, including a good husband.

My husband would be more of a worrier than me. I often try and convince him some of the issues that worry him are trivial.

He is a very good husband. Being a worrier doesn't make him a burden. It just means he cares a lot, do take heart

[BrainIsFull]

Hi Looking. Good job on joining this group! It sounds like you are in a really tough spot right now. I am sorry that you are feeling so bad.

I can really relate to some of your feelings, especially about your kids. I also have 2 kids and at times I am sure that I am ruining there lives. I also have times when I know that I am doing a fine job with them.

I have been living with depression and anxiety since young childhood. I am 15 years older than you. I have been in therapy many, many times. (I, unfortunately, had several unethical therapists over the years which complicated things). And I have been taking medication since my early 20s. When I was almost 50, I had pretty much decided that my life was basically over; that I would just keep getting older until I died. No joy, no purpose. Then I finally got the help that I needed at the right time. I never thought it would happen! I really was recovering and healing.

This freaking pandemic has really pushed me to my limits. My anxiety is often sky high and I am often depressed with no motivation or energy.

This is an exceptionally hard time! It is pushing many people to their limits.

You need help right now. If it were any other illness, or a broken limb or something, your family would help you. Depression and anxiety are no different. Sometimes we need help and it is a sign of strength to ask for and accept help when you need it.

Please hang in there, let yourself be helped, and maybe you can get in touch with the part of you who knows how to be kind and gentle with yourself.

I wish you strength! And know you are not alone! 💚

[Looking_for_help in reply to BrainIsFull]

Thank you