I say this not as a complaint or necessarily for help but rather, as a matter of fact. I live a life of avoidance. When I was a kid in junior high or high school, I avoided everything. I didn't even eat lunch, I wouldn't even know who to sit with. I had two friends but only because they were my age, lived on the same street in my neighborhood and our parents were friends so it's by default only. Only when I look back do I realize the incredible anxiety I had and about nothing, of course. Unimaginable levels. Parents never knew. I was great at hiding things my feelings included. My father would ask, hey son, how are you doing, expecting only a canned answer, the only answer I could give him. "Fine dad," Ha...."fine," how idiotic, ha ha ha, seriously. I could have been holding my decapitated head in my hands from which the word "fine" would have been uttered and my father would have smiled and been on his way.
I've had major clinical depression and anxiety disorder all my life and been medicated on just about everything, going full circle back to one of the oldies, a cocktail of Imipramine & Wellbutrin, heavy on the Imipramine. It's worked. At one time, long ago, i found myself without insurance and unemployed and my depression was as heavy as six feet of earth. It could be 90 degrees and I was so cold I could hardly move. My bones felt like they were being hammered by a thousand little kids, evil kids. Oh the good ole days.
Back to avoiding everything. Now that I'm old, I've gotten it down to a science, perhaps even an art form. What has helped me is being incredibly unremarkable. I'm not putting myself down. Rather, my unremarkable state of being has allowed my to carry on my craft. For instance, through circumstances not under my control, which is a rarity, let's say I had to walk through a room of adult party goers. I could do so and absolutely no one would notice me. Same when I depart. I've walked into movie theaters, not paid, and gone right past the ticket taker. Even in conversations with multiple people, I'l l be making a point, which in reality is really pointless, and the person next to me will just talk right over me. Mind you, these people could be the nicest in the world but somehow I disappear. It's interesting really. It's not good or bad. It just is. It's actually funny in a weird sort of way.
By the way, as far as that photo, no, I'm not the bright green umbrella, I'm not even one of the black umbrellas. I'm out of the picture.
Time to stop rambling on and on and desist pulling the string on my back.
Written by
RCCOLA
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I used to be just like you when i was little . Making friends and adding laughter and humor in my life has changed my personality completely don't be afraid to talk to people talk to people who have similar interests as you . Much peace love kindness and support- Hiba
I loved reading that. Because it was very well-written and i can relate in a way. Have you ever read the Master and The Margarita, by Bulgakov, I think. It is my favorite book. Super depressing but when I read it, I did not feel alone. the author I think is a genius. I feel lonely sometimes.
RCCOLA, when reading your post, I really thought you were under the Green Umbrella.
I was going to respond to the fact that we all feel like the odd man out at times. But to
say you feel invisible is a different story. I can relate to the way you felt in high school.
I was very much the same. Quiet, shy with a couple of quiet and shy friends. Sitting alone
at lunch, not being part of the "in group", no dances, no prom.
However, things did turn around for me which changed my life completely. If I met you now
at an adult gathering, I would be drawn to you because I remember what it was like. I would
introduce myself and then ask all about you. As you talked, I would LISTEN. Listening to someone is not only a learning experience but a courtesy and respect for that person.
You would no longer be invisible. When we would leave in the rain, we wouldn't be under
a solid black or a green umbrella but under a bright yellow & white polka dot umbrella.
Tell me you wouldn't be noticed then.
Finding ourselves and who we are when nobody sees us as a person is an endeavor that we
need to work on. Not for others but for ourselves. It took me time with a lot of practicing my
frame of mind. I was just as important as others. After all we all have something to give society. I'm glad you are a part of our support group. We learn from each other and I'd be
I totally know how you feel. I frequently feel invisible. And when people do give me attention is for me to listen to them or do something for them. I have been better in the past but the isolation of Covid kind of emphasizes the feeling of being invisible. I used to not mind being invisible, but at some point when the new normal is all about being invisible in your house it gets to you. My boss didn't acknowledge my existence for 2 months until it was time to give me a bad review. All I can say is I hope that it will get better for you. Just know that you are not alone. Maybe just talking about it with people that understand where you are coming from will help.
Hb2003, Goodhairday, Agora1 & TVNWSFMH, you guys are quite nice, sensitive and perhaps the best of all, thoughtful. Then again, nice might be the winner as it's all I really hope for in a person. Getting back to you guys, all of you must be very self-aware. I'm not referring to someone sporting a neck goiter the size of an NFL football or Franz, the next door neighbor who happens to be quite normal, until you consider the second set of pearly white teeth embedded in the backside of his head, just peeking through his hair. No, I'm referring to the awareness that probably comes from pain and constant self assessment throughout life that gives you the ability to step outside yourself on occasion and see yourself differently. Many have insight to be sure, but that insight is one dimensional, one way, flat with very little depth. Not you. You're anything but. Thanks a bunch.
By the way, did you know that sometimes, cities and towns use goats to clear hillsides and fields of grass and with the goats usually comes a donkey for protection.
I believe that it was contained in a sizable Danish study on depression where one major conclusion reached was that if you are born into a world where you are exposed to incredible wonders and unbelievable beauty and are then told that your visit to that world is very short at best and may indeed be much shorter and are NOT depressed then you are obviously insane.
That sounds about right to me at 78, an empath with an MB ChB from 1977 who through no fault of his own suffers from emphysema stage 4, IBS-C, PTSD and a plethora of clinically defined anxieties, and who is stuck in the USA after his American wife died 2.5 years after he came to the US from England to marry her. I cannot get back to the England I left (it's gone anyway) because of health and financial reasons and besides, there's nothing but empty seats at the table at which I once supped. All seats now vacant, all life gone.
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xx
I'am in desperately need of someone to talk to, who can relate to what am going through 
I'm supposed to be better than this.
The one song you never want to be able to relate to 
Different is good
Every 'No' feels like an insult or betrayal to me
