Can someone really love you if they abuse you?❤️🤔

Is it possible for someone to love the person they abuse? Do they abuse the ones they are closest to?

Any thoughts welcome.....

💛🧡💜

[Hidden]

NO you don't abuse the ones you love you protect them and cherish them and lift them up. Not hurt them.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

In my own opinion, I believe some abusers do love the one they abuse and are closest to. I’m not saying it is right at all that they abuse and I’m not saying in all cases but I do think in some few cases they do love but have deep rooted issues within themselves and are not in a position to be in a relationship until those issues are sorted.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Never thought about it like that, but I still don't think they love their victims. If you're so messed up that you abuse someone you claim to care for then they can't truly love them to begin.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Are you ok, is someone who claims to love you abusing you?

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Not now, I was though but left the relationship thankfully but I’m just over thinking and analysing everything. Thank you for asking.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

You're welcome glad you're safe now. 🤗

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

🤗

[mydog56 in reply to Hidden]

i got abused by my dad

[mydog56 in reply to mydog56]

his wife too,

[Hidden in reply to mydog56]

I’m so sorry your dad and his wife both abused you. Are you still in contact with them? Are you receiving therapy?

[mydog56 in reply to Hidden]

no and no

[Rafiki11]

I think it depends on the circumstances. Sometimes the abuser is doing the best they can and they truly do love their victim in a sacrificial way. They just don’t know better and can’t do better.

Other abusers are predators. They feel affection for their victims sometimes but it’s not love. Love is empathetic and sacrificial and humble.

[Hidden in reply to Rafiki11]

I do agree it’s circumstantial. I think a lot of it is the way they are brought up, showing what they perceive to be love as that might be all they know.

[mydog56 in reply to Hidden]

yeah i agree too

[mydog56 in reply to Hidden]

my dad says i should say sorry to his wife even though i did nothing wrong i said the truth and i mean it the hole thing is true, he is just lying to me i want his wife to say sorry first

[endofheartache1290]

I think it depends on the person and why they are doing what they are. Some abuse and know they are doing it. They don't love you because they know better and choose to do it anyway. Some abuse without knowing the damage they are doing but they really do care (think addicts and trauma survives). The key point here is that yes abuse doesn't always mean a person is bad it's what they do about it that makes them good or bad. It's how they handle it that shows whether they love or not. A person who abuses and is unaware but becomes aware and does their best to stop is not the same as a person who abuses and knows they are abusing but they keep doing it anyway. Same thing with an addict who steals from you but if they realize what they have done and work to get sober and to stop what they are doing. They are showing they care by working on themselves to be a better person.

It's strange but you can have someone who abuses because of trauma or other reasons and they refuse to get help. They can still love you but the thing is that doesn't change that they are hurting you. Even if they truly do care and sometimes this is the case. Think a military man coming home who hits his wife. If he doesn't confront his trauma and he keeps doing bad things even if he does truly love this person it doesn't matter the abuse will always outweigh any caring a person has. And at some point you prove that you don't care about the other person as much as you do avoiding your own reality. That is not love at that point. And that is why it depends on how a person handles it.

Now let me be clear, the victim is under no obligation to ever stay with an abuser for any reason. Even if the abuser get's better and fixes their life the victim still has all that pain and betrayal still attached and that is okay. A victim never has to go back to or condone the actions against them. That is up to them on how they choose to forgive and move on with their life. It's their right as a victim. So in summation can someone love if they abuse, yes. Their actions will always speak louder than their words and if they keep abusing then they don't love you or at the very least care more about themselves then they do you.

[Hidden in reply to endofheartache1290]

That's a good point you bring up about someone not consciously abusing. But on some level they have to realize what they're doing is not right and it's not how regular ppl treat those they love.

[endofheartache1290 in reply to Hidden]

Maybe but sometimes we just react sometimes we do things that are not always obvious to us are wrong. I fall into this category. The thing is we want to say that anyone who hurts us is just horrible and they knew the whole time and they are bad because it's a way for us to rationalize the situation. It's never that easy or simple for anything. Going even deeper we all have behavior that can be considered offensive or hurtful or abusive to others in someway shape or form. If you use someone as a therapist rather than a friend that isn't the worst thing in the world. But you are still being toxic and abusive. There is very little black and white in the world. Everything is cast in different shades of grey. It's also hard to tell intention from another's perspective but we are not them nor have we be in their positions so how do you know they are or are not telling you the truth? That is why I said actions matter more than words. Take my example of a combat vet who is literally trained to react without being consciously aware, should we punish him if he get's triggered by a car backfiring and for a second losing his cool? Are we really going to say that this man could have done differently if he just believed enough?

[endofheartache1290 in reply to Hidden]

Oh also with people who are suffering they are rarely taking the time to look at situation rationally and considering all their options. Take an addict, even if they know it's wrong are they really processing that it's wrong? That is a very hard question to answer but I believe that sometimes people act without realizing exactly what they are doing. They literally are focusing all their attention on something other than right or wrong. Take people who are depressed or anxious for example. They tend to ruminate to their detriment all the time. It's a thought pattern they cannot stop and this has unintended consequences, such as having severe brain fog or being unusually agitated or angry. The thing is though they can't fix their focus, they can't stop being agitated just because someone points it out to them. They have to work at retraining that thought process through CBT or other forms of therapy.

[Hidden in reply to endofheartache1290]

Unless the addict is stealing, assaulting or in some other way endangering others there is nothing wrong with using drugs. What one does with or puts in their own body is their choice no one else's.

[endofheartache1290 in reply to Hidden]

That is fine. I was referencing abuse, as that was what the post was concerning. So as some examples you put up an addict might steal or get aggressive. Are they fully capable of rationalizing that behavior in that moment? I don't think they are. I think they can realize it later and use that event to continue their drug use to avoid the pain they feel. But I don't think they can in the moment say let me think about all the rational was I can go about this situation. I just don't think it's possible. This is why we have crime of passion laws. We recognize that sometimes people get swept up in an event and couldn't have acted differently. Even if they can argue that rationally they would have never done something bad it wouldn't matter because the point is in the moment they couldn't access rationality and thus acted out of character. This does not mean that you should absolve a person. They should be held responsible for what they did or get help for their issues whatever those may be. I just don't think it's accurate to say that they on some level knew and chose to do it anyway.

[Hidden in reply to endofheartache1290]

Agree to disagree

[EleanorRose]

Reading your replies in this thread, I am sorry to hear you were in this position but so glad you found the strength to leave. How are you coping now?

I'm not sure what I think about this. The main question it raises for me is, 'What is love?'

For me, to love means to feel (and show) a deep sense of care towards someone, to want to protect them, to share in their joy and feel their pain. So for me, no, you can't truly love someone if you're abusing them. I suppose it depends what you think love means, for me, loving someone is about more than just the word and more than just a vague feeling.

[Hidden]

No!