So many ???s on so many levels

[JDinFL]

Well, my draft deleted....., so I'll summarize. I should be here daily, 10X daily, but life, jobs, bills...all the shit that bipolar, anxiety ridden insomniacs hate! So I'll nutshell it.

3 kids, youngest will be 21 in 2 weeks, oldest has 3 kids (yay for the 44 yo gma, but i love em), but still have that one kid that can't quite get straight, looking at time now for bullshit, but I did more than my share of juvenile center visits, so......

Current - My living with bf/fiance that has been a drug addict on and off for 25 years. Also my high school sweetheart before 20 yrs of marriage. He went his way, I mine, long ago, but here we are. Skip to him on a 4 day binge about 7 months ago over the weekend, enough that he couldn't go to work for a few days, lost a job. After that, I'll mention, I'm not a religious person, I don't knock you if you are, I went to church as a kid, grandfather was a preacher. Right now Im somewhere between agnostic and atheist. All I ask of anyone is not to bible thump me. But back to that weekend, 7 mos ago he went out, typical, but something happened to him, he can't even really explain it. He was out of his mind, walked away from the place he was (he says ran) accepted a ride from a stranger and it ended up in a wreck and arrest. His point of view, "something, took the veil off, I could see all my sin and begged God to save me and help me. I thought I was in purgatory when everything was happening and was sure I was dead and on another plane.' He was raised catholic, however hasn't practiced it in years. He constantly prays now, usually in his head, but now louder. I have 5 years of emotional scars, borrowing money for groceries, getting payday loans for rent, never knowing when he walked out if he would make it back. Promised me a hundred times he was done. For him, a light switched, turned him in the complete opposite direction. But almost 8 mos sober, he's now my rock. But We walk in our home everyday, and I listen to his 'cast you out demons', etc.... as a non believer, it gets sometimes overwhelming listening to the out loud prayers.

Present, today.....Alcholic mother, alcohol driven over 20 years, lost her 20+ yr companion 20 mos ago. Brain surgery for hematoma that actually shifted her brain (she borderline couldn't speak), came out like a champ....3 mos later, marchman acted...72 days in rehab, 4 days out... liquor store. Less than 2 mos later found in floor, marchm acted again, hospital, then a different rehab. 28 days, but diagnosed with Wernicke’s encephalopathy. 4 mos later, still drunk everyday as we see her waste away.

Back to me..... alcoholic, I honestly think end stage, mother..... working every day trying to keep right man,..... that constantly prays outloud and sends demons away...... They are both making me crazier than I've been diagnosed.

Simple question???? Where do I find my sanity??? Every day I feel a little more lost and helpless and mad and resentful and sad.

[Dancer4967]

JD, I am not an addict of any type, and I have never lived what you are describing. But I’m 71 years old and have been in counseling on and off most of my life. What I do know is that FIRST you must take care

of yourself, and as you describe your life I don’t feel like you’re doing that. Sadly sometimes love just isn’t enough and you have to let go to save yourself. You are an incredibly strong person to have survived thus far. But is just surviving enough? You deserve a better life, see if you can find it. I would say I would pray for you but I don’t want to backslide 😊so just good luck.

[JDinFL in reply to Dancer4967]

Thank you Dancer4967!!! I did a few years of therapy, 4+ yrs ago. I'm realizing to get myself straight, I need to go ..... oh how I wish you could meet my mother

[Dancer4967 in reply to JDinFL]

I’m glad I was here. I’m in Oklahoma, so say Hi to your Mom for me. I may not know much, but I’ve lived a pretty full life, with it’s own ups and downs. And picked up a fair amount of life lessons And I’m glad to be here anytime. And as you can see I myself don’t sleep much. Please take care yourself.

[JDinFL]

We can always get better when we want. I'm diagnosed depressed, anxiety and insomnia close to 20 years ago. Diagnosed bipolar 2 (the real issue) with ADD 10 years ago with actual psychologist. Best thing I ever learned, a diagnosis I could look at and say 'yep, that's me'. Bipolar 2. No longer get what i did with psych & therapy and med mix, but still, mind fucked as I am, it's fucking hard, but i manage to keep it together most days, Because as a non believer, thank something out there than my man got sober. He is my rock, he has very limited and far stretched immediate family, but my entire dysfunctional bunch, mom, kids, cousins and aunts love and unconditionally accept him.