Trigger warning : I am lost and almost dead. Just breathing.

[Ivy_chan5]

Hello beautiful souls. I have already shared the following things a couple of times. But, after six long months of suffering, I have finally been able to understand 1% of all I have gone through. Please help me gain clarity of all this. I'm someone with high OCD, high anxiety, high depression and bipolar disorder. I have just turned 19 a couple of months ago. However, I don't think I am young..I am old enough to understand things .. yet I did something terribly wrong in September. I just wish to be forgotten by everyone. I attempted suicide 7 times due to this. I am just alive because I don't want my parents and my friend who is like my elder sister to get hurt. I can't even share this with her.. she's my only friend.. but I don't want her to leave me..and I don't have the guts to tell her.. my parents don't know my side of the story much..do I even have 'my' side?

I have gone so numb. I also feel that I'm slowly dying. There is something really wrong with my body. But I don't even want to get myself checked. I want to disappear but it will hurt my parents. Or will it? I don't know if they love me. They do..but other times, they make me feel like I'm the worst person..who doesn't care about her family, studies, career, is a traitor, is spoiled.. they also never let me like the things I do... I can never tell them that I like certain songs, certain dresses.. it's okay..I know that they're just watching out for me.. but the way that they tell me about it is hurting..they tell me that I will just become a bitch and a whore if I wear something or speak up. What if I run away with some boy whom they haven't selected for me? I am like.. I want to earn money.. my dream is to buy a big house for them.. I want to open my own company.. many of my relatives just call me a coward .. if they go through what I go through even for a day.. they'll understand..

I am completely alone in this darkness... I'm still getting straight A's and A pluses .. however at the cost of my own damn health.. I hate myself to the core.. I don't know if I ever can forgive myself for what I have done. I tried hurting (killing) my mom..and my dad once...

My uncle is the real villian of this story.

My uncle who lives off my dad's money and demands it everytime and is an alcoholic...suddenly disappeared for 8 days. We tried searching for him.. we also took help .. I used to cry and pray everyday and night for my parents .. because I didn't want them to get blamed for his disappearance..

so from those days I started caring a bit too much for my parents.. I used to check if they were breathing correctly, if they were "alive".. I used to wipe every drop of water on the floor so that they don't slip and fall and "die".. I still do. My uncle then appeared and told my parents that they should stop poking their noses into his matters.. I mean if a family member doesn't come back home.. shouldn't we check on him? He was busy partying in some resort..

For a few days after this incident, a lot of very serious quarrels started happening in my house. I kept constantly checking my parents if they were safe. And my normal brain died. One day, a weird guilt suddenly appeared in my dream. I felt that when I was 12, my mother who had some gastric issue then was pregnant. She wasn't. I threw tantrums for a day then saying that I didn't want a sibling. Thinking about this past, I doubted whether my parents had aborted the child. However, that wasn't the case. I started checking more frequently. One day, I got angry on my parents for not taking care of themselves and shouted on them. I did the cleaning and sanitizing work which my dad does after he comes home from work, so that atleast they won't get as exposed to the virus as I would have. I was ready if anything would have happened to me. The next day, when my uncle came home drunk, my parents started arguing and yelling at him..eventhough I had told them not to just some minutes ago..because my uncle will never improve..in turn it will affect my parents' health if they shout everyday..they didn't listen..and in a couple of mins my stomach started hurting badly... I called to them for help but they didn't come as they were busy in their fight... this hurt me a lot.. I did some harmless actions to them like touching their hand or massaging their paining back a bit more.. I don't know what I was thinking then.. but my thoughts were what would happen if I do this..but might harm them.. no it won't.. will it.. let's do that anyway..n then regret it..this happened 2-3 times..

Then comes the 3rd day.. the darkest day..

Everything was going well..my mom had scolded me a bit for being lazy and not studying.. and she came upon my messages with my friends.. where I was talking to them about how I was chatting with them during my lectures. I was hurt a lot. I was at fault but not that much. I was just wishing a happy birthday to my friend and my mom read my texts. She scolded a half-asleep me because she thought that I was texting that friend when I was supposed to attend my college lectures. However I had free time that day. She even threatened to scold other dear friend of mine. I was so hurt. Mom has high BP hence she says really hurtful things. That night, I did an action which wasn't harmful at all in reality. But I had an evil intention and even thought that the action could really result in strangling my mother. Still, I did it. I lifted the mosquito net we use with force so that my mom sleeping inside will get hurt. I came to my senses after a minute or two. My mom was fast asleep, I cried the whole night. I cry everyday due to this. I never wanted all this stress to affect my mom. I just couldn't control my anger and grief then. I also know that I wouldn't have strangled her physically with my hands or stabbed her even at that time..I also hadn't thought seriously that I am killing her.. I wanted to hurt her..

- My maternal uncle who is a psychic says that I was possessed by my dad's mother's ghost because she wasn't happy that my alcoholic uncle wasn't getting good treatment. During the day of souls in our culture which was a couple of days before this incident, I hadn't properly paid my respects because a lot of quarrels were happening as my uncle had just returned from where he had gone. I don't know if I should believe that I was possessed.. there have been some proofs but still.. I don't believe much in such stuff..

I think what triggered me especially was that she is against me talking me to boys.. I have no real friends.. even the sister like friend ..I can't share much with her.. I am really lonely.. want to share everything with someone.. I wanted a partner or a soulmate with whom I wanna talk about everything at last.. all my secrets..

And also she threatened to scold my sister like friend.. as she shouldn't have texted me during my lectures..but she didn't call me.. I chose to reply..she wasn't at fault.. I love her a lot..she is my first almost real friend.. she is my real friend..

- She had read my personal diary 2 years ago and told me that I had broken her trust..some things which I couldn't talk to my family were in there (like somethings my family had done which had hurt me)..she used to bring up one thing written in there every now and then..and she has the habit of snooping on everybody.she is paranoid, too..this affected my privacy.. I am always on guard at home..

My phone broke down last year and my dad wouldn't buy me a new phone..me and mom would use the same phone..she used to complain that she doesn't get time to use it because of me..and when my dad suggested that I download her WhatsApp in other phone..she would refuse..and still she would guilt trip me.. why would I not let her use her phone..yes, I needed it, too..but I used to give it to her, too.. n she would refuse at that time.. and when I was doing some work or having a break..my maternal relatives would call.. like 7 - 8 times a day.. they still do..they don't get that I have uni work,too.. they still wanted to talk to me.. I can talk for a time or two..but not 7- 8 times..and then mom used to talk to them that many times..and my work or break time would get interrupted..

My dad also guilt trips me a lot..

My parents have said a lot of hurtful things.. which I can't forget.. like mom once said I was a traitor.. I was planning something against them and was on my uncle's side.. she said once that she will never even look at me because I had done some mistake.. dad said that I should continue ruining my life and fall in a big pit.. because I won't follow the career he wants me to follow and I was disregarding him as my father by doing that..

My parents are the best..yes, they are toxic but we love each other..now all those feelings have been buried somewhere.. and my anxiety has made me super irritable.. I get triggered many times a day.. I will never forgive myself.. what should I do? My mom is the first victim of the dark family of my dad, him and my uncle. Hence, it affected her mentally. I am ashamed that I reacted but her words hurt me. I am the second victim. What should I do?

Our mosquito net looks like this .

[Pugglesworth]

So...

A lot to unpack here. Unfortunately I'm not a counselor and I would highly suggest you seek one out as they are better equipped to handle the history you've written. Also, if you're thinking of suicide please get to a hospital or call the national helpline immediately. I know the pain that causes these thoughts to arise and, from experience, I can tell you the pain will pass. It ALWAYS does. All things change. It is the only constant in the universe.

One thing that does stand out to me is the amount of characters (people) in your story. When we rely on others for our happiness and support we will be disappointed as they can never live up to our standards. We are responsible for our own happiness and well-being. It doesn't mean we can't be hurt by others, afraid of others or look to others for help. What it does mean is how we react to what others do or don't do is ultimately our responsibility.

Another thing that stands out is you are very young and have a whole world ahead of you. It may not seem like it now, but the events that have happened will be a distant memory. And memories are just that. They can't harm us unless we allow them to control our lives. Again, we control this: not others. EVERYONE makes mistakes when they are young. It's a requirement. I can assure you no matter what you've done, it will also be a distant memory. And many have done more stupid things than you: I may be one of them and I'm in my 50's. If we don't make mistakes, we can't learn. We learn by doing.

You're not alone in this darkness. Everyone has dark places and they get harder to face the older we get. Trust me on that one. Your darkness could be a pale gray when compared with mine.

It's all a matter of perspective.

[Ivy_chan5 in reply to Pugglesworth]

Thank you so much for replying. I have learnt a lot from your advice. I have seen a counselor before but I stopped going to her due to health problems. I'll try to approach her again. I'll keep trying my best. Thank you again. Thanks for giving me your precious time.😊