Crippling Loneliness

[Halak41]

Hey guys.

As some of you know, I've gone through a pretty bad emotionally traumatizing breakup late last year. I've started medication. Gone to a few therapy sessions. Got closure with a previous ex (from 2018/19). Things are stable with my current ex. We still text pretty regularly. He knows a lot of what I've been going through. I've managed to rekindle a friendship I lost with a boy I was deeply attached to. We were friends for 10+ years, he came out, and we drifted apart. Things between us aren't the same, but we've hung out a couple times.

I'm a woman - I lack woman/female friends. I struggle forming connections with them for some reason. I have a sister, but she has her life, and she's not really emotionally available enough to bond on a deeper level with me. It's always things she wants to do, she never wants to do anything I do.

I'm also on Bumble and Tinder. So, some days I talk to 30+ guys. Other days it drops down to maybe 5. I've hung out with a few. I don't feel anything romantic. Most of them that I do go on a one-off date with, there's not enough in common to even pursue a second outing.

I went out to a bar with my sister and her friend last night. We were surrounded by tons of people. I still felt loneliness. I texted my ex instead and sat outside by the fire.

I'm 23 years old, I've never truly had a solid, consistent group of friends or a relationship that lasted over 5/6 months. I legitimately require a deeper bond to pursue a friendship/relationship with anyone. Heck, if there's not even enough on the base level conversation, there's no point. I'm an extremely perceptive person, so I can usually tell the first day or two of me talking to someone if it will work out long term.

This has resulted in a crippling, debilitating loneliness. I was trying to figure out what was causing me to feel this way. Obviously, other factors tie in such as the breakup, anxiety, depression, emotional wiring, etc... but they all kinda just snowball and become intertwined and muddied.

So, some symptoms I've been having due to this is an overall drained feeling emotionally, mentally and physically. It actually has gotten to where I could/can not properly function as a human being. I ran a red light last week, didn't even realize it until 30 seconds later. I almost got t-boned because I pulled out at a light. I've had migraines consistently for the last month. I've taken 2 weeks off of work, and I go back next Sunday. I took 2 weeks in November. 2 weeks in January. I just can't do anything, anymore, it seems.

I sleep ALL the time. I go to bed around 8:30/9pm. wake up around 8am-ish. I take a nap around 2pm. Rinse and repeat. I'm still tired. I was out until 3 am with a friend last week, I was still tired. I was out Friday and Saturday night at the bar, I'm still tired. Nothing changes how I feel. I wake up and reality sets in, and I am lonely.

Even when I take naps, and I wake up and reality sets in, I end up feeling even more like a POS than I did prior to dozing off.

I know people are gonna say things like, "You have to make YOU happy" etc., and yeah, looking from outside in, I've changed so much over the last 6 months. It's great... but I've had to live life alone, and do everything alone. It is tiring. I am tired of it. I want someone to rely on, someone to open up to and receive comfort from.

I went out to the store earlier, and while I was driving, I just couldn't stop thinking about these feelings, and if they'd ever truly go away. I don't think I can take it anymore.

[Hidden]

Hi there! Life is so unfair sometimes. If someone were to give you comfort, what would you want to hear them say? That it’s not your fault? That you don’t deserve to feel this rotten all the time? That they’d do anything to take your pain away? That at the very least they can take care of the laundry and the dishes while you rest? There are no wrong answers here. I’m hoping you’ll give this some thought. It almost sounds like you’re grieving a loss of something you wish you had.

It’s like you’re trying to carry on as usual but it’s not as usual, is it? You might grieve that wish as vividly and strongly as if you were 60 years old and your lifelong spouse died. That’s not wrong. It just is. It has all the same characteristics. So what would an old widow do? Drive through some red lights? Sleep a lot. Not find a lot in common with anyone? Try to date but it all falls flat?

Makes sense to me. I think you’re still grieving something. Sometimes it’s hard to process that grief until you figure out that’s what it is. And then grieve it like it deserves. Maybe do a funeral for the wish, the unfair circumstance. Have a ceremony. Add a eulogy. Music... definitely some crying... maybe write down what you missed on a paper and float it down a river. And then just be sad as long as you need to be.

Or do none of that and tell me I’m so off-base. Haha! I won’t mind.

Hugs to you!

🦋

[TangledUpIn]

Where do you live? I live in San Diego. I find it hard to find new friends and there are so many cool things to do here so that is sad😔

[Halak41 in reply to TangledUpIn]

I'm in New York, but in the yeehaw part, where there's really only so many little dinky bars and hiking trails to do. I miss boating, honestly... may have to just cough up the money and buy my own. But I totally understand what you mean. A lot of things to do and nobody to do them with

[FearIsALiar]

I know how you feel! I don’t have a friend group and I always get so jealous seeing people who have close friend groups. It’s hard for me to make friends! I’m not sure if you’re aware but on Bumble they have a BFF option where you can find friends!

You’re not alone. Message me if you’d like 👍🏼

[Halak41 in reply to FearIsALiar]

Yes! I tried the BFF feature on Bumble but man... sometimes talking to women as a friend is like talking to guys... moldy cardboard. Can't carry a convo for anything!

[FearIsALiar in reply to Halak41]

Yeah it never worked for me! I hate small talk!!!

[marsdream]

Hi sounds like you have been through a lot. Have you talked to your therapist about your loneliness? If you are sleeping a lot and still waking up with the feelings of loneliness then talk to a mental health professional about what's going on. Also, maybe take some time to visit your sister, and just ask her for time in her schedule so that you can connect with her. You can do it.

[SirGrits]

Hey Halak41, hang in there. If your therapist isn't helping enough or giving you good coping strategies consider finding a new one. As to friend groups, as an adult male I've had the best success in that arena from my church. I encourage you to do a little research on churches around you. Churches have small groups now typically vs Sunday schools, but regardless of the name it gives--these are the places where you can meet people of like mind and build relationships. Even if religion or faith isn't your bag, I encourage you to seek out a church and let things ride. If you stick with it just a little, a good church will have people seek you out that could turn into something you really count on.God speed.