I've been depressed and sad before but never like this. Not long ago I was doing ok, not great, but a good base point to start everyday off with a nice, fresh smile. Sure, I would have depressive episodes that were severe but short lasting (few hours to days max). It wasn't ideal, but I could still be myself and be ok with my surroundings. I had broken up with my girlfriend of many years and I was ok, albeit riddled with anxiety, I made good use of my emotions and believed in this world.
Then it happened...
In November of 2019 I was riding a bike home from my locale music venue and one second I was pedaling, enjoying the night air, next second I was being pulled out of the road. Got caught in a hit in run, dont remember anything past being helped up, I apparently just walked home and went to bed. The next morning I (luckily) awoke, confused and not recognizing my apartment for a few minutes so I went to the ER as soon as I realized I was hit. Turns out I got a major concussion and brain bleed, sucked, but after a few weeks later I was feeling ok so I just left it, no more doctors, I was fine...
Turns out, I wasn't...
When I hit the ground, apparently whatever was keeping my thoughts in check just vanished. Through the last year I have become a completely different person. I can no longer hold a meaningful conversation. I am unable to be serious about anything, at all. Whenever I am in an uncomfortable situation, I start cracking jokes that only I understand. My friendships are suffering due to this and my inability to show empathy for anyone besides me, not that I don't care, it just seems like that wire is disconnected. All of this has contributed to the worst feeling of my life and it doesn't go away even with major improvements in my life. I'm constantly sad or angry for either stupid stuff or just trying to find one person or thing to blame it on. Because of that I've kept away from most people in my life due to being afraid in going to say something stupid and mean or I'm going to make up something in my head to be upset with them about, which is not something to do to a friend.
I'm scared of what happens if it gets worse. I already have a hard time finding the desire the stay in this world and constantly imagine myself in a much different time/space/situation. I dont know how to process these thoughts. Sometimes I dont know if it's me wanting to die, or just really wishing the world in my mind would come to reality. Either way, it's not normal and I need help...
I can't keep fighting on my own but I dont know where to go for help, I am to embarrassed to ask, I have a very hard time opening up. For the longest time I have just been thinking this is just another funk with COVID added in, but recently I started to realize that this is deeper than that and there is a lot more to it than I've ever felt before. It's scary, but I haven't giving up hope, just gotta learn how and who to ask for help...