Wow, I didn't know I felt that way, now what?

[JephJeph]

I've been depressed and sad before but never like this. Not long ago I was doing ok, not great, but a good base point to start everyday off with a nice, fresh smile. Sure, I would have depressive episodes that were severe but short lasting (few hours to days max). It wasn't ideal, but I could still be myself and be ok with my surroundings. I had broken up with my girlfriend of many years and I was ok, albeit riddled with anxiety, I made good use of my emotions and believed in this world.

Then it happened...

In November of 2019 I was riding a bike home from my locale music venue and one second I was pedaling, enjoying the night air, next second I was being pulled out of the road. Got caught in a hit in run, dont remember anything past being helped up, I apparently just walked home and went to bed. The next morning I (luckily) awoke, confused and not recognizing my apartment for a few minutes so I went to the ER as soon as I realized I was hit. Turns out I got a major concussion and brain bleed, sucked, but after a few weeks later I was feeling ok so I just left it, no more doctors, I was fine...

Turns out, I wasn't...

When I hit the ground, apparently whatever was keeping my thoughts in check just vanished. Through the last year I have become a completely different person. I can no longer hold a meaningful conversation. I am unable to be serious about anything, at all. Whenever I am in an uncomfortable situation, I start cracking jokes that only I understand. My friendships are suffering due to this and my inability to show empathy for anyone besides me, not that I don't care, it just seems like that wire is disconnected. All of this has contributed to the worst feeling of my life and it doesn't go away even with major improvements in my life. I'm constantly sad or angry for either stupid stuff or just trying to find one person or thing to blame it on. Because of that I've kept away from most people in my life due to being afraid in going to say something stupid and mean or I'm going to make up something in my head to be upset with them about, which is not something to do to a friend.

I'm scared of what happens if it gets worse. I already have a hard time finding the desire the stay in this world and constantly imagine myself in a much different time/space/situation. I dont know how to process these thoughts. Sometimes I dont know if it's me wanting to die, or just really wishing the world in my mind would come to reality. Either way, it's not normal and I need help...

I can't keep fighting on my own but I dont know where to go for help, I am to embarrassed to ask, I have a very hard time opening up. For the longest time I have just been thinking this is just another funk with COVID added in, but recently I started to realize that this is deeper than that and there is a lot more to it than I've ever felt before. It's scary, but I haven't giving up hope, just gotta learn how and who to ask for help...

[BlatherRinseRepeat]

Oh how terrifyingly awful! I’m so glad you shared it here. You may have a lesion on your brain? Please please don’t be embarrassed to go to a doctor about this, I think it’s definitely something that can be addressed. You shouldn’t have to suffer like this. I am so sorry that happened to you! There may be psychologists who do sliding scale pricing in your area (psychologytoday.com) and if not, most would be more than willing to refer you to places to get diagnosed if you don’t have insurance or the means to see a professional regularly. Just know that who you were before that accident is still inside you, and we’re all here to listen without judgement. Captain Awesome also has a huge list of resources to share. Captainawesome.comMany hugs to you!

[Hidden]

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. I have some similar emotional reactions that I go through with people, sometimes I feel like I can't stop what wants to fly out of my mouth, and then those are words I can't take back and then I end up trying to apologize for what I said and I really feel like an idiot. You expressed your thoughts and emotions really well here, at least you have some sense of you know what you're doing rather than being unaware of it. Maybe trying to see a therapist for awhile would be helpful for you. I really wish you the best.

[Hidden]

Hi and welcome Jeph. I agree with the supporters that you should see a therapist. You are in deed of professional support, in that way yu will not be guessing but you will be dealing with facts. What is happening to you is sad. Nothing is painful as thinking you are dom, this is not true. I do think ur brain was affected by the concussion and I know therapists will take you thru the right process and after you will move forward with your life. Whether you change your life, atleast you will do things from the facts point of view. Welcome again

[Sankissjuice]

It is not uncommon to have personality changes after a concussion. You need to see a specialist, one who specialises in concussion and brain injuries.

[A-American-Woman]

I understand abou+t this Covid thing & learning there's more to it that's scary. Terrible to deal with when you're (we're) already struggling with LIFE! I don't have an answer for you, I'm sorry to say...but I just wanted to reach out & say I understand. I have CPTSD along w/depression & much more, & hate ANYTHING on my face, so these masks are about to make me crazy! I can barely make myself leave my home, & only do as I'm the only living "child" of 2 elderly parents who BOTH have different dementias & my husband's older than I am & he has heart problems & is a higher risk, so despite my many disabilities I run errands for my parents & him & myself, yet I can barely leave our house by 3 p.m. every other day & only feel "good " about one day every 2 wks & those days I can get ready & leave the house around 1 p.m. Do you have trouble eating due to your depression, etc.? I do. I'm hear to listen if you need an understanding ear. Hang in there! 1 day at a time. Sometimes 1 minute at a time. Sometimes I just have to stop my day & say "forget it! I give up today! Nothing's working!" I lay down & listen to an audio book to take my mind off LIFE in general. That helps & the next day usually is a bit more manageable. Maybe you can try this? Hope it helps you as it does me! My warmest blessings to you.

[gabrielle00]

Hey! Thank you for sharing and im so sorry youre going through this. i know it can be really tough not acting how you usually do. i think getting professional help from a doctor to talk more deeply about your brain injury would be helpful and hopefully give some explanation to the change in personality.