things im thinking about

[gabrielle00]

hey guys, how are you all? it’s been a hard couple of days for me. i feel like im up one day and then down the next—it’s very tiring. in fact, i’m too tired to explain all that im feeling right now, but i wanted to post to see if anyone could relate to any of these emotions. lately, ive been thinking about:

- how i feel so far from who i was before my depression. like how did i act around my friends? what did i think about the world? what were my fears?

- one of my friends suggested that maybe my depression is meant to force me to let go of my attachments. such as my attachment to outside labels, my ego, my body, etc. has anyone had a similar thought?

- im thinking about how i am quick to judge myself and also quick to judge others. im quite critical of other people, but i never orally express it. i don’t like that about myself. i want to be more loving to everyone i meet, but also honestly communicate with people when i feel like they’re doing something annoying or fake.

- it’s hard for me to talk to other people during my depression. i have a lot of social anxiety and don’t really know what to say to people, even my friends who i have been close with for a couple of years. im just not sure. i feel like im so boring and not fun to be around. i literally force everything when im talking to people—laughter, questions, sentences. it just all seems fake. it seems like something i would say, but I feel so disconnected

- i have no idea who i am lol

[Hidden]

Sorry u are going thru emotions. They can take a toll on anyone. Don't be too hard on urself. There are things I dont love about myself as well and I am happy I discovered them and now am doing certain things about it. U have mentioned that u are critical and judgements, u can now do something about it. For me, i am trying to be tolerant of people and be less sensitive towards their feeling. I hate hurting people but want to tell them the truth which by nature hurts. So, u will be fine, we have ur back here

[Hidden]

You are definitely not alone. I have been going up and down the past couple of years and you are right it is exhausting.

To me I don't really ask what I was like before depression, I honestly can't remember a time when I wasn't depressed. I ask how I let myself get to the point where I'm at. I keep going over everything in my head like I can somehow change it. It's a constant struggle to stay in the moment.

I think that your friend is half right. I wouldn't say depression is meant for us to let go of our attachments so much as it's meant for us to recognize the baggage we are carrying. It's to let s know that the things we think about ourselves or the hurt we have endured is not good because it leaves us so miserable, like we are stuck in a pit. I think it's a warning we often get to comfortable in because there is comfort in the pain. It's familiar it's "normal". Change, doing things that make our lives better for ourselves, that's scary and thus it's hard.

We all judge. Anyone who says they don't is a liar. The point is to not let those judgments override our rationality and our experiences. But those snap perceptions let's call them aren't always a bad thing. I mean the dirty secret of the world is we all have preferences for people, food, music, everything. So it's only natural that we would judge. But again, the key is to make sure you actually try to experience first before you write people off.

I feel the same at times. It's hard to communicate in general, body language and all that sucks. I think things feel fake or forced because the truly are. You said it yourself you feel like your boring and then you try to not be boring but because you already think you are boring it comes across as insincere. So to avoid this, just be genuine. If you don't feel like talking don't talk. If you have an interesting point say it. Just make sure you stick to who you are.

Also, I have no idea what I am doing either. I went to university got 2 degrees and I still have no idea what I want or what to do. It's not easy but keep pushing yourself in small ways every day and you will eventually find yourself.

[gabrielle00 in reply to Hidden]

thank you so much for your response. it gave me a lot of comfort

[Burntout56]

Hiya - you are not alone. I hope that gives you comfort.

I don’t recognise myself and whilst I want to get back to the old me... I appreciate that I have behaviours that could do with improving.... so I hope to be a “new” me once I am in a better place with my physical, mental and emotional self.

Self-compassion ❤️