Did I overreact?

[Venus1234]

I live by myself in a different continent. Brought some tea from my home country and usually make this tea when I need to feel better. A friend of mine came over and took some of this tea without asking. I mentioned that he should have asked me first, and he gets upset at me for making a big deal out of a lil tea. Instead of acknowledging the boundaries I have in my home, he condemns me for saying something instead off letting it go. Eventually he just throws away the tea and left my house, which made me even angrier because I just mentioned to him that the tea was precious to me because it is the few things I have that reminds me of home and I really need it. I felt like he was rude and disrespectful to throw away something I just told him was precious to me. I have told him about my anxiety and boundaries, but even then he invalidated my feelings, which does not make me feel good. I have also several times mentioned to him how his constant denial to things that I say is making me angry because I am going through a lot right now. Yet, he did not bother to take one step back the next time. He is undergoing seasonal depression. So I tried to be more considerate, but it is a struggle for me too. I know it is just tea, but I did tell him that it was more than that and he refuses to acknowledge it still. Did I overreact?

[Catsamaze ADAA Volunteer]

Hi Venus. You did not overreact. You calmly explained why the tea was precious to you and how his actions made you feel. You showed compassion by understanding that he’s going through seasonal depression (which doesn’t absolve him of his actions though it may help to explain them). I really don’t see how you could have handled it better. How has this affected your friendship? How did you and he leave it?

[Venus1234 in reply to Catsamaze]

Hello Catsamaze, thank you for your reply. He got really angry, threw the tea and just stormed off claiming that he cannot accept my reaction for something so small. I told him that it is not about the tea he took, but again it is him denying what I wanted to do with my own things. In the end, as he was packing up, my anger took control of me when I learned that he simply threw away something I just told him was precious to me and I called him a name. He refrained and angrily said that he has helped me so much and I am unreasonable for saying something for 2tsp of tea and left. However, after 15mins, I felt bad because I know he is going through a lot too, so I texted him to say sorry for calling him a name and that I know we are both going through a lot, so we should avoid each other because I am getting easily triggered by his constant negative dismissal to anything I say. He replied saying that my reaction was unacceptable and it is best for me to stay away if I am triggered when his reactions are not what exactly I expect him to react like. I then replied to say that I am sorry things are this way but I am not wrong for setting boundaries, especially in my own home, I told him it is not about the tea but how he refuses to acknowledge what I am saying without dismissingly arguing against it first. I mentioned that I have told him this several times, but I guess because he dismissed what I was saying then too, he just continued as he did today, and so I will set boundaries for my own sake.

I have anger issues and I am confrontational when I feel violated. I guess because most people avoid confrontations, I have always been labelled as "difficult" because I do not shy away from sharing my thoughts where necessary. I feel like it is easy to misinterpret my intentions because I also lack patience and always say something back when I disagree, and I guess this is why I am currently second-guessing myself. And I wonder if I should not have said anything at all, like what others would do.

[Catsamaze ADAA Volunteer in reply to Venus1234]

Venus, real and devoted friendships ultimately survive these things. If you and he have such a bond it will be healed if you both want it to be. It may take time but it will happen. Beyond that, your self-awareness about your anger issues and other things you want to work on is really admirable. It will allow you to do the necessary emotional work to deal with them in a positive way (if possible with a good therapist). Please don’t beat yourself up. Take it from someone who has been working on developing self-compassion for a very long time....

[goldieoldie]

Definitely not ,if anything he was rude and disrectful of your wishes,I hope he apologises,and was this on Christmas day--friends are supposed to support one another and Im sure you wouldnt have done that to him if the shoe had been on the other foot-

[Venus1234 in reply to goldieoldie]

Yes, I knew he was alone of Xmas day, so I invited him over to watch a movie so he doesn't feel lonely. He did not apologise but I did because I did not want to argue for a big misunderstanding. He replied saying that I am unreasonable for treating him that way over something so trivial.

[goldieoldie in reply to Venus1234]

he obviously has no empathy/understanding ,I know a lot of people like that---your too nice!