First post/ panic attack sorta

[Tony042]

So this is my first post and I’ve been hesitant cause I figure me just reading might help a little. I’m 17 and been dealing with anxiety my whole life without really realizing. I grew up feeling like something was wrong with me but I never knew what.

Flash forward to a f*cked up senior year where I’ve pretty much been stuck at home all day, almost every day. It makes it worse seeing everyone around me going back to a somewhat normal life while I’m held back by paranoid parents. Point is after spending so long alone with my thoughts and after learning more about my family med. history I’ve realized most of my problems over the years can be attributed to the constant feeling of worry and never being able to be at peace. (Really sever anxiety)It’s all day every day and the fact that I never realized it makes it worse.

Since I didn’t know before I started using drugs and alcohol to deal with it and make life better. Obviously it starts out harmless but now it’s been about 4 years of use which turned to abuse pretty quickly.

Another problem with the anxiety is that I’ve never been diagnosed or seen a doctor for anything because my parents never acknowledged it was a problem even though my dad dealt with the same thing his whole life (as I recently found out) and knew what I’ve been going through. But he’s never made any attempt to acknowledge or help so... and my mom no matter what I say blames it in laziness, no trying hard enough etc. which over the last 12 years (of school) has given me another constant feeling of never being good enough. Despite having straight A’s most my life and now working my ass off at the gym every day it’s never enough and I want so badly to give up.

I made this post because I had some sort of panic attack I think at night yesterday. I thought I was a heart attack at first because I drank 2 bangs during the day which I never drink and apparently 2 is a lot. I also smoked throughout most of the day cause my anxiety was especially bad but at least I was productive. My heart felt like exploding and I thought I was going to die in my bed so I just kept breathing to stay calm but it only helped so much. Biggest issue is the peak lasted like 4 hours and the next day my chest was tight and my heart felt weak all day if that makes sense. I’ve never had anything like this before and a lot more went on that night than I care to explain but life goes on.

I don’t know what to do and everything feels more off than usual now so if anyone actually reads all this shit thank you but more than anything I just needed to type it all out and get it off my chest.

I love this community just for the peace of mind that I’m not completely alone

[Agora1]

Hi Tony, I did read each and every word you wrote. It's true that you are never alone.

We all understand the emotional pain of anxiety. I personally understand the feeling

of never being enough for our parents. Parents do their best in raising their children according to what they experienced in their lifetime. Their not caring can have an impact as well as caring too much. In order to grow, we need to experience life. To be guided is one thing, to feel emotionally unattached to family is another that has consequences.

You will soon be 18 and need to start making good choices for yourself. I don't know what

"bangs" are but it sounds like it stimulated your body's nervous system to the extreme.

A lesson well learned. Handling emotional issues with drugs and alcohol as you are finding

is not the way to go. There are safer, more productive ways in getting the results you want

and need.

Your first step forward was coming on the forum. Listening to other's journey at your age

while dealing with school and the Pandemic will help immensely. I'm happy to Welcome

you to a safe and caring site. Make today the first day in going forward and getting back

to a life you so deserve. xx

[Tony042 in reply to Agora1]

Thank you for the welcome and I will use this site to try getting better. And as far as the abuse problems, weed which is what I use most helped in unimaginable ways when I started but using street carts make it more unpredictable and I’m really trying to stop. I at least stopped vaping and smoke less now. Again thanks for the support.

[langedechu]

hey tony, you've had such a long journey to be here. i do believe that you either experienced a panic attack last night which is super tough. another cause could also be the caffeine you drank (yeah, bangs are good, but you know). some methods you could use to help prevent a panic attack from occurring include breathing exercises before bed or guided meditation. you sound like you are a hard worker so why don't you put some effort in to try and take care of yourself more? I have a friend who's your age and has the same name, which is kind of irrelevant, but it was intriguing to me and compelled me to respond. you are not alone. please never be hesitant to make a post, either i or another member of this wonderful community will be glad to help. if you ever receive no responses or don't feel that the responses have fixed anything, please dm me and we can work through it. or just if you need a friend, I'm pretty active here and we can chat (I'm around your age if that makes a difference, just know I'm not like some old lady lol).

-hugs 🖤

[Tony042 in reply to langedechu]

Thank you and I appreciate this more than you can know. I kind of have a problem with helping others too much to compensate for not being able to help myself but I might take you up in your offer and I’ll try working on myself more.Thanks

[langedechu in reply to Tony042]

yeah we definitely suffer from the same shit. i'll be here if you need me, stay safe x

[X01WOOG]

Yes, we do read posts! I has been a long, long time since I was a senior in high school. However, I do remember being so unhappy at home. I just couldn't wait to get out of there. My mom was depressed herself. My dad worked and was an alcoholic. We never knew when he walked in the door what kind of mood he was in--nice or mean! He wasn't nice to my mother when he was drinking, that's for sure. Anyway, back to me. I lived in the country where I had to ride a school bus from the seventh grade through high. I couldn't join anything (not that I was asked) that made me stay late. My mom didn't want to drive to pick me up. Once she was driving the wrong way on a one-way street. They had just changed it to that so it really wasn't her fault. So, I went through school not belonging to any organization. I didn't even know about most of them--never knew they existed until I saw the yearbook. WOW! I really missed a lot. I had one friend in school--she and I remained friends until she died a great grandmother. I was depressed. Married a violent man a month after I graduated from high school. That is not the way out! I stayed with him 81/2 years and sued him for divorce eight times. He was always mean to me. Then apologized and cried and said he'd never do it again. He broke my ear drum and caused hearing loss which I have had my whole life. When you can't hear, you have no idea what you have missed. I didn't do drugs ever. I had a daughter who did it all and died of chemical dependency--she had three beautiful children who were taken away because of her substance abuse. Her daughter has become a social worker. Her boys are a different story. So, I am through writing a book.