Just need to offload I suppose. Sorry for another rant. Its starting to turn into the norm for me and I'm sorry.
I have worked for my employer (a massive gov related org) for 15 years, I work hard and don't take the mick. I had a few weeks off in Sept and Oct as my anxiety was really bad and it would of been physically impossible to go to work. I've been back to work since start of Nov and have been managing fine it's been a welcome distraction and I thought all was okay.
My manager called me today to tell me that the department was concerned about my recent absence and any further absences will go down as a formal warning which could end up going down the dismissal route. This was like a massive shock to me as my manager has never raised any concerns like this or mentioned it in my return to work meeting so I felt very upset. I ended up in tears which is embarrassing pathetic and unprofessional. My manager knows I suffer from extreme health anxiety and panic disorder and claims to suffer anxiety herself but is always so hard on me about it. She told me that if I was going to help myself with counselling and medication what did I expect work to do for me and I don't expect anything at all I never have but I just thought she would understand that I get easily upset and now I'm worried I am going to get sacked. I feel as though I am being penalised as I am not doing what she thinks is best.
She ended the conversation by telling me I was the best performing person on the team last week but think this is me trying to over perform to mask my anxiety and prove I am coping when apparently I am clearly not. I just done my usual job she doesn't understand that the rest of the team are piss takers and hardly do any work yet I do the normal workload and it's still not good enough.
It would be too awkward for me to move to another team or department as I'd feel guilty for upsetting or offending her.
I'm so upset because I feel like I can't do anything right and no matter what I do I'm accused of not coping when my work has never suffered. My past work performance is always over looked and makes me feel undervalued but as long as I get paid it doesn't bother me as I'm so used to it.
I feel like I am now panicking I am going to get sacked or loose my job and won't be able to get another one and support my kids etc.
She had the audacity to send me an email saying as a friend she is worried about me. I didn't reply. She always says I can open up to her and not to keep bottles in but I can't as she is mostly the problem. Well I blame her it's probably all me being too sensitive and pathetic. I understand her point of needing help but I don't want counselling as just because she has done it and it worked for her it doesn't mean it will work for me.
I only admitted to half of the work I done today because I didn't want to be accused of over working. Her problem seems to be that I've been off with anxiety yet came back to work and have slotted back in ok and I think she was expecting my work to suffer and because it hadn't that is another problem.
I can't just simply leave and get a new job it's not that easy and I do like my job. I'm on a team with noone I really know and nothing in common with. She always schedules team meetings and fun days when I don't work (only do 2 days) so I don't really bond with the team.
Thank you for reading x