Can extremely dark thoughts lead to extremely positive change?

[Fuscia8]

Has anyone else been really really needing a substantial change in their life and subsequently having suicidal thoughts? I don't believe that I'm going to go through with it, that is not a concern. But this need for a change from the depression and sickness is to some dark thoughts. I am hoping that this is all part of a giant master plan to propel me to a positive & monumental change in my life and letting go of the past and suffering. Has anyone else experienced this? And again, I am not in imminent danger of harm.

[AnxM]

I have been thinking of the same question. Why my ptsd from 15 years ago has come back to destroy everything. Whether there is meaning to be gained from the suffering.

I have been looking into mindfulness practices and realize that I have been living a life full of stress and have bad habits of thinking.

I believe that now I’m aware of these issues I can transform not just my pain but myself.

I’m glad you’re safe. Just ignore the intrusive suicidal thoughts- I get them too when I’m overwhelmed but I never take them seriously.

I hope you find meaning through the struggle.

Peace.

[Fuscia8 in reply to AnxM]

That is the goal, believing that there has to be meaning in this struggle.

[Hidden]

Yes I think the negative thoughts could be a signal that it's time to start changing things in your life. Maybe it's an incorrect attitude that needs to be changed, or it could be something more concrete.

In my experience the depression, low self esteem, ideation, etc. won't get better until I change the thing that is causing it and face my fears.

[Fuscia8 in reply to Hidden]

And when things aren't so incredibly bleak and exhausting I intend to make whatever changes are needed for my highest good. Just some days zap all of your energy and it is difficult just to make it through Moment by moment. I know that I will eventually rise above all of this, I just don't want the pain and suffering to be in vain or repeat it's ugly patterns. Ultimately freedom is the goal

[Paul_Composer]

Thanks for your post; I found it very helpful.

Suddenly, today, I was able to get out of the bed I have been in for almost a month, and the totally debilitating bipolar depressive episode had lifted as instantly it had begun.

I've not had a protracted episode like this for a very long time, and it is very sobering. Despite the isolation of lockdown (in my case, since March) I had been ticking along well and getting into my new life as a (very mature!) student and composing some new pieces of music. And then, just as though someone had thrown a switch somewhere, all the lights went off. And there I was: unable to get out of the bed; completely & entirely incapacitated by utterly inexplicable depression. And for no reason, other than genetics or brain chemistry, I guess.

Was I suicidal? Not at first, but this illness is both cunning & stealthy; given time it seeps into every fibre of one's being. In your post you use the term "extremely dark thoughts". In the pathology of my experience of bipolar depression, the thoughts get darker and darker; it's a progressive thing.

I think I tried to take an overdose on Sunday night. I can't really remember; all I can recall is that I just wanted the agony of the darkness and the pain of the thoughts to stop. I woke up three days later on Wednesday evening!

There was then a groggy day in bed on the Thursday; I'm guessing that was the remains of the antipsychotics I must have taken. And then, this morning, Friday, it was like someone somewhere had switched the lights back on, and the "black dog" of depression seems to have gone for a very long walk! Let's hope the foul beast gets lost on its walk and never finds its way back again.

And now I feel like the old me again; not "elated", to use bipolar parlance, but well, balanced, calm & free of those "extremely dark thoughts". Happy, actually!❤️ What's even better is that my head is full of music again; I'd better get my composing pencil out and get it written down.🎵

So, yes, often good, brighter things can come out of periods of extreme darkness. Take care, one & all. Paul 🌟

[Fuscia8 in reply to Paul_Composer]

Paul, you are very inspiring and I hope that you incorporate the beauty and peace that you are feeling right now into your music. Thank you for your reply and reminding us that the darkness does (eventually?!) pass. Hopefully there is meaning in the struggle and truly brighter days are ahead for all of us.

[Paul_Composer in reply to Fuscia8]

Thanks so much. Yes, onward & upward, as they say! Take care, Paul

[Marysblue in reply to Paul_Composer]

Well said. So glad youre better.

[Marysblue]

Problems and struggles help us to grow and build character, so they say. Definitely gives you more empathy.

[Reading_Rando]

You have the courage to acknowledge your thoughts and directly address a kind of darkness within the human spirit that most people outside of this particular platform do everything in their power to militantly ignore. I think that is very positive.

[littlenam]

Just keep believing it all means something, and it will. I promise. Someday an opportunity will come along, and you’ll take it, and everything will change.

[Fuscia8 in reply to littlenam]

Just what I needed to hear, thank you.