What is wrong with me that I feel I dont deserve to show myself any self respect?! I feel guilty/wrong for doing it. I think I need help 😕

I find it really hard to express myself and have no internet to have a conversation. Im just really sad 😞. Most days I am not bothered if I live or die. What is wrong with me that I feel I dont deserve to show myself any self respect? In fact I feel guilty for looking after myself in any way at all! I feel selfish and like Im not doing what Im supposed to if I look after myself. Im seeing a therapist for the first time in a good while tomorrow all because Im stuck and struggling lots. Im very poorly. I dont wash or eat properly. Im told Im a good looking guy but I feel so ugly. I feel I dont deserve to feel anything else. I feel like looking to do good things for myself is 'bad' and these thoughts and feelings paralyse me deeply. I think it comes from years of being mistreated, abandoned and defined as something Im not by people. Years of only being there to fulfil others needs, and not my own. Even as a deeply horrendously lonely child I always felt used by my own parents who offloaded their pain, and emotional issues on me - my dad at home through violence and using me as an emotional crutch and someone to belittle into silence and my mum who abandoned me and only saw me so little I forgot what she looked like regularly. She played happy families at those times preferring to control me and keep me silent so as not to disturb her selfish desire to ignore the truth she was a bad mother. She preferred to disillusion herself and those around her with this idea she was doing great and any tears or desires for affection from little me on any occasion just wouldnt do and would not be tolerated. I had to be silent or pretend everything was ok on those rare occasions I saw her. I had no choice. There was never any time for 'me' - my needs were something for others to ignore. And something for me to ignore. I guess I got used to not deserving good things and not being really conscious of who I am. Then, when my uncle became sexual with me for along time this just deepened all the shame I felt. It solidified the shame I felt, the sheer and utter pain that I didnt deserve anyone and never did do. More SILENCE. More deep words I wanted to say that I never had the power to say. I felt so worthless and ugly EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY and noone ever knew. (Please dont ever think kids dont feel pain because they really can and do. It was horrendously painful as a child for me. And many kids know how to hide it because thats all they know).

I always felt defined as a bad person so now it feels deeply uncomfortable to treat myself good as it implies Im a good person, which I dont feel I am. I feel like a lie if I treat myself good. I dont know how to feel comfortable treating myself with respect 😕. It just doesnt feel right. I feel 'wrong'. It feels 'truthful' to neglect myself. I cant see any future for myself living like this.

Its almost like I know I wasnt worth the time to be treated right and I feel that inside myself now.

Also in recent years something horrible happened..A mistake I made that doesnt reflect me..all for a moment in time where I made the wrong decison for a split second because I was confused and damaged and hurt and my mind wasnt working properly...I doubted myself. I was vulnerable. I made a decision where I didnt know who I was and felt alone..a decision that in the grand scheme of human mistakes is minor...a decision that only revealed that humans can be vulnerable. I would never hurt anyone, but I feared the possibility I could. I needed reassurance and I looked in the wrong place for it. That was my mistake. The people who could have helped me hurt me more when I didnt think it was possible. They made me out to be a monster, someone who harms people and wants to harm people and has harmed people. Ive never done any of those things and never would. I was hurt and confused and I was honest and for that I was made out to be something Im not and this for a guy who had no self esteem to begin with deeply affected me. 😔

Now, I go through life feeling worthless to myself and others, reminded of all the shame and pain of childhood and believing I deserve to feel that way. The only good thing going for me is that I work. I work, despite every morning not wanting to be conscious, all because I want to be greatful for the work my friend offered me. I do it because its 'the right thing' to do. It right to reciprocate respect by accepting what hes given me, even though I dont want anything for myself because I feel I dont deserve it. He keeps going on about wanting to help me set up for my future and see me able to provide for a family. He doesnt know I go home to my untidy unclean house and regularly dont even wash or brush my teeth and I sleep all the time until I have to get up to work again with him. And then its a big rush to get myself together because I leave it to the last minutes to do as I cant bare being conscious. Theres absolutely no way I would provide for a family or start one. Its just unfair! I am in no position to look after myself, never mind anyone else. And until I learn to have some self respect I cant stand up for the needs of others. I would not burden anyone with myself. Im so messed up! Im just not comfortable with myself and I honestly dont care so much really. This feels normal to me. Self care feels alien, abnormal, UNDESERVED! I feel I dont deserve to wake up, to look after myself, to connect with anyone, to LIVE!! Even expressing myself and maintaining connections can feel so unusual as Im so used to being silent and on my own. I want friendship but Im just still learning so much! The only reason I ever look after myself is because I feel forced to. I feel forced by my own conscience and for the sake of principle, for the 'right thing'. But if I was to CHOOSE to look after myself for ME for my own value as a human being it leaves me with deep feelings of guilt for doing what I feel I dont deserve. This anticipation of guilt leaves me paralysed. I know Im not well.

Well, because I know Im not well Ive booked a private therapist tomorrow. I dont know whats going to happen but it helps to write this here. It helps me prepare my mind for what to say so thank you that I have this space to express this. I guess I realise something has to change in how I think if Im to change the way I act. And vica versa. The way I am and have been over the years, barely surviving, seems to me to be learnt behaviour that I need to unlearn. This is a leap of faith as Im going against whats normal for me and instead Im considering the possibility of an alternative.

[Hidden]

Hi, I’m sorry you are struggling deeply, it sounds like you have had a really tough life. It’s truly understandable that you feel this way after everything that has happened but just because you feel unworthy doesn’t mean that you are. You are very worthy. It’s great that you have acknowledged that you are unwell and need help, that takes courage, you may not feel like you are strong for doing so but you are. It does sound like you have severe chronic depression and ptsd, are you on any medication (antidepressants)?

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for your understanding. No, I really dont want any antidepressents. I dont like the idea of taking them. I dont judge others for having them but for me they make me fear being out of control

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I understand that, they are not for everyone. You are doing a great thing going to talk to a therapist. It’s really hard opening up but I know you will be ok. You are strong and I believe in you.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thank you very much 😊

[Hidden]

I agree with butticups. Please dont feel that you dont deserve anything. Remember that you are a amazing person. You deserve a lot more than you think. You are very strong and you can accomplish great things.

[milkweed1830]

wish i could just hug you and hold on to all the pain and sadness for you

[Hidden in reply to milkweed1830]

Thank you 🤗

[Hidden]

No, I dont have autism. But I understand why people may think that. I actually thought it myself for a while as I can struggle with interaction at times. But I actually really like the company of people I trust. I enjoy it. Also, I am really empathetic too and like to understand people. Im told that alot. My struggles with interaction only come from having a very lonely upbringing. I never learnt the skills others have but Im learning. Its really hard when a person has had no family to learn skills with. Anyone in my position would struggle with confidence. I actually went to therapy and she questioned whether I have autism too but after getting to know me and my life she came to the conclusion my upbringing has damaged me alot and I dont actually have autism. I believe this. Its also shown by the fact my character is not in stone. I learn alot and can grow in confidence if I have experiences and interaction to learn from - things that have been very limited in my life. I actually pushed myself to do performing arts as a teenager all to get used to interacting and socialising. It still was hard as I didnt have alot of interaction in my life to inspire me to perform the interactions I was meant to perform. It all felt so alien just due to not knowing how to 'be', but at least I tried. I can be very shy in circumstances but if Im comfortable I can be a bit cheeky and laddish and spontaneous. Honestly Im not autistic at all, I just havent had a canvass to express myself and be 'me' on so to speak, and so alot of the time it all can feel so new to me.

[Lazy_dog_lover]

Wow, that is a lot you are putting on your shoulders. I have been there, though. Have you researched shame? I was in a small group therapy and that was our main focus. The self doubt and feeling unworthy must stem from somewhere deep. Give it a look.

[Hidden in reply to Lazy_dog_lover]

Thanks, I wouldnt know where to begin on researching it tbh

[Lazy_dog_lover in reply to Hidden]

I would start with “dealing with shame”, “shame and self image”, “shame after abuse”, or “overcoming shame”. Shame, for me, was about internalizing the negligence and poor behaviors of family members as something I deserved and should just take. I thought I was supposed to grow up isolated. I felt I had to be a perfect student, but school was really easy for me, so I did not, learn good skills until college. My room and now my house have always been messy. When I start cleaning, it actually tells me that things are too chaotic and I need some order.

I wish you luck with the therapist. It may take a few visits to get comfortable, but go ahead and be honest. It will be messy. It will be hard. I have asked if I could write down my thoughts on a tough topic so my therapist could read it before our next meeting and we could discuss.

The most important thing to know is that you are not responsible for others’ poor behaviors. Out of all the self care things you listed as things you are not doing, pick one and let’s make that a goal to do. Meeting that goal will increase self worth.

Do you have hobbies?

Many, many times I got up in the morning to work, fearful and dreading every minute of it. I was on auto-play.

I am recovering from a major car accident and life has even hard this year, in spite of the plague. I am very stubborn, which fights with my depression. My dad stopped by today. He actually got mad at me because the insurance, the hospitals, and the lawyer were not working fast enough and why couldn’t I get a job! I can barely walk on most days. The injuries are 1-2 years to heal and now the doctors are talking of second surgeries. He just does not get it.

He does not even know about my depression. I chose not to disclose it to my family. Once he started swearing at me, I knew there was no changing his mind, today. That’s on him, though. I have dealt with him a long time.

If you find something on shame that connects with you, I’d be happy to discuss it more. Be strong. Be safe.

[Hidden in reply to Lazy_dog_lover]

I know this may be forward but if you have the notes from your group sessions would you consider emailing me them or some of them please?

[Lazy_dog_lover in reply to Hidden]

Sorry, that was a long time ago. You kinda have to go through it to find what connects to you and make sense of it all.