What to do w/ My Life?

[Keitaro69]

I'm a 19 yrs old boy and I only noticed that I have depression after my Lover broke up w/ me and all of my past events Is flashing Back to me since I was on elementary level im always Crying at night because Almost all of the kid is bullying me and teasing I'm an active and Cheerful kid back then but I still consider my self Depressed that time and time has come i step up to be a junior high school student and that time the bullying started to got worse and worse the most Painful event when I was on Grade 10 My two popular classmate started to hurt me physically and I ignore that but when they said Do you know why we hurt and beat you? Because your so ugly and we don't want you here in the school that event made a scar to my heart I always thinking that every night and cry into my room but still I graduated although no one attended my graduation and no one in my family attended and help me to get my diploma I was kinda sad that day and another flashbacks popping in my head I remember The time I was a kid when every birthday of us I mean me and my brother I see that my Mother always Buying a small cake for my little brother even if we are Poor that time cause my father abandoned us i know its a shallow reason to be depressed but dang my mother strives for money just to buy my little brothers cake (my brothers birthday is March 13 and 14 that's why they can celebrate each other) I have this memory when my birthday comes no one greets me and no one buy gifts for me or even bought a cake for me that's why I'm so jealous at my little brother I know I'm the eldest but hey its the day that I'm born although I wish that it's better that I'm not born from the start and after the graduation scene I just got home and saying to my grandma that I graduated already on junior high school and she say huh? You did not even informed us that it's your graduation day today and I said I just told everyone that tomorrow is my graduation day and no one Came (BTW since grade 11 I don't have a phone) the next morning my grandmother told me a story do you know why your mother hates you? BECAUSE your father raped her when she was still studying Law in college and that time I was shock she always remember the time that she was raped because of you and when you are still a baby your mother dropped you and when the nurses already gave me to my mom she said is this my baby? I can't believe it that this is my baby (I know I'm ugly) since then I was born with sadness, Pain, hatred and everything and my aunt said I still remember the time when someone says or ask to your mom (my aunt and mom is sisters btw) where is your eldest children she always hides me in her back and show my second brother instead (The one that raped my mom is my father btw and they got married) it's kinda sad and shocking and my mom Works In other country since I stepped grade 6 but she got back after my second brother graduated from his Junior high and its time to go to senior high level My mom will go back to her work again so her plan is She will Let her brother (My uncle) to take care of us three my uncle has kids 1 Girl 2 boys (My cousins) my uncle is a Pastor and her wife agreed to that Sequence that we will live to her and my uncle's house and that time it was a hell they are super strict and no gadgets while it's Weekdays study first they enrolled me on a school that is so prestigious and expensive I said to them but this school is so expensive my mother can't pay the tuition my another uncle promised that he will pay my tuition but it turns out to be not (My 2nd uncle is a doctor somewhere in the middle East and she is my mother's Little brother I only know my Mother's side family since my father abandoned us) after school when I'm at home already my Auntie (My uncle pastor's wife) Always Commands me to clean the house, do the laundry and everything I understand her cause we are living at her house that's why we do the chores with my brothers although there is a time that i was so tired and i didn't do the laundry and she was so mad at me she even Deducted my Lunch money that's why it's so hard I always struggling cause I don't really have the guts I mean my auntie is not really close at us that's why I'm afraid and Shy to ask for money to my school projects that's why I do recycled like when I have projects I Recycled things like folders and etc. That's why they called me a creative person although they teased me a junkshop owner I know my classmates is rich because that school is a private yet prestigious school in our Country its midterm already my second brother gives up that's why he goes back to my grandma's House and he is living right there and another that's why, my little brother I mean the youngest is living with our uncle. His Kids btw is Studying at the school that I'm studying also although the only new that their tuitions is Free because her mother is a proffesor there that's one of the perks of being a teacher on that school. Midterm there is a time it's half day I visited a park that I used to eat there after my classes when I was a junior high student that time I met my Boyfriend actually I'm not a gay im a Bisexual although that time I'm still a straight guy I only date girls that time there was a guy sitting on my favorite spot and I ask his name his name is Darrel btw and that time we talk and get each other personal information he is studying at my old school I ask him his age he said he is 18 that time I'm 17 I said okay its my curfew already my aunt and uncle is strict that's why I got home I opened my Computer to finish this research thing since we got Groupchqt on Facebook on school I opened my Facebook and I saw darrel added me and message me i ignored of course the next following days darrel flooded my messenger about 1 week I got irritated and I said what now?! He said he's inlove at me and etc. And I said no sorry he begs and said please try and respect my feelings and I tried to flirt with him and agreed together that we are officially to be a couple so that he will mot bother me any more there is a time he message me and said let's date and I said OK although I don't know about boy to boy dating thing cause Its my first time dating a boy I mean the same with my gender that's why I treated him poorly and badly although he always treated me good and loves me so much that time the wind changes its fate we broke up cause he is tired at me because I'm not texting him or treating him right (Note I don't have cell phone until G11) that time we broke up he have a boyfriend already and it's kinda bothering me because that time also I mean that's the only time I realized that I love him so much but its too late now before my b day comes that time we broke up btw he brings his new boyfriend infront of me the time I was celebrating my birthday with my super close friends at the park that Im going when I was still a junior high i got sad and tried to drink beer and gin and got drunk and i feel so disgusted at myself that's why everyday I noticed that i started to be quiter and thinking sadness there was a time I was riding a public Utility vehicle it was full of students and I realized my eyes started crying lol I didn't noticed it though until a stranger tells me are you okay dude? I was crying without reason the days passes I feel there is a Pain I feel in my heart it was so hard to bring it out I can't explain it its like it's so heavy and I'm to quite and the time has come i started to fail at class and everything I'm always crying and shit I visited the park almost everyday after my class to see my ex although I failed to see him that time I outburst because of what Im feeling right now i cried so hard and my super close friend help me and said what's wrong and I said I'm super sad and he said okay tell me about your story and past he said maybe you are depressed that time I truly understand what is the feeling to be depressed its so hard and I don't want to go back at that state the pain won't go away in my heart when I don't lacerate I don't feel pain on lacerating because of what I feeling inside my heart kevin helps me (Super close friend) and somehow the pain goes away although it leaves a scar on my heart I stop going to school cause the doctor on school said don't attend to for the whole finals this semester unfortunately you have hives it's highly contagious my Immune system got low and she gave me medications and after my Immune system got down the school year G11 finished already although the principal of the school said I will take the exam even if I didn't attend the whole finals cause of my sickness so I take that exam and I failed two major subject it was gen chemistry and math. I was unable to enroll for the next g12 and Im not motivated to go to school anymore I lost my passion and the next year I met my new Boyfriend I tried again to forget darrel his name is axle and he is my boyfriend right now and we are together now for 1 Yr and 4 months me and axle I mean me i decided to take a HIV and aids test with axle we found out that I was positive for HIV I was so scared and Sad that day btw axle tested negative the reason I get my HIV because I was raped when I was on grade 7 that was a hideous tragic that happened to me i reported in our local police they didn't do nothing oh i forgot they do something it is saying this to me "I know you like it" I know you liked to be raped I was speechless that time I didn't tell this to my partner because I'm afraid to be left btw my past relationships (I didn't engage to sex with me because I'm traumatised when I was g7) two years I'm left behind school and I'm sick that is uncurable and I'm paying for the medications for my maintenance on HIV I even didn't tell this to my family because they will despise me and kick me out to the family I don't even ask to them for the money to pay my medications but I'm depressed that I'm so so unlucky why I was born? I do find ways to get my own money to pay for the medications antest but right now I'm super broke and want to continue my studies no one can help me and now my bf is threatening me if I break him he will tell to others that I'm positive im kinda abused and right now I'm super depressed I just want to be happy dand alone I always praying that If he can get me now or i want to die instead I'm super tired and sad I'm always listening to the song Only hope by mandy and makes me cry I just want hope although the hope I was hoping is gone or nowhere to find

[0laf]

I can feel your pain. Focus on one thing, a goal to achieve and work towards it. THat ONE GOAL that makes sense to you, reminding yourself with hope, whatever you are feeling and suffering is real, but it is NOT YOU, it DOES BOT IDENTIFY YOU. You are alive, beautiful and there is light within you.