Another day

[Llama00]

I went to therapy yesterday and I was asked to try to let my emotions out by watching something sad and crying but I couldn't cry much. I watched some shows that have made me sad before but it didn't work I just frustrated myself. I always think of dying and this didn't increase it much but I really hate life I hate that I'm nothing but a loser and a failure every day.

[Hidden]

Hi Llama! I'm so sorry it's hard. Have you talked about these feelings with your therapist? If not, I highly recommend it since these aren't normal thoughts. I can only imagine how scary they must be for you.

[Llama00 in reply to Hidden]

Yea I have told her these feelings, she has tried talking to me about them but it hasn't worked. Yesterday she tried ends but it just made me cry some so I didn't care much for that. These thoughts are pretty normal for me I first started thinking about dying when I was a kid but it's gotten a bit worse.

[Hidden in reply to Llama00]

I'm so sorry that it's hard. Hang in there! Do you still like your therapist?

[Llama00 in reply to Hidden]

Yea I do she's nice.

[Hidden in reply to Llama00]

That's great! To me that makes a big difference. The important thing, though, is that she's helping. Is she helping? Do you find your time with her beneficial? You are the patient, so it needs to be to your benefit. How's the medication if you don't mind my asking?

[Llama00 in reply to Hidden]

The medication isn't doing anything at all. I don't know if I find it beneficial yet but it's better than being all alone. I at least know 2 days a week there is someone I can speak to or have attempt to help me.

[Hidden in reply to Llama00]

Yes, knowing that helps, doesn't it?

[Llama00 in reply to Hidden]

Yes somewhat but when I'm not there I just hate life and want to die. She's trying to help me find ways to cope when I'm at home or when I feel that way but it's not working.

[Hidden in reply to Llama00]

I hope it will soon. You have to give it time. It takes time to work on ourselves.

[Llama00 in reply to Hidden]

I understand it takes time but I hate that this has been my feeling all my life.

[Hidden in reply to Llama00]

Yes, that is odd. Have you discussed with your therapist what might have triggered this feeling all those years ago? Did something happen back then that could've started you feeling this way? Something must have. I mean, I don't think we just wake up one day feeling suicidal.

[Llama00 in reply to Hidden]

I don't remember specifically what triggered it probably a few things. I just never felt my life mattered. I don't think I mentioned all of it yet.

[Hidden in reply to Llama00]

Well, if you remember write it down and discuss with your therapist. Getting to the bottom of why you always feel so bad will probably help you move forward.

[Llama00 in reply to Hidden]

I don't think it's just 1 thing. It's my entire life as a whole.

[Hidden in reply to Llama00]

Ok. Firstly, it normally isn't just one thing (you're not alone there). Secondly (and only if you feel comfortable doing so), maybe this is something you need to start working on in therapy. Again, I don't want to put words in your mouth, so this is just a recommendation.

I need to go to bed soon, so talk later! Good luck with everything!

[Llama00]

Because I am it's not a feeling it's just a fact. I always have been.

[Llama00]

I've done nothing or accomplished anything. It's not like I want the mindset I'm just being realistic.

[mvillarreal]

I'm so sorry. I hope you're okay. The fact that you're getting help is a good sign, though. I would definitely be honest with your therapist and let them know that the exercise didn't help you emote and see what they recommend as the next step. Also, please know that you're not a loser or a failure. These feelings of shame often come up because they help us make sense of our emotions and sufferings, but that doesn't mean that the voice of shame is true. In my opinion, you are a beautiful, kind person who is suffering and trying to get through that suffering. If your suicidal thoughts get worse, please call 911 or the Suicide Hotline. We are always here to support you and love you deeply!