Feeling trapped...

[chronicchaos]

I am new here, and very desperate to connect with others to talk with. I've been dealing with depression for my entire adult life, but a lot of events over the past few years (the end of a LTR, loss of any self confidence I ever had, feeling nailed to the floor because of the pandemic) have made it all worse. I have no friends and no interests as a result of feeling so trapped all the time, I sort of stay in one place and I'm terrified, and have no clue what to do. I need to know people, I don't know anyone beyond a very few family members who I'm not close with. I am still hoping that I'll find somewhere online that I can connect to others, making it like things are now isn't going to fly for much longer.

[Shnookie]

Hi I’m Shnookie and U have come to

the right place. We R here to support U.

I woke up this morning in a blah mood. I decided to perk myself U and turned on

Some funky disco 💃🏼 first I danced to

the Village people classic YMCA and then to the long version of staying alive. The point is U can pick anything U want to dance to or take a sort walk but it’s a nice way to start up the day. I’m in your corner.

Hugs 🤗 S

[chronicchaos in reply to Shnookie]

Thank you for the response, it definitely does make me feel slightly less alone. I live with my elderly dad and younger son, so dancing is sort of off the table! I'd wake them both up. That is the type of response I tend towards having, something always stands in my way or perhaps I hold myself back. My corner is really empty so it's nice to know that someone is in it.

[Shnookie in reply to chronicchaos]

Hi it's Shnookie. Of course I'm in your corner. I do understand your situation. I lived with my beloved mother for almost 20 years. However from the time she was diagnosed with metastatic pancreatic cancer in September 2014 until her death in January 2016, I was her sole caregiver. So definitely no dancing for me in the house. Can U purchase

ear buds to put into your iphone so you can listen to music U like when U take a break.

I was just listening to Andrea Bocelli on my iphone singing Besame mucho to a live crowd in Lake Las Vegas - check it out on Youtube. I know at times it can get to be too much.

Try visualization of someplace peaceful where you can melt your sorrows away. I know in the house, this is asking for too much. But if U can get out of the house on a break, it will make U feel good. I know this might sound like short term things to do. just trying to give you some examples without disrupting the balance of your household.

I'm here for you. Hugs S

[chronicchaos in reply to Shnookie]

Hi again Shnookie. It's nice to think of someone in my corner who can understand my situation. I've lived with my late mom and my dad for the past 20 years, I ended up the child (of 4 siblings) who stayed at home with our parents. It's never been great, but was okay until we lost mom. Then my dad sunk into a deep depression that no one can get him out of - well, he doesn't want out. He's happy being miserable. I am his sole caregiver, and my son is also special needs and there is no father in the picture so it's hard. I should buy ear buds that work for me, I have small ears so all of them fall out - it sounds strange but no, they won't stay in. My concentration makes it hard to practice visualization. I appreciate the examples and am very open to them! I do need to get out of the house more often, right now I am so scared to drive that I only leave with my sister. I need to fix that soon because she's getting tired of driving me everywhere and I can't blame her. Thank you again for taking the time to respond to me. That means a lot. Hugs.

[brokenankle75]

Hi there. I would like to get to know you and become good friends. I hardly have any friends. And my family except 1 Of my brothers is involved in my life. But he’s in prison. I’m so alone. As far as wise as my interest I do have some but I’ve been so withdrawn I don’t find comfort in doing them or the desire. And I start my day feeling good and that I want to do these things but as the day goes on I feel less and less interested and I end up not doing them. I really like this forum Because it’s so nice to know that there’s people out there who are going through similar problems or just care in general just simply with a reply helps me feel special.

[chronicchaos in reply to brokenankle75]

Hello back to you. I'd be very happy to get to know you, and would love to have a friend. I really don't have any, just my family but most of us aren't very close. I'm so sorry to hear that your brother is in prison and that causes you to be so alone. I understand that feeling, all too well. You are describing exactly the way I am, begin withdrawn and not having the desire. And, starting the day with plans and then losing interest and drive to do any of it. This could have been written about and by me, I'm the same way. And I don't like it at all. I wish I could figure out how to be happy again, I just don't see it. So don't worry that you are alone, because you aren't. I think there are caring people here, I think we both landed in a good, safe place.

[khayrah]

Hello Chronicchaos, I literally just joined this forum. This is my first time looking for help online. My hopes are that people like yourself and the many others could help me get out of this funk... As well as I could have the opportunity to use my life experiences and knowledge to help you and others.

As Shnookie said in their reply finding an uplifting activity to engage in first thing upon awakening helps. I too love my music therapy. Find what brings you joy and try to engage in it at least 2x a day. Let US start there.

What do you find interesting? What is fun for you? or What use to be fun to you?

[chronicchaos in reply to khayrah]

Hello khayrah, thank you for the reply, I've been trying for so long to connect with people and haven't been very successful. What can I do, that might help you out? I don't know how to get out of my own funk (maybe it's permanent) but perhaps I'm supposed to try to ease things for others. I'm not sure! Sharing my life experiences would be filled with negativity, sadly enough.

The farther I've gone into my own head, I realize that there is nothing anymore the I find interesting or fun. What used to be fun? This is silly, but I used to spend long periods of time trying to put on cosmetics to match what I'd be watching on You Tube or where ever. That sounds dumb but? At the time, it was fun. Now I have tons of cosmetics sitting here getting dusty, it's rather sad actually.

You should definitely take advantage of loving music therapy, and engaging in that 2x a day. It's awesome that there's something you already know you enjoy, and you can easily continue enjoying it.

Thank you again for replying to my post. I'm here if you want to talk.

[Hidden]

I am so sorry to hear that. I know it’s Heard- making the right kind of connections. People who understand and get what you are going through. I believe they are out there. Don’t give up hope. The right people will find you 🥰.

I am trying to set up a Zoom meeting for people wanting to join. You are more then welcome to join our Facebook group. It’s a brand new group based on a post here a few days so. A lovely member had asked about a group call on Zoom and I agreed to host one. Feel free to join or DM me 😊. You are not alone. 🥰

Here is the link just on case:

facebook.com/groups/6182755...

[chronicchaos in reply to Hidden]

Hi Ladybird111 ~ I'm not out in the world enough for the right people to find me! I've been trying to find in person support groups, not that I have an issue with online support groups... I just can't do them. I have nowhere private enough to do a Zoon meeting. I'd LOVE to join, I'm afraid to. I know that sounds crazy, that I want to reach out but that's part of the issue... I want to but can't seem to do it. I'm so stuck in place. Thank you for saying that I'm not alone. 🥰

[Hidden in reply to chronicchaos]

I am so sorry. I know the feeling about feeling stuck 😌. I am sure when you are ready you will reach out. Healing takes time. I something find being around pets so comforting and healing. Do you have any?

[chronicchaos in reply to Hidden]

The only way I can reach out is with my sister by my side - she is an awesome person and is extremely helpful but is getting impatient and tired of all my issues. I'm afraid that I'll chase her off. Without her I really am stuck, I became afraid to drive and I HAVE TO fix that, she's driving me all over and it's really becoming a problem. And I absolutely agree that being around pets is comforting and healing... We have a cat, he isn't very friendly but now and again I get a little cuddle time. I'd love to get a dog but it's just not feasible right now. Are you lucky in the pets department? I hope so, for your well being. 😉

[Cary25]

Hello! I completely understand how you feel. I’ve suffered from anxiety for several years but this year really spiraled the anxiety into panic. I left my job, and have experienced intense anxiety because of Covid. I would love to connect with a you or group to talk on Zoom. It’s difficult to deal with anxiety when family/friends don’t really understand what you’re going through. Sending you hugs!

[chronicchaos in reply to Cary25]

I totally get what you're saying. My anxiety is at ridiculous levels and the advent of Covid has made everything worse. I'm scared to drive now, which is really causing issues. Like you, I would love to connect to people, I am timid about Zoom though. I wish there were in-person support groups going on but apparently it's too soon for those to be up and running again. I hope that happen sooner rather than later. My family completely doesn't understand me, that's why I feel so lost and alone. I'll accept your hugs and send them right back your way.

[Cary25 in reply to chronicchaos]

I can relate to everything you said including the fear of driving. I’ve just started to drive around my neighborhood (with my partner in the car, not by myself yet) just to start taking small steps to driving again. Last time I drove alone, was in March at the beginning of the shutdowns due to Covid. So just taking small steps like that helps. Also, I’ve been seeing a therapist online who encouraged me to try doing things again like driving, (even if they’re baby steps) to build self confidence. Maybe trying taking small steps toward things that cause you the fear. I was terrified at first to even get in the car, and sat there for a few minutes before I even started driving around the neighborhood. But it felt better once I did that, then it made me believe I can do it again. You can do the same thing too. If you would like to chat let me know.

[chronicchaos in reply to Cary25]

Thank you so much for sharing your feelings in regard to driving, it tells me that I need to force myself to take those "baby steps" (even those seem big to me) or I'm concerned that the fear will get so big that I won't be able to overcome it. By the way, you are very lucky to be able to say "my partner". I was in a long term relationship that ended about a year ago and even though it simply had to end I still feel so alone (and honestly a little envious of everyone with partners). How do you like having a regular therapist that you see online? I'm not sure if I could be as open as is necessary in therapy, if I was sitting here in my room knowing my dad and son are in the house. I need to find a therapist badly, now my psychiatrist is retiring so I have to find a replacement for her as well. Anyway - congratulations on making those forward steps towards being able to drive again. As established, we sound the same here so I can guess about the emotions attached to it. I hope you are able to continue forward, so you can easily drive where you want to go & do so by yourself. Again, I'd like the same thing. We can definitely support one another through this. I'd enjoy chatting with you further, sounds like we have a bit in common. 😊

[Hidden]

Hi! Welcome! People...People who need people are the luckiest people! That's a song sung by Barbara Streisand. I am super socially needy sometimes especially lately. I have a cat and live with someone who is not available much of the time. I am so grateful for this computer and internet to interact a little. You are welcome to message me if you want to. I am really excited to talk to people and be here.

[chronicchaos in reply to Hidden]

Hi back! I need people, I'm just having trouble accomplishing that. When you don't work (I've been off the job for years, due to disability) the world becomes very small. I wish that I had a job or could do volunteer work, just to be around people. I'm glad you have a cat, but sorry the person you live with isn't available that often. I'm just starting to reach out a bit to people, I'd love to create lasting relationships if that's possible in the world anymore. With how Covid has taken over everything, it's hard to guess if life will ever feel normal again. You are welcome to message me if you want to, I'd be happy to hear from you!

[Hidden]

Hi chronicchaos! I have been there so many times and can relate to how you're feeling. You should first take a moment to recognize the fact that you joined this forum and reached out to try and connect with people. That's great! I've also had grand plans to do things that seem fun but find myself completely drained of energy and never getting anything done. I find that building momentum can be hugely helpful for getting out a funk. I suggest trying to do just one thing you enjoy each day and make a habit of it. Then you can build on that. I saw you mentioned you used to like following makeup tutorials on youtube. Makeup can be so fun and you can be so creative with it. Maybe try having fun with it each day and then you can build from there...as in you might start to have the energey to pursue other hobbies.

[chronicchaos in reply to Hidden]

hi Georgiagal ! Thank you for writing. I guess it didn't occur to me that I should recognize reaching out through this forum as having done a good thing! It IS a step in the right direction for me. I'm so used to finding fault or talking down to myself, that it's strange to switch mindsets to where I actually did something right! I definitely have talked to a few very nice people here. Now (10 PM) forward is hard for me, I'm so alone and it's dark and quiet. I don't like being alone all the time. I really like your suggestion of doing one thing I enjoy every day and making it a habit. I wonder if I'd be able to rekindle my interest in cosmetics again... It can be fun and it's the right time of year and I don't really know what's stopping me. And building from there would be wonderful. I even have a major goal: being able to drive myself again. It's too hard on my sister to drive me everywhere and I don't want it to become an issue between her and I. I have no clue why I'm so afraid (or what I'm afraid of) but I'd love to be able to get in my car, go to the store and pick up a few things for dinner and come home without it needing to be a big deal. Now, since I don't drive, we have to plan it out twice a week (to grocery shop) and it's a big hassle in every possible way. I'd be devastated if my sister was angry at me, so this is something I really have to figure out. It's not quite like finding something I enjoy doing, but it's definitely something I need to do. Do you still find that you make those grand plans and never get anything done? What helps you build momentum? Sorry for the questions, I haven't done a lot of talking to anyone for a while now. Hoping I don't wear out my welcome here!

[Hidden in reply to chronicchaos]

You certainly won't where out your welcome and don't worry about the questions! I'm so glad you've already connected with people. And I know nighttime can be the worst for loneliness. My only advice for that would be to try to distract yourself or even just go to sleep earlier if you can. I think that's a great goal and I absolutely I believe you can get there. For me, what helps build momentum is starting small. When I get in really bad funks, I really let my self care on the most basic levels go. It's like I am just existing from day to day. I realized just taking steps to prepare for the day changed my mindset. So I literally told myself to begin with "just take a shower every morning and put on fresh clothes." That's it. Just do that one thing, no excuses. Then I built on that. OK. Eat breakfast so I have energy. OK. Try to accomplish one to-do list item. And it went from there. I think those small achievements build up to accomplishing those big goals because all those small details become non negotiable. And you start to realize, I can do this. I can control my day. I can set the tone for my thoughts. I am ultimately in control of my life.

[chronicchaos in reply to Hidden]

Oh, you aren't kidding that nighttime is the worst. I dread it every day and it takes me a lot to distract myself from watching the clock as it moves so slowly. Years ago I had what I'd consider a significant drinking problem, you have no idea how many times I think about going back to drinking again. I know that it's not a direction I'd choose but sometimes it's hard not to go that way again. If I'm in a really bad, dark place there are definitely times when I can't even drag myself to the shower. Fortunately that's not a normal state for me but I'd be less than honest if I didn't admit it. Some days I just absolutely don't care if I even get dressed. I've worried for a while now that I'm going to develop agoraphobia. That would be absolutely devastating if that happened, I don't even want to think about it. And it really is a concern for me. Crazy as it sounds, just thinking about it right now is making me feel like I'm going to launch myself into an anxiety attack, my stomach is just clenching. I need to redirect my thoughts here. I've been wanting to set myself a daily project - something small and easy to do - and use that as a jumping off place for the day. Days are rough because my son is in school and I have to stay out of the way so I end up dragging myself through the day so I can spend an hour or two visiting with my sister (she comes over every day) and then start the same process of dragging myself through the night. And I don't even sleep well, I'm lucky if I manage to get six hours but it's usually a lot less than that. You sound so strong and self assured, being able to control your day and set the tone for your thoughts. As a matter of fact, you sound the way I really hope to sound one day - like you've already got this well in hand. I've absolutely got figure out how to wake up my interests in something - anything, at this point. Do you have any special interests or hobbies that keep you busy and engaged?

[Hidden in reply to chronicchaos]

I'm actually working on discovering more hobbies but right now I like to cook/bake, read, work out, and I just started this paint by numbers project that is actually really fun. What do you have in mind for your small goal? Is there anything you and your son could do together to keep the agoraphobia away?

It's crazy you mention drinking and not sleeping well. I don't think I have a drinking problem but I definitely use it as a crutch to unwind regularly. I'd actually like to get away from that but it's hard. And I can barely sleep well. I usually wake up multiple times and feel horrible in the morning. Still trying to figure out how to fix that. On a good day, I've got some of my mindset figured out... but it's always a battle. Bad days are especially hard, it's like no matter how positively I think the negativity takes over. One day I hope to really be able to reel those thoughts in and be that self assured person all the time.

[Shortyluv]

Hi this is Tanya. I can completley relate to what you're going through. I'm here if you need to talk. I am also looking for new friends on here. I have chronic anxiety & depression issues so I can relate to you. Message me back if you would like.🙂