Splitting up

[BeachSeaSky]

Hi ya guys, will try to make this as short as possible, My 14 year long marriage has ended, My wife wants to move on with her life without me, we live in the same house still, it’s been 10 weeks, I am feeling down most of the time, and feeling anxious about the most silly little things, has anyone got some advice about moving on,

[Hidden]

Take ur time..listen to what ur gut is telling ya.

Now it's time to put urself n ur needs first to be able to heal n be healthy for any future friendships or relationships.

It's not easy but..HEY..u got all of us here to talk to .😊

[BeachSeaSky]

Yeah your right I can’t trust my mind at the mo, so going with your heart and gut is the right way

[Hidden in reply to BeachSeaSky]

Baby steps..

[Mary-intussuception]

Hi Tony

Sorry you're going through all this.

How are the gym classes going? Did you make it to the second class?

[BeachSeaSky in reply to Mary-intussuception]

Yes went to one on Thursday thank you 😊

[KataPierce]

My husband and I are going through something similar... we've separated but we still live under the same roof with his daughter and his grandson. I'm constantly anxious and feel I have no privacy or space. What's helped me so far is blocking off time that they cannot disturb me. Giving yourself love first is the most important thing. Sometimes people come and go in your life, but you'll always be there for you, so love yourself. And don't think your anxieties are silly, minds are a crazy thing, but how you feel is valid if it's important to you. I know it just sucks, there's no better way to put it, but I feel both of us can get through this.

[BeachSeaSky in reply to KataPierce]

Hi Kata, yeah I agree it sucks ! I toke a bit of a knock when she finished our marriage.... trying to build my self-esteem back up it’s taking a while, it’s almost like you’re starting from scratch and learning to love yourself again ....

and the fact that my wife is already seeing other people is making it very difficult to live in the same house...

even though she’s doing it discreetly

Thank you for the reply it’s nice to know there is someone out there going through a similar thing, hope the best of luck for you to 😊😊

[Quest4peace]

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’ve been there. The most valuable thing for me at the beginning was to attend a divorce support group with an experienced facilitator and others that were recently divorced or separated.

This was such an essential and valuable piece to start me on the path to healing.

And, I made a lifelong friend while attending!

The only one in my area, which I attended, was conducted through a non-denominational Christian church. However, this was NOT a religious based program. So don’t let that dissuade you if you were to consider something similar. Good luck to you. You will get through this with time and patience.

[Want2BHappy3]

Sorry for what you’re going though, been there myself. My marriage was also 14 years long we stayed in the same house too. The difference is the police were being called on several occasions. He was having an affair, because he owned the house he changed the locks, locked out his own kids. I left because I was afraid for our Safety. I called the police to let us in. My kids and I were homeless for a few weeks. Didn’t want to take a chance he’d try to put me in jail? Back to You, was she having an affair? Do you have anywhere to go? Things can get Nasty? Get counseling for help. I hope you’re able to move on? You don’t have a Choice. 🙏😷

[BeachSeaSky]

Hi,the reason we Are still living in the same house yes 🤔 my wife can’t afford to move out ,and I pay the bills so can’t pay two house hold bills , if I move out , so not sure what to do guess selling the house might be the only way forward, or one of us moves in with our parents or friends for a while ?

[Tara52]

My heart goes out to you.💗 Know that you can never be separated from Divine Love. Drae close to God for His comfort, guidance and connection and you wont feel so alone.💝HUgs! (Look for a good church too)

[BeachSeaSky]

Yeah your right I’ve been way to nice to her , I’ve tried many times to talk to her about splitting the bills and house hold chores , but she just explodes every time she is a passive aggressive never can talk about anything without twisting it back round to her being the victim,

She also lies to me and kids when she doesn’t come home some nights that hurts because of the kids , they are 14 & 15 and not stupid,

I think we should be living apart before seeing other people, we still share a bed so it’s really an affair

[Ricardo70]

I'm so sorry bud my thoughts are with you. It must be torture to be around your ex living in the same house. May I suggest that either you or your ex temporarily move to a relative's or friends. I don't know if there are any children involved and it is the done thing for a mother and children to stay in the family home. I know it's a bit ruthless but take pictures of all your shared belongings and secure your personal possessions. So many times ex partners have cleaned out home's and joint bank accounts.

When all said and done it's going to take time for you to move on. Start with spending time with friends and relatives, reconnect with old friends, join online support groups like this one and start trying to meet new friends. Your never too old to start dating but that will come later. DON'T SHUT YOURSELF AWAY. Don't punish yourself, analyse, or question why?Millions of people fall out of love it just happens, STAY STRONG, we are all here for you.

[BeachSeaSky in reply to Ricardo70]

Cheers buddy ,

[NoNo19 in reply to Ricardo70]

Great response

[BeachSeaSky]

Thanks it’s good to talk...not to have all these thoughts all to myself is a release , it is hard to actually say what you want to say not sure why fear hope losing someone completely god knows.

But you are right I need to make a stand, as you said it’s horrible 😟😆

It’s not good being a giver in these situations you just get walked over 😔

My wife is was a taker

[Ricardo70]

Any time, your not alone.👍

[Helpingmyself]

I totally understand, try 30 years of marriage. In my case my husband has a drug problem. He has finally moved out, has an apartment and realizes how he screwed up. For us financially, not sure what her decision is for wanting to end your marriage, but if it's things that have been brewing for a long time and she just had enough? Try counseling, even if she doesn't want to, it's good for you! I've already filed divorce and believe me, my moods are up and down. It's like a death, but if you haven't been happy for a long time, it maybe time to move on. Like I said, not sure what your circumstances are. Prayers are my refuge too...wish you well!

[skeetersfly]

First, you should be congratulated for providing a financially stable home for your kids. Second, you are a great person for giving more of yourself than many people would in a situation like this.

I do have some experience being in relationships with people like this. The most important thing I could pass on to you would be to ask yourself if this is a life that is best for you and your kids for the long term. Ultimately, you are the one that decides whether to be married or not. It sounds like your wife is using tactics to control your behavior in ways that benefit her. Does this sound like what’s happening? If so, how long has this control been occurring?

If she is controlling you, she won’t give up easily. That could be behind her explosions when you attempt to talk about this with her. Unfortunately, the time for talking may have passed, at least with your wife. You may want to talk to your kids and agree on how you three would like to move forward. You are responsible for taking action on that decision.

At this point, you have responsibility to make the best life you can for your kids and yourself. Your wife seems to have made her decision.

[Fortune_cookie]

Hi. I've been there, my advice is look for professional help before your condition gets worse and if she wants to move on without you just talk to her and tell her to move out.

[BeachSeaSky]

Yeah your right about the controlling tactics , it’s a passive aggressive approach I think I’ve got to be very direct with her

Thanks for your reply , you seem to have a very good insight into my situation

[N-cole]

Hey. I know it's hard. I do not think you can begin to process that it is really over when you are still living like husband and wife. It's really unfair what you are going through . Maybe it's time to start putting yourself first. You may come across as selfish or whatever, but it will be good for you and your mental health. Take control of the situation, what you feel you don't want, do away with, protect your feelings and well being.

[BeachSeaSky in reply to N-cole]

Thank you that’s some good advise I totally agree 😊x

[Pieborn]

It took the divorce court to get my ex to leave the house. It took a year. It was the most awful time in my life. I'm learning that his judgements of me that made him divorce were wrong and he will be living with his ignorance all his life. I don't have to be attached to his mistakes anymore, and that feels great. Get yourself the space.

[Hidden]

Ugghhhh, divorce. It really is like dealing with death. And then you're like, how do I start over here??? Even though my ex and I are split in some weird way we're still friends. But if either of us picks up and starts dating again that could change. I feel for you.

[GreenMom2009]

Always listen to your gut! Usually for me, that feeling is correct. And dont let what other people tell you affect your judgement or decision making. I know from personal experience. Right now, you need to be selfish and put yourself first. You need to build yourself back up as a single individual. It may not feel easy, probably will be one of the hardest thing you feel you've ever had to do, but it will be worth it! Remember, it's no longer your job to make your ex happy!! Time to make yourself happy!!! I'm here if you need to talk.

[BeachSeaSky in reply to GreenMom2009]

Thank you 😊

[GreenMom2009 in reply to BeachSeaSky]

No problem! Words of encouragement are important (and helpful to hear).

[NoNo19]

My thoughts exactly!!

[RCCOLA]

Always be nice and caring. This happened to me recently and despite terrible behavior from the other person, I've always been there for her but now it's in a more pragmatic decision. My point is, you'll probably feel better about yourself if you're nice to her and everyone. Also, while the future looks confusing, even dangerous, you should also consider the good possibilities. Then again, perhaps I'm of low IQ and full of crap.