Depression and break ups...

[Knicole94]

I am going through an absolutely terrible break up, and I have completely lost myself. It’s honestly the closest I have ever been to losing my mind. We were together for almost a year and a half, and just suffered a miscarriage a month ago. We were happy, perfect and trying until then. Now he says he’s lost his feelings for me, and it shows. I can tell he’s happy without me and it’s destroying me. I’m always trapped in my head enough, but the last few days I have been absolutely out of it. As if the past month wasn’t enough, now I’m losing him too. I haven’t been able to eat or sleep but I’m tired and starving though every time I try to eat I get sick or just really don’t want anything. This last week I’ve slept maybe two hours a night, and the night before last I didn’t sleep at all, so I was up for over two days. I had a mental breakdown last night and I scared myself really bad. Now I’m scared of what the future holds because of my mental state I don’t know what I’m going to do. I have an important job but I feel like I can’t even go because I can’t focus and I’m heartbroken. This is the most and worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life. Someone please tell me how on earth I can get this out of my head and move forward. I can’t move on after this

[Knicole94]

To add, one minute he says we’re going to fix it, but he’s not here and his stuff and his dog is. And he barely communicates with me because I always just cry and cry. Trust me he knows my heart he knows exactly what I want I’ve told him 1 million times literally spelling it out for him. I’ve tried everything I can possibly do I know all I can do is just wait and whatever will be will be, but I can’t even begin to try to move on because all of his stuff is here and when he does come to see me I cry my eyes out and he tells me we’re going to fix it but I think it’s just an escape for him. He says he loves me and I know he does but I just don’t know why he’s throwing it all away and we can have it back if we tried

[Hidden in reply to Knicole94]

Can you go stay somewhere else for a while, maybe with family to give yourself a chance to get a break and think a bit more clearly..

You are under a lot of pressure there, if you get away for a bit you and him both might be able to think things over better if you are apart for a while.

[Knicole94 in reply to Hidden]

Well I have a dog and I have my job but all my stuff is here this is my house but we were talking about moving together up until he started staying with his mom because it’s closer to his job and money has been tight. I can’t just leave here but I don’t want to stay here.

[Hidden in reply to Knicole94]

I don't know what else to say except you should try to be with family as much as possible for support.

I hope things work out for you.

[Knicole94 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you

[TheGalician]

Knicole

I am sorry for the situation you find yourself in. It is never easy to deal with losses and the feelings of the loss of relationship after your miscarriage must be incredibly hard to bear.

A sensitive deep feeling person deserves to be loved unconditionally. But instead, you have this push and pull - loves me loves me not - leaving you in knots; a puppet on a string.

But, you are stronger and far more resilient than your mind makes you think. Our minds are tricksters and sometimes it keep us in limbo. The answer is to have confidence in yourself. Confidence means con-fidence; con (with) and fidence (fidelity or faith and trust). That faith and trust is ultimately found in connecting with that deeper part of yourself that is always there to help you. You are never given a problem that you cannot solve.

You have a decision to make. Do you stick or twist in this relationship. What does it mean if you feel a man is not there to support and love and hold you in the dark times of recovering from a miscarriage. Will he be there in 12 months or 2 years or in a life time of adventuring. Only you know the answer.

However dry a desert is there is that moment the weather breaks to bring life giving water to the seeds that have been laying dormant. If you have ever witnessed that moment of the weather breaking it is something you can never forget. The feeling and sound of rain beating on your body and face is truly liberating as indeed tears can be. Each day has its purpose and each season its time. This feels like a time for you to chose the right path - to reflect and discern what is best for you and then act on the outcome of that discerning with heart felt confidence.

Any woman who is a writer, a cake artist and a percussionist must be truly remarkable. Use those mediums creatively to connect with yourself and discern your answers.

Love

G

[Knicole94 in reply to TheGalician]

Thank you so much for your words... it is incredibly hard. Wanting what you can’t have

[Nothing_but_books in reply to TheGalician]

She doesn't need happy-dappy "you are never given a problem you can't solve". Life doesn't work that way. Things go to hell, and all you can do is find your own peace.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Nothing_but_books]

Knicole, I'm sorry for all that has happened. This is a very bad time for you, and the eating and sleeping problems, the sense of losing your mind, they are all expressions of the pain. It's so hard, but this is what you have for now. Keep reaching out for all the support you can find.

[TheGalician in reply to Nothing_but_books]

Thank you for your words.

Let me challenge what you say. Basic psychology tells us that we create our own reality; we do not see what is but what we think is. Essentially, we are or become what we think. So, that is my premis or working theory.

If that is, then we can begin to approach the world from different perspectives and thought roots. One approach might be to see the world in thought and name as, say, “Nothing_but-pain”.

As I look on those words - and the incongruos way in which they are linked - life does begin to feel harder and more difficult and emptier. I want to draw my eyes away but the pain keeps me set and fixed. I see the words “Nothing_but-pain” and all I can offer is my love and hand of friendship.

My lived experience is things go to hell because we see and think hell and so create our hell.

Change your thinking and change your world.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to TheGalician]

I hear you. There is some merit in what you say -- under some circumstances.

I know your intentions are good. I don' t dispute that.

I won't go into graphic detail, but there are horrific circumstances many do not choose and can not escape.

To me, what you're saying feels a lot like the "you don't look sick", and "stop giving into your illness" disrespect that brings us here, to associate with those who understand trauma.

Change your thinking, and you change what you think. Monsters still exist. We can't wish them away.

[TheGalician in reply to Nothing_but_books]

Have you read “Man’s Search for Meaning” by Viktor Frankl? It is an interesting book.

[momander]

HI Knicole,

I am so sorry to hear of your situation.

There seems to be a lot going on here for you, ( for both of you)?

Suffering a miscarriage is an awful thing, both physically and emotionally.

Maybe your partner just can't deal with the loss and has retreated from you? Only you know if this could be the case?

Meanwhile you are left trying to pick up the pieces from this devastating event!!

Have you had any sup[port from your GP or hospital?? have they signposted you to any support groups in your local area who may be able to help you?

Do you have family or friends that you may be able to talk to, or even stay with for a short while??

All of this, I am sure, must be so hard for you just now, but time really is a healer, and you WILL become stronger and get through this I promise you.

I wish you well and hope that you grow in strength every day

take care

[catsrock]

Hi, I just want you to know how sorry I am that you are going through this. The only advice I can give is to be SO kind to yourself right now. If that means not seeing your boyfriend, taking time off work, or whatever sounds good to you, please do it. You deserve to have time to heal after the loss of a miscarriage and I am wondering if being around your boyfriend is making it worse. Plus, sleep deprivation SUCKS! It makes everything seem worse. I hope you get a break soon.

[Tara52]

Breakups are the worst pain I have ever suffered. I feel so bad for you. I can remember when my husband left me years ago ( with 2 small children) I couldn't eat and the pain was so bad I thought I would die! 😭 Somehow we get through it with God's help. I didn't have a supportive family then. I hope you do. Maybe you can find a support group to go to. CODA groups gave me alot of support. You may want to check one out. You can get on YouTube and see what they are all about. In the meantime I will pray God comforts you. It is hard to imagine right now but you will find love again, probably with someone more loving and committed. 🙏💝

[Midori]

Hello and welcome.

You are grieving the loss of your baby and so is he. It was a part of him too.

It's a very difficult time for you both, and I can understand this, having miscarried twice.

I see a guy who is having a bad time processing what has happened, but he's left his dog and his stuff with you for safe keeping, and I see that as a sign of hope. I don't think he's throwing it away, I think he is feeling as bad as you, and doesn't know how to help you while dealing with his own feelings of loss.

Grieve for your baby, but don't grieve for him right now, as it will be too much for you to process. Try not to be clingy, he doesn't need it, and it could drive you apart, rather than bring you back together.

Once the pair of you are feeling better about your loss, I would suggest 'date' nights, so you can rediscover your joy in each other.

In the meantime, go to a grief counsellor, who can help you process this and realise there is still life to come.

Cheers, Midori

[Knicole94 in reply to Midori]

Hello, and thank you but I wish I could tell you you were right. He has been incredibly rude and careless with me and speaking to me, he actually picked up his things yesterday and supposedly going to get his dog tomorrow. The type of person he is, he actually probably already has someone, or at least someone he has his eye on. The last couple of days have been incredibly rough and sad, but today I went back to work and felt pretty all right... Tomorrow is a different story though, as the day after that is also.

[Midori in reply to Knicole94]

Oh, that's incredibly sad, many more pregnancies fail before they even become apparent; and it's not good of him to give up after one problem.

Is he a bit of a womaniser?

Cheers, Midori

[101315]

Hope you are doing ok Knicole94 .. the first week of a breakup is immensely overwhelming. I am no expert in relationships and have bore more heartache than I can count. I have been able to come to terms with things and while the future is not gleaming bright, it is not as bleak and miserable as it felt in the immediate time frame of the breakups. Nobody like to hear that it gets better while your heart is still beating in the middle of the floor after someone ripped it out and stepped on it, but there is no real quick fix.

Your circumstance is a rough one and my heart goes out to you for your loss. Stop by the forum more often if you need a friend to unwind with. Whether it serves as a distraction or a way to heal, you will find compassion here.

[Broken327]

I am in the same boat, only help I have is you are not alone.