Dread

[Womannchains]

I haven't been on here in a while, it seems a couple of weeks, but I went down into a spiral, and I couldn't even cope with going outside, so I shut myself down and tried to reboot.

It was the 4 year anniversary of my loves suicide. I grieve in a different way, I get so very sad, then angry. I hate him, and I love him. I miss him. And I feel lost without him. I have this constant feeling of "dread". I dread trying to sleep, because I usually can't, or if I do, I dread the dreams that are like a plague. I dread the mornings, waking up in both physical and emotional pain. I dread the day ahead, I usually drink 3 cups of coffee very quickly with xanax and a pain med. For about an hour and a half I feel ok, and then it all starts over again.

I'm on an antidepressant, been on all of them over the years, and I'm lucky if one will help maybe 35% for 6 months, then poof...it's then switching meds, to try and get myself normalized, back to WANTING to live. I hate feeling so pathetic. And I am not the kind of person that ever wants to take anything for granted. I have a graditude journal I keep and every day I write all the things I am blessed with, and thankful for. I guess what I am saying is I don't want to sound like a whiny bitch who thinks life is "so terrible" because I don't think life is terrible. I feel it's a wonderful gift and I am just struggling with trying to live with all the darkness inside my head, my heart and my soul. I just want to have a day with no pain, no dread, no fear, no anxiety, but I realize that it's not going to happen. So I have to keep grounded somehow, to survive and keep my sanity, especially for my child.

I am very thankful for this platform as well. And for all the kindness and understanding I have received here. God bless each and every one of you who is also suffering, I feel your pain, You are not alone!!!!!

[lofi_cat]

I'm so sorry for your loss - so painful. I hope you find peace. Keep trying.

I've been in that same cycle, trying new meds and constantly having to adjust or add new ones when they stopped working. Hopefully you'll find what works for you. For me, at some point, I just stopped with the meds in frustration. I'm working on other ways of coping: meditating, journaling, long walks, better nutrition, trying to connect with people more. I figure all of these things would be important even WITH meds... you've got the right idea with the gratitude journal. (But I do hope you find the right meds as well.)