I haven't been on here in a while, it seems a couple of weeks, but I went down into a spiral, and I couldn't even cope with going outside, so I shut myself down and tried to reboot.
It was the 4 year anniversary of my loves suicide. I grieve in a different way, I get so very sad, then angry. I hate him, and I love him. I miss him. And I feel lost without him. I have this constant feeling of "dread". I dread trying to sleep, because I usually can't, or if I do, I dread the dreams that are like a plague. I dread the mornings, waking up in both physical and emotional pain. I dread the day ahead, I usually drink 3 cups of coffee very quickly with xanax and a pain med. For about an hour and a half I feel ok, and then it all starts over again.
I'm on an antidepressant, been on all of them over the years, and I'm lucky if one will help maybe 35% for 6 months, then poof...it's then switching meds, to try and get myself normalized, back to WANTING to live. I hate feeling so pathetic. And I am not the kind of person that ever wants to take anything for granted. I have a graditude journal I keep and every day I write all the things I am blessed with, and thankful for. I guess what I am saying is I don't want to sound like a whiny bitch who thinks life is "so terrible" because I don't think life is terrible. I feel it's a wonderful gift and I am just struggling with trying to live with all the darkness inside my head, my heart and my soul. I just want to have a day with no pain, no dread, no fear, no anxiety, but I realize that it's not going to happen. So I have to keep grounded somehow, to survive and keep my sanity, especially for my child.
I am very thankful for this platform as well. And for all the kindness and understanding I have received here. God bless each and every one of you who is also suffering, I feel your pain, You are not alone!!!!!
Existential dread? 
That dreaded time of year
now dreading the mornings 
When will this feeling of dread end?
