What depression is to me

[Hopelessly]

It's like an endless tunnel, you see that you are moving, you can run until your panting but at the end of the day your no closer to the end. This light that taunts you and makes you think you can make it. That this is where happiness lives since this is where you can be free of worries. Like it saying to you "Just a little bit more and I'm here come find me", but it never allows you to grab the light. And you are just stuck watching it mocking you. Till it gets smaller and smaller and your left standing int the abyss.

That it leaves you feeling of compete numbness, but also utter despair. Nothing good will happen again that there is no bright light. I try to be the bright light , I try to make everyone else happy, while I'm dying inside. I try to let it go, to not hold on to this darkness but I can't. It follows me everywhere, it watches my every move. It waits until I feel a bit of happiness likeaybe I'm okay and then it crashes in to me. And in that moment for that split second I can't fake it. My smile faulters my eyes give away the true pain I am in. And then like it horribly wrong to feel that way I pull up the mask again. I fake my smile, my laugh, and try to look interested in what's going on. But honestly I rather just disappear, be anywhere but there. I do not know what I'm loving for what is my purpose.

The feeling of compete numbness, but also utter despair. Nothing good will happen again that there is no bright light. I try to be the bright light , I try to make everyone else happy, while I'm dying inside. I try to let it go, to not hold on to this darkness but I can't. It follows me everywhere, it wat he's my every move. It waits until I feel a bit of happiness likeaybe I'm okay and then it crashes in to me. And in that moment for that sit second I can't fake it. My smile faulters my eyes give away the true pain I am in. And then like it horribly wrong to feel that way I pull up the mask again. I fake my smile, my laugh, and try to look interested in what's going on. But honestly I rather just disappear, be anywhere but there. I do not know what I'm loving for what is my purpose.

It's like fight a battle with an invisible enemy it's battling an enemy who can turn into smoke, so we can grab it throw it away from ourselves. Is a mist that slowly washes over us and taints us. Because that what it feels like. It's an unwanted partner that we can't let go. Having a hurricane on the inside and projecting calm seas on the outside. It's screaming for help only it's coming out in a whisper.

What is real happiness does anyone know. Or do we see someone and we perceive them as being happy when in reality they watched someone else. Is it really a thing or something we were taught to believe it's real. Is anyone ever truly happy or are we all reaching for a goal so far out there that can never be reached. And if that is true than how can we know when something makes us really happy or just content. Does it give a little comfort and habit but we say it brings us happiness. Is it true happiness or is something we could let go of when at are low. Is there something wrong with everyone and we all pretend or are there the lucky ones who don't have anything wrong.

[Hidden]

Thank You for sharing your deep thoughts.

[Hopelessly in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for taking the time to read it

[Hidden in reply to Hopelessly]

It was worth it. Very deep and expressive. i get what you shared and even more how you shared it. words are wonderful at being a witness to what is inside of us.

[Hopelessly in reply to Hidden]

I wanted way to try and show what's it like make it where someone can see or grasps a concept of what depression is like if they don't have it. But also to help relate to others maybe be able to put in words what they couldn't, let them know what they feeling that are not the only ones.

[Hidden in reply to Hopelessly]

I think that is such a brilliant idea. I think it may help too. I hope cause its so hard when people cant understand even a little

[Hopelessly in reply to Hidden]

That is one of the hardest things trying to get people to grasps what it's like or evening explaining to your doctor. And happinesses bit was for others not to get discourage if they are at the level people say they should be. Who knows the true way of happiness and what it feels like it can be different for everyone, so the same ways to achieve it would be different too.