It seems my will means nothing to reality. I keep turning into my worst enemy. This is deep rooted and keeps turning out to be true.
How can I sleep a good night’s sleep?
How can I enforce my own will against myself and my mind/(serious) depression?
Where does one go to find willpower?
How can I muster some?
Please help.
Hello casual nihilist, I too have struggled with anxiety and depression for years. I can surely say that it is not as hopeless as it seems. Even deep rooted enmity against oneself can be cast aside for joy and contentment. And fall asleep as casually as strolling into a beautiful garden. If your depression is caused by nothing specific, then your case would be much like mine. Little by little we can replace depression by peace. In the meantime, just breathe..
Hi Casual.......I could have written your post. You took the words right out of my mouth. Been there....recently. Know that beating yourself up is part and parcel of depression. What we can try to minimize or eliminate, however, is beating ourselves up because we're beating ourselves up. That has been a big problem for me. It is very old stuff in my case. I know it's easy to say (and very hard to do, at least for me) but self-compassion helps a great deal. And you deserve it for hanging in through immense pain. You HAVE willpower already. As for sleep, I have been dealing with chronic insomnia for a year. Insomnia makes depression worse and depression makes insomnia worse. What I'm finding is that if I just let t be and don't freak out about it I sleep a bit better. Finally, my depression comes with a bonus of anxiety....what a lovely combination. Do you have that too? Also, it is essential that you get some help with this from a therapist if you're not already doing so. You will get through this even if you don't believe that you will 
Stuck
Slowly losing faith again…
Tension headaches 
Struggling with medication
