Stuck inside the house with a toxic father

[sadwaffle]

TW: Abuse

I'm posting here again. I got better, well better from what I was before. I don't cut anymore, but still think about it every now and then, especially when I'm angry. That's cause I'm impulsive. Anyway, I'm considering on leaving the house and staying at my grandparents.

It's so hard to have so much patience, to be considered a "good daughter" when your own father is acting childish, is narcissistic, egotistical, immature, and have anger issues and tend to be very aggressive when angry. I mean, how do you expect me to respect this kind of person just because he's older than me and is my father?! I'm trying so hard not swear right now. That's not how family should work, I shouldn't feel obligated to respect him just bc he's my father.

In the past he did physically abused me(stomped on me, he punched my brother etc) and my mother back when I was in 9th grade. He did it when he was drunk or just very angry. In time, he doesn't do it anymore. Doesn't mean he's not verbally abusing us(me and my brother) though. He's just so toxic I'm getting tired of it, it's draining me. He once even discouraged me about my ability/talent. Which I'm pretty sure he doesn't remember anymore. Because that's how abuse work, the abuser couldn't (or won't) remember his faults, because he's not the one who got affected by it, he's not the one who got hurt. Recently he throw a small but hard object(i didn't see what it was) at me, fortunately it didn't hit me.

The worst thing is, sometimes when I talked back at him and say something hurtful, I still feel guilty, I still feel bad. Even though that's far from what he'd done to me/us. He is a bad person, he's so closed-minded and egotistical that he can't see his own flaws, and when we(me and my mother) talk to him about it, about changing, he just brush it off as if he's not doing anything wrong, which is so asshole-thing to do. But at times, I remember his good deeds. Not much but they're there.

And the other thing that makes me even angrier, is that the way he interact with other people, other than me and my brother, is like he's a normal, decent person. Like he's being a jerk to us on purpose.

So yeah, came here to just vent about it, hoping it'll make me feel a lil better.

[Ladybug9]

Vent whenever you need to! And going to your grandparents sounds like a great idea! I'm so happy to hear that you aren't cutting anymore and proud of you for having such good control over your need to cut. You and your body deserve better than that!

[ptpablo]

people uaually take stuff out on those closest to them but everyone else gets respect and manners. id hate to say it but ur father will spend his last days as a grumpy old man alone sumwhere. seems like hes steady pushing everyone away. and even though u feel guilty feeding him his own medicine now, everybody has their limits, and u.will reach urs and walk away like he wants u to. sumtimes wen im not feeling good, i dnt want nobody around. i think thats how grumpy old men are made. my grandfather was king of the grumpy old men. i have a 7 year old daughter n i am her doormat. but i think she only does wat she has seen orgees do and that is treat me with no respect. the kid loves me i can feel it n i hope that sum day, wen she learns wat respect is, we will have the perfect father/daughter relationship. i knw ive taught her how id like to b treated by treating her n everyone around me with respect. i just hope i wont b a grumpy.old man wen her eyes open. parent/chikdis one of the strongest most beautiful bonds in the universe n should b cherished. but i cannotb one sided. i knw if the disrespect continues as she gets older i will walk away, limits. im giving her time to mature a little n im staying hopeful. bcause i love my kids.