How do I help my 26 year old daughter with severe anxiety when we cannot afford help. She smokes and drinks and I think it makes things worse but she does not
Aniety help: How do I help my 26 year... - Anxiety and Depre...
Aniety help
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judiama
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The best you can do is to communicate with her and let her know you are standing beside her...BUT, she has to want the support. Especially with family, we think we can "save" them or change them. She has to want the help before you can begin the journey with her. Please let us know how you are doing and know we are here to support you.
She does not want my help, just with money but she thinks I don't get it. She spends most of her day sleeping or talking with her internet friends and I don't say anything but this is not good for her. They try to analyze each other and have tried to stop other friends who say they want to commit suicide. I tell her she needs to get on the other phone give a suicide hotline the number and let them handle it. One last week and one yesterday it just goes on and on. She thinks I just don't get it. She has had some really bad things happen like losing her fiancee to a texting driver who ran a red light and hit him. He was an amazing young man and I miss him every day! I do understand more than she thinks I was my Mother's helper for five years while she battled, then died of cancer. She will not let me in at all and you can see it is me here not her. If I tell her I did this she will get angry that I did it without telling her but she won't do this as I am wrong and I should not have done it...but I do appreciate the support that has come so quickly
There can't be anything harder than to be a parent with a child who thinks we don't know anything and they know it all... The internet can be very unhealthy. My therapist told me to stay off of Facebook and to only watch 30 minutes of my local news a day. I worry that she is becoming too dependent on the internet and people she knows nothing about. Social media can be a wonderful thing, but it can also be a dangerous place for the young, especially.
Would she be willing to go to counseling together or is that definitely out of the question? It wouldn't hurt to ask. She is definitely self medicating and until you are able to get to the bottom of what she is trying to escape from, your journey is going to be long and very hard on you. I'm truly worried about you as well. I'm here anytime you need to talk or vent!
I do know part of what she is getting away from When she was9 her fiancee was hit by a driver who was texting and killed. Seeing her walk out of that hospital with empty hands so hard and I loved Dev and still miss him so I can see she is. She kind of held it together for a while, even had a real boyfriend that I considered part of our family. Then we had a tornado rip through our neighborhood, they never happen here two in my lifetime and I am 62. I went outside just after and was helping to clean up and I landed on my butt with my knee under a branch and it broke. I ended up havin three surgeries, six months on a walker and basically no life. It affectected her so much she spent at least a month walking around the block and nothing else. We are not in a position to afford therapy because she is no longer on her dad's insurance. Yes, we have tried it all disability, medicaid even sliding scale. We simply cannot afford it and the ones that could help wecannot get. So for now, meds and not much else. Her only contact is internet Her boyfriend Milo wanted to move forward and she could not. He tried to be her friend but hasa new girlfriend that Christina scares because she sees how Milo looks at Christina. I am trying but am not going to be here forever. I will do what I can as long as I can.
That had to be so devestating for her! It sounds like you need to just slowly peel her back a layer at a time and be patient!
Ladybug...I do so love the name! My Celery's Grammy used to associate her with all things ladybug when shewas little, the bug part especially was right we spent many hours on walks looking at every bug, spidey and flower! I do love this kid and she was 19 when her fiancee died not 9 I think I need a new keyboard. I try, she has the biggest heart and it hurts when I see it break. She knows I love her and I miss seeing her love the world, all of it like when she was younger,,friends, rainbows, puddle jumping after a storm and spending hours by the river. She still loves animals in fact she has three cats one that she and her "My Dev" raised from a kitten. We are getting the Runtlett certified as a service animal. He think he is half human and isa big part of why she is still here. She knows he needs her and he knows how to help. When she cries or is upset he is right there. When I was using the walkerhe would get right in front of it and lead the way to where I was going. I am so grateful she and we have him! People still love Christina, she has many friends along her walking to the park way. She often looks kind of rough she doesn't always comb her hair and almost never dresses fancy but they see her used to hug her before all of this pandemic stuff and give her things on holidays and she loves making her cookies for them so I know the loving kid shewas is still in there and people see that. And I can wait and help her get back to that place. And thank you, you are great!
Where are you located?? Most states offer a free clinic with all specialties. Here in WV we have Health Right. Funded by grants, the states, and private donations. Everything is free. Dr. Appointments, meds, dental care.....check into it!
Free? no. And almost everyone has suggested state run clinics...not qualified....sliding scale therapy, she actually was offered a discount of $5.00 off a week...she has zero income. Over and over everything is based on her Dad's income. She is26 and can no longer use his benefits, benefits we have actually paid an arm and a leg for. She is indigent but until we thow herout on the street she qualifies for nothing. She was turned down for disability even though she can't leave the house when it is storming or the wind is blowing. What does it take here? Paying a lot of money to a lawyer to tell people they are wrong and no doubt they would win that case but at who's expense. There is no reason for any of their decisions but that doesn't make them go away. Trust me we have tried it all and the worst part is it is making her feel like nothin and that she doesn't deserve help
I just want her to know that no matter what this is home and she has it...one less thing to worry about. She is loved more than she knows and every now and then I send her a text to tell her. She is safe here and that removes some anxiety
I felt so sorry when I read your post and know how helpless you must feel. As 'Ladybug9' said all you can do is support her which is so important so she feels she is not alone with her problem. Perhaps she could have a chat with her GP even if it's only over the phone at the moment. You are doing your best for her, I wish I could think of another way to help. Thinking of you.
Her GP has been a lifesaver working to find meds she can use as anti depressants give her seizures...very scary! He can only help so much and it breaks my heart every day that we cannot afford the help she needs. I made her an appointment just before she lost her insurance and she didn't go. We do not qualify for medicaid even though we live well below the "poverty" level and they won't base it on her income which is zero. Every day I think I just need to get through today but it isn't working she screams at me for everything. I can't do this for much longer. I just do not know how to help and as you can see it is me reaching out for help not her
I see you live in the United States Judiama, so medical help is based around insurance etc. You are facing a monumental struggle and are feeling so helpless. I have read through all you have written and I note that your daughter is on a medication which contains Gabapentin. I was given this as a pain killer and after reading through the side effects I decided not to take it as it can make you feel depressed so not a good medication to be taking. I have also known other people using this drug and they have all felt so down and depressed. I really don't know what to suggest, I wish I could help more. I also nursed by elderly Mum for over 5 years and know what it's like to try and get help when there seems none available. Reach out to whoever you can. I wish you good luck. Thinking of you and hope somehow you are able to get some help for your daughter.
Thank you for your support...sometimes that is what i need, to know that there are folks that understand. For Christina the gabapentin is a must. She has seizures and they are more frightening than any drug. gabapentin has controlled them and control is necessary because she goes to a park here and spends time out there. She mostly stays within a two mile radius of our home but she needs her time out. The recent pandemic closed our parks for awhile and it was tough. She was so happy to get back there. there are folks who live around the park..they know her and love her and she feels safe I am so grateful for that. The reason we had to stop her seizures was when she had one and hit her head on the sidewalk and broke it open. the paramedics came and they know her from previous seizures she had around the house. they took really good care calming her down and came and I was able to get to her and help her through. Seizures are serious and we just cannot let her have them. there are times the cure is worse than the disease not this time! Thank you for your concern it is so appreciated!
Thank you for your message Judiama. Yes, when going through difficult times we really do need support to get through things. You are having such a tough time of it but you are doing the very best you can for your daughter and that's all you can do. If you keep loving and caring for her you will get through somehow. I know how much Health Unlocked has helped me through the most of difficult times with so many lovely people responding to me and it made me feel as though I wasn't so alone with my problems. I have had lots of health problems and at times have been worried sick but have had great support from so many super kind people who come forward with kind words of encouragement and it does lift your spirits to know that we are not alone and that other people really do feel for you and care. If Christina has seizures that she had to keep taking the medication prescribed for her of course. I do hope life picks up a bit for your all and perhaps you will be able to find some help from somewhere unexpected. I used to find when I came to the end of my tether looking after my Mum and after all her suffering and mine, that something came along out of the blue to help. I had a roller coaster ride of caring 24 hours a day 7 days a week intensely for over 5 years. No help was available and when she was taken into hospital she was really badly ill treated also in two care homes so I had to rescue her each time (actually more or less kidnap her) to get her out and save her but it took a terrible toll on me so I understand your desperation and frustration of not being able to get any help. Take care Judiama and I will remember you in my prayers......
There are many, many counseling centers that offer sliding scale fees for their services. My therapist charged me only $5 per session when I was laid off several years ago. There are also crisis hotlines that can be really helpful when in the middle of a horrible panic. Just type in the name of your location and add mental health resources into Google.
Yes I have tried that but even they base it on her Dad's income as she has none and with covid and time not working it just cannot be handled right now...we are barely getting by. It troubles me that they make it so she cannot be covered by her Dad's insurance because of her age but everything is based on his income not hers. Sliding scale sounds good but even that is too much and I am sorry we are in this position. It is however that we are
Alcohol and cigarettes will definitely make anxiety worse. People use both to calm them down but it won’t help. She will need to figure that out on her own. People don’t listen. Hopefully she does.
I am so afraid for her right now. I got up last night because her cat was crying to go outside, the bathroom door was closed.I knocked there was no answer, I knocked harder, no answer so I opened the door she was sitting on the floor and did not move. I kept speaking and finally she looked up and said, I'm drunk. I put her to bed. I did not even know she had gotten the alcohol. I want to take away her ability to buy alcohol, her Dad and I are her support, but this makes me nervous. Her responce could be very bad.
I have to let you know...she was taking her neurontin erratically and she was not drunk she had a seizure. Her shot term memory is always affected and it scares me right now because I knew she did not take it so she could drink with her internet friends so now I am going to have to takeaway her ability to purchase the alcohol this is not going to be easy but seizures are scary and dangerous and I can't let that happen. Thank you so much for your reply and support and I hope I can help in some way
I'm sorry your going through this. I do have a couple of suggestions. Eith her being 26, she's no longer a dependent so her father's income should not come into play. In fact, if she is living with parents at 26 eith no job she is considered homeless and unemployed. She would most likely qualify for Medicaid and a whole host of assistance.
Next, I feel that you need help first. It sounds as if your slipping into the role as codependent. On a plane you're told to put on your face mask first then assist others, it applies to your situation.
I get your daughters refusal for help, I was the same way before I recognized I had a problem with anxiety and depression. I still believe that if you've never been there, you don't understand. However, I've learned to except the help.
Lastly, one of the hundreds of things found in cigarettes is antidepressants, it's probably why she smokes so much. Unfortunately, alcohol tends to be a depressant and that needs to stop.
You are so right! Unfortunately we have tried not only to get medicaid but social security and denied both. They do base it on her Dad's income and even the insurance that we do have for her as bad as it is the payment we make is based on her Dad's income. I really have tried. I have health issues and every day I worry about what will happen when i die. Her Dad will take care of her but she is in an on and off place with him...not really comfortable. Her Dad has a great life insurance that she will get but I don't know if she will make it there. Thank you so much for listening!
Would it be worth removing her from his insurance so she's no longer a dependent? And why is her father's income coming into play?
She was removed from her father's insurance the day she turned 26...they did it. Everything I fill out asks where she lives and then it is her father's income they base it on. Even the lousy insurance she has did. He claims her as a dependent on his income tax, but nothing happen because of that. Everyone is saying she should be considered as homeless and unemployed. I must be doing something wrong she cannot get medicaid and she as turned down by social security. there are days she won't leave the house and days she just curls up into a tight ball when the wind blows or there is a storm. If that is not a disability I don't know what is. We have tried everything it doesn't work and I can't have her feeling like she has nowhere to go...that would make me a horrible person as well as make her even worse
Her father claiming her might be the catch on the assistance situation.
I have a suggestion for you. Call a couple if friends who know how to make you laugh and invite them out to dinner with you. Make a pact not to discuss kids that night and have fun! You sound like you deserve me time!
That is one thing I had not thought of but it doesn't chamge anything we certainly don't money back or anything for her anymore...her age. Second she isn't a kid and my school friends did get together once a month and we rarely discussed kids. I went when I could but my health limits me...yes I am old. When I think of it I never sawaquestion on any form about claiming her on income tax, just where she lives and I will kick her out. Anyway covid put even more restrictions on getting together. Most places here are still not opened. But thank you for being there, it isappreciated!
Get help for yourself. Like many have pointed out, unless she wants (and asks for) help, you can’t change her. My daughter is 53 now and I have gone through many years of worry and anguish watching her suffer. But I got help for myself through Alanon and therapy. Good luck to you.
I am no expert and can't give advice on this matter, but I think you are eligible for Medicaid based on the facts you describe. I think you should get in touch social service in your area and see if they can help. I empathize with your problem and know how hard it is to get someone to get help. Please know others are hoping you can work this out somehow.
We have tried it all even disability which by all account she should be eligible for as she cannot! work. Lots of people think she should quailify because she really is technically indigent but we have been turned down for all! There are so many saying we should qualify so maybe I have done something wrong. So for now, help is basically her meds and it is not enough. We would have to put her out on the street for her to qualify and I can't do that.
I believe there are lawyers that specialize in this issue. I think the local legal aid office should be able to help.
I kind of doubt that every other agency has turnes us down. Lawyers take so much but I might have to go that way and it should be paid from the first time they turned her down at least a couple of years ago. My husbands work has a lawyer you can use without charge for a few visits..it should not take more than that. We are looking into that. I have lost faith in almost all agencies here. She is indigent she needs help and they do not even acknowledge that
as you describe the situation, I am almost positive that the legal approach will work, although it may take a little time. That's why lawyers are called advocates.
Good Luck!!
Thank you my little friend...I have received so much support. Thinkin o you!
I believe you are right. My husbands work has a lawyer and counselor that we can talk to a few times for free. My little sweetheart needs to get the help she needs. It is so hard to watch because everyone she meets just loves her and I am so grateful...but she doesn't see it as people loving her she sees it but does not get it. I am talking with lawyer and the counselor next week. We have the same GP and I am talking to him a week from Monday. I hope that very soon I can get her to come to this site and meet all of you wonderful people. Then I will be happy because that is all I need is to see her happy
I agree with Ladydug9, I have 4 Daughters eldest 56, she has had anorexia since she was 18,. She has a wonderful Husband but I have spent my life trying to help her, she is now an alcoholic despite her husbands support.
Now I just pray !! Will pray for you. 🙏🌈
I have a 20 yr old daughter who smokes weed. She says it's to help with her anxiety. I've tried to tell her to go to the Dr. for meds, but she won't. I am searching answers to this myself. It further deteriorates my depression and anxiety. I just kicked her out, because she just got fired from yet another job. I just don't know how to help her at this point.
1OshunDreamer in reply to
I'm sorry to hear that. I married young and my ex husband smoked a lot. Being young and dumb I thought it was fine because he said it was. I begged him to quit and about 5 years in to the marriage he said he did. 10 years in he admitted he lied and was still smoking. Basically it never stopped.
He suffered from major depression and anxiety, he said it made him feel better. I believe in CBD whole heartedly because I think it does help, they just don't need that THC.
in reply to
Hi, I have similar issues with my daughter. Is there a NAMI near you that you could reach out to for help? They have information about resources in the community for your daughter. Also, Al-Anon might be good to look into. It seems like a cultural phenomenon that so many adult children are taking this road right now. I knew my daughter did it when she was living at home, but I was so terrified of her high risk behavior I just couldn't quite kick her out though I often threatened too. You can't control her or her behavior, it isn't in the cards. I just keep trying to show her that I love her without letting her walk all over me, which she does try to do at every turn. But remember that essentially she is sick and struggling with things that are nearly beyond her control too. She needs love and support and so do you. As I have been online this week, I am seeing how important it is for me to try to get healing for myself, and reach out of my comfort zone for new ways to feel better. Are there any things that you like to do, like hobbies or crafts or interests that you have let go because of the depression and anxiety? Is there anything you have always wanted to do but never allowed yourself to look into before? I like to journal and have started to make lists of things I would like to do or see, or try. Keep sharing, we can all be here for each other during these very hard times; very lonely and scary times. Hugs
judiama in reply to
Thank you! You have a lot on your plate and I care! I have some depression but no anxiety. My lack of fear is what got me to where I am. Went out right after a tornado and boke my knee and had a spine bleed...many months of therapy and backs never heal right. If it wouldn't have killed me or paralyze me I never would have done it. Of course the knee I would have anyway. I have always been a quick healer but not this time. I am considering a spinal block but I don't know how my Doc will feel about this. I just feel I need to focus on my daughter. She will never go to alanon and I don't drink never saw the point. I will continue to ty to keep her safe and knowing she has somewhere to go but my hands are basically tied. What is NAMI? I haven't heard os it. Sending you thoughts and hugs!
Hi Judiama, my daughter is 29. She has had a lot of trauma in her life, and I have always tried to be patient with her but firm. She struggles with multiple issues. She moved out three years ago to live with a boyfriend but it didn't work out. She was devastated, but still working full time and paying her bills. I tried to help her as much as I could but she is very rude to me, and takes out her pain on me so I have to keep my distance somewhat. She also tries to take advantage of me financially, and is very punishing when I don't jump in to help her. I have really tried to discourage this behavior, but it is a fine line to walk. Yesterday, she called me out of the blue after several really rough weeks she had had and told me she wasn't feeling well and had to get a covid test. She said she had "messed up" and gone out to bars and ridden around two nights in an uber with friends because she "Just couldn't take it anymore." I love her so much, with all my heart, and it sounds like you love your daughter too like this. I feel as helpless as you might perhaps feel, as terrified for my daughter and sad because I wanted so much more for her in life. I cannot live my daughter's life for her though, I cannot. But I only have one daughter. She is precious and irreplaceable to me, no matter what. You sound like a wise and loving Mother, hang in there and know that you are not alone, so many of us are in similar situations. Prayers for you and your family.
judiama in reply to
Thank you ! your support means so much. And you can't see me but I am right there with you and I know you are doing your best. You are right I cannot live her life but I have cried with her when her fiancee died at 19. I know I caused her anxieties to get worse when I went outside right after a tonado ( which we don't really have here, only two in my lifetime), and i am still trying not to let her know when I hurt because it isn't her fault. My daughter is 26 no longer eligible fo her dad's insurance and lives at home. We try but this is a huge struggle because we have tried disablity, medicaid and even sliding scale therapy but they all base help on her dad's income...which we pay our bills, buy food and a place to live but little else. She arely goes outside a two mile radius and spends mostof her time in "VR" land because she doesn't do well with friends here. She has always been a loving caring kid and anyone she met before her fiancee died, knew what they meant to her but she is too afraid to get back to that because she "might" lose them. I try...we found away to get her meds that isless than insurance ever was but i have to make sure she takes them. This weekend I had to tell her no partying with alcohol with her friends because she skipped her meds too many days and I am now in the doghouse. Wesuppot her financially she cannot work because of her anxieties and he just doesn't get that we don't have a lot of money. I do love my dauhter and yes she isalso the only child so wehave so much in common. I would love to hear from you again. I careand I also thank you for your support!
Hi Judiama! I hope you had a peaceful Sunday. I got my feelings hurt by my daughter because I bought her a washer last week and she was being nice and talking to me until right after I paid for it. Then once she got the test results back that she is Covid free (Yay!) for the moment, she didn't bother to return my texts at all. I know she was home and ok because I saw her posting friends on facebook. Sigh. I had insomnia last night until 4:00 a.m. and woke up at 8:00 a.m. but am determined today to focus on things that will help not drag me back into the depressed "swirling around the drain" that has become my lifestyle-yuck! There are so many things I would have liked to do with my children as adults but the fun never came, even though I love them desperately. The mental health issues and learning disability, plus family trauma from divorce etc. has made it impossible for me to enjoy things with them because they don't like the things I do which don't involve either playing video games or an addict lifestyle. I am just not included except when they need something and they are the only family that I have. So, last night while I was up I decided that I was going to plan some holiday things that I liked to do and make some decorations even if it was just for me to enjoy. I also am trying to start a ladies walking group to get out of the house and get some exercise (safety in numbers!). I am committing to doing at least three new things a week that might help me build a new life and feel better, even if it is just something small and cheap like learn how to make paper roses out of newspaper. I love to garden too, and cook but the depression has left me too tired to do much of that. I think the thing that is missing the most is positive social interaction with healthy, kind people. Thank you for your words! I will be thinking of you and Ladybug, and keeping you and your families in my prayers. Let's all keep sharing!
judiama in reply to
I am so sorry for all you go through and will keep sending positive thoughts and prayers to you. My daughter is the sameway whenever I spend money on her she is great fo a couple od days then it fades. She say I don' reach out to her but there is not a day goes by that I don't let her know she is loved. Keep doing the things you can andknow I am thinking of you!
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