Going through the motions.

[Vonja]

Hi, I am new here, and I just feel I need to talk. I do not know how to tell people I actually know that I think my Depression is back. And that is the other part I feel miserable but I feel if I should show it that I am weak, or that everyone is just going to say it will pass, it is just stress. And I know stress is a big factor. But it is not the only factor. Some days I feel great, and I question why I felt so depressed. And then it just sneaks up again and I feel like I am drowning again.

This started when I was very young (a lot of factors at that stage, lived with an abusive step-dad, with the signature molestation scenario, Teen hormones what what what) So a few abnormalities but after it was dealt with, pretty standard teenage years.

Except I could never cope with stress, the slightest bit of stress would send me into anxiety attacks, and I would be depressed again. My mother had me see a psychiatrist after we got out of that house. I was put on pills and stuff. At 18 I decided no more pills, I was numb throughout my whole high school years and was sick of it. I went cold turkey, and for 2 years after that I almost felt like I was high all the time, it felt like I was feeling for the first time, everything was intense and explosive in a sense.

Things got difficult at home, I was more expensive and voiced my feelings when I felt my parents were being abusive (My mother remarried and her alcoholism got worse. The new stepdad was great but he only fueled the addiction), they tend to be more aggressive towards my younger brother, maybe because I was a living zombie so I never really stepped out of line before I stopped the pills. There were fights and pretty soon I felt hopeless again but it presented itself in self-destructive behavior. I worked in a bar at that stage so I think most can imagine the things I got into. And I felt if I should die I would be fine with it, there was nothing keeping me here.

I got another job after a while, and was involved with an older man, he was into everything bad but at the same time, I felt save, I could express every feeling, every deed. He did not care and he fed my impulsive actions. But, I started feeling more for him, he found out, and I left. (A very good decision BTW).

I hanged with a group of mine, I was never home, except to sleep. I paid rent and me and my parents stayed out of each other faces. I had a good friend since high school, we dated at one stage but it did not work, we remained very good friends and through him, I met my husband. And he is the best I could ask for, he took my crap and broke through. I did not let anyone close to me, I was mean, sarcastic, and did everything I could just to keep everyone away. He took it all. And for the longest time, I felt happy. The depression lurked around, some days it would surface but I learned to hide it. I did not want him to see that. He made it through his own shit and he genuinely seemed happy so I figured I could do that as well. And I did not want him to worry. I still feel the same way.

I tried taking the pills for a while about 2 years ago, but not feeling, especially when you feel good again. It just causes an avalanche of feelings waiting to assault me the day it catches up.

So I am taking it when it comes and relieved when it goes. But when it is here, I feel like hurting myself (it was a habit), and yeah except for not wanting to do it, I do not want to explain a cut. I feel hopeless, I am annoyed, angry, frustrated. I am tired all the time, sleeping is a luxury. I eat, but not because I myself feel hungry, but because I need to if I want to be healthy. And I have no idea what to do with myself, like non. It is like sitting in an empty room with the person you want to talk to the least. And I don't want to do anything, I do not have any motivation what so ever. If I could skip work, I would have. But also something I need.

Maybe typing my feelings and sharing my story will help? I don't know.

[blackcat64013]

Hi👋, I thank you for your post🙂

A lengthy post can be good for the release of tension built up. I am thinking you might be a writer so I am suggesting journaling as a coping strategy. You don't have to take up journaling every day but it's an option and cheaper than seeing a therapist weekly. Having said this, professional helpers are able to help you address the issues causing grief in a safe confidential environment.

We are guaranteed to be here for you anytime.

[lawdog]

Hello, and first want to say how well you are handling your depression/anxiety at the moment. Believe it is rather important to stay in the moment and not let the past jump upon you too. Yes, I believe a diary and writing does help. It is safe, and permits you to dump the feelings you are experiencing on to the pages, a bit of a safety valve.

You are still working and don't you think that helps too? I know you wrote you don't want to do that, but pat yourself n the ack FOR doing that. So many people are unemployed due to the virus; it is good to hear you are still working. Know you feel like you are alone, but you are not. We are here. Please keep the help hotline number with you if you find your really just need to hear a human voice to explain how you are feeling. Don't over think how or why you are feeling like this. Perhaps it is time to seek out a support group that is still together, but meet where there is social distancing. Really just take the day one hour at a time, or minute by minute if needed. If there is a professional in your life, perhaps it is time to contact that person...or time to find a therapist to help. I hope the rest of this day is better than the last one.