Trauma from my Abusive relationship lives with me forever

[Theloudone]

Sometimes I miss the beatings my X-boyfriend gave me because I feel like I deserve it

[kenster1]

hi not at all no man or woman deserves a beating from a so called loving partner.I would rather live my life alone forever than be in an abusive relationship.

[Hidden]

No-one should accept a good beating, that is wrong and your X-boyfriend could be arrested.

Why do you feel the need to be beaten this can cause mental illness and feelings of worthlessness. If this continues report him to the police. Talk to your Doctor and explain what is going on you may need to be removed to a place of Safety.

Does this Animal keep returning to you or has He moved on

BOB

[Theloudone in reply to Hidden]

I should clarify I am safe now. This relationship ended over 11 years ago. I have not had contact with him since- while I never pressed charges or filed a restraining order- he was arrested on something else and I haven’t heard from him since.

I haven’t done self harm in about 12 years but the mental struggles I’m going through make me want to do it again. Or have someone else do it to me

[Theloudone in reply to Theloudone]

And I’m not going backwards, I’m going forwards. But these thoughts are here. And I had to get them out.

Since the one person I confide in everything died last month- I don’t know where to turn. So I turned to this site.

[Hidden in reply to Theloudone]

I told you, let it out. All of it!!! The biggest best hugs to you!!!

[Theloudone in reply to Hidden]

Thank you !

[SongAndSoul]

I would like to help you learn about “Trauma Bonding.”

I have some good resources.

Please comment or message me if you are interested.

You know these feelings are not healthy but what you can “feel” you also “heal. 🌻

[Theloudone in reply to SongAndSoul]

Thank you, sure- I’ll check them out

[SongAndSoul in reply to Theloudone]

Do you have access to YouTube?

1) Search: Dr. Ramani Trauma Bonding

2) Search: Dr. Grande Trauma Bonding

3) Search; Dr. Daniel Fox Complex PTSD

[PNIAuthor60]

Sadly, I understand to some degree and it is painful admitting it here. I too use to miss my abusive partner for the same reason without realizing at the time that my own thoughts about my value as a woman were seriously distorted by experiences of childhood and deeply rooted shame and very low self esteem.

Then I began educating myself on how trauma, abuse and neglect impact a person's brain and overall health. It was hard in the beginning and I cried a lot but what I've learned about myself has been liberating and given me a healthier lens through which I can see the world and my relationships.

I'm glad to hear you are not going backwards but simply acknowledging some painful realizations as you continue to move forward. It's something called " mourning" which is giving voice to the grief of realization as our path unfolds.

I sometimes feeling like I am unravelling within myself as so much comes to light that I never understood before, giving myself an opportunity to gaze at myself with new eyes and a fascination about who I've always been beneath all the heartache. I am learning to be my own best friend. I wish that for you, too

[Theloudone in reply to PNIAuthor60]

Thank you very much.

I have had two years of impatient rehab, and countless years of one of one therapy.

When I am in a healthy state of mind- I can see more clearly who I am but when the cloud of depression lurks over me, I am faced with intense self low self esteem and hatred caused by shame.

Thank you- I want to become my own best friend too.

Loving myself is the hardest thing I’ve had to do- and some of the time I can’t find a reason to.

[PNIAuthor60 in reply to Theloudone]

I understand that. I also remember reading that the person you use to confide in is no longer available to you, so that has to be hard because you would have had a deep level of trust with that person. Is there anyone else you could begin to trust in the same way?

I'm glad you came to this site and felt comfortable enough to be transparent.

Take care and come back as often as you might need to - it is a wonderful place to visit.

[Hidden]

I also understand how where you are and how you feel. I was in relationship with a man who was ‘emotionally and mentally controlling which eventually turned to physical where I could then get the police to arrest him and eventually physically he was removed from my life by restraining order and non molestation order but still trying to use control tactics. I was told he he had a narcissistic personality.

When Im at lowest i just want to reach out for him to return as I think we just get used to ‘the behaviour mode’. I having been watching some vids by a person who went through an abusive relationship with narcissistic personality and now counselling and it was as if she wrote my story. It may be good to watch her vids as she explains why you feel the way and tools to prevent you falling back in the repeat pattern.

Im not imply your ex was narcissistic but behaviour patterns are similar. Im very much still at the start. Extreme agrophobia, get triggers, anxiety and depression but know when Im ready I can watch the vids

[Theloudone in reply to Hidden]

I’m glad he is out of your life now.

Yes 100% we get used to it.

My x was definitely a narcissist

[Whiskers16]

No one ever deserves to be beaten but that’s the way they work making you believe it’s your fault

My ex left me a year ago today, he never beat me but said he didn’t feel the same about me, told me there wasn’t anyone else. Then 4 months ago he had another baby with a married women but it’s all my fault, he left because as far as he was concerned I always put him last after our children.... isn’t that what every parent does???

[Theloudone in reply to Whiskers16]

Yes, he worked hard for me to make me believe that.

I know I always put my kids first!

[mvillarreal]

Hi, there! First, nobody deserves physical abuse-EVER!!! Not even physical abusers! So no, there's nothing you could do to deserve that. Processing trauma can be very difficult though. Is there someone helping you process what happened?

[Theloudone in reply to mvillarreal]

Hello! Thank you- yes I process it with my therapist