This place is helping me subtily

I have been struggling to treat myself right due to being treated badly recently by friends who rejected me when I couldnt function and judged me. I realise it all made me feel I dont deserve love or to be treated with respect. I havent eaten well or showered as much as I should. I even got to the point where I couldnt talk to anyone for a while as I felt I didn’t deserve human contact (this is a recurring issue when I get really low. It gos back to being left on my own as a child alot).

Coming on here has helped me subtily. Just expressing myself to others on here is helping me build my confidence a little more. It took alot of courage but I rang 2 people today. I usually hide the reason Im ringing and pretend its for some reason other than the fact I need company (Its an easy thing to do instead of being the vulnerable person I am). I did this on both calls but at least I rang. I havent rang anyone in a long time. I did have a genuine question I needed to ask about something and also I returned a missed call that my friend left me the other day, but I really just wanted a friend to talk to too but didnt say. I dont really know how to.

Even though I really struggle to reach out, this was the best I could do. I couldnt have done this before coming on here I dont think.

Im really good at being honest if Im asked questions. So, when my elderly friend asked how I was I said 'Not good'. And when I rang at 5pm she asked if Ive eaten today. I said 'no'. She said she would make me some food today and she did. So I went round to pick it up. It was pasta and chicken that she said she didnt know if it was raw or not but I appreciated her kindness more than anything. That was nice (I left the chicken but her love filled me up much more than raw chicken could ever do). 🙂

Im still learning how to be human and Im still nervous and lacking self esteem but today I think I made a little progress.

[PNIAuthor60]

I know what you mean, the website of HealthUnlocked has become a cherished sanctuary for me with amazing support and care from people I have never even met.

I smiled to read of how your friend blessed you. I too have such a friend and she use to show up at my apt door often and ask me, "Have you eaten today?" I actually started nibbling on fruit at first or toast because I never knew when she'd show up at my door. She'd knock on the door with one hand because in the other hand behind her back she was holding a plate with chicken, vegetables and some type of potato on it. She never gave it to me, but came in with it and sat down at the table with me while I ate it. At first I was resentful but gradually came to realize and understand that she truly cared for me - she also struggles with depression .

You did indeed make progress as you described in your post - congratulations! Every tiny step forward counts.

You seem to have good insight into the origin of your feelings and I appreciate the transparency of your post.

[Pagesofwords]

Good for you--that you made some calls to reach out when you were feeling lonely. I want you to know that you DO deserve love and care, understanding and support. You already are human--and it's depression that makes you question this. I have gone through many times of feeling like that.

(I remember many years ago out driving my car and coming to a red light at a busy intersection and feeling as if all the other motorists were "good" and I wasn't "good enough" to be a person like them. I felt they all could see it and were judging me as bad and worthless. I couldn't wait for the light to change so I could get out of there.)

Sometimes a therapist can help with self-esteem. I was helped that way. It took a lot of talk and work at making new meanings and understanding of old patterns.

You didn't deserve to be left alone when you were a child. I encourage you now--don't abandon yourself as an adult. You deserve as much joy and goodness in life as anyone else. You are good enough. You have so much promise--and you deserve to believe that about yourself. You are worth taking care of yourself! I wish you well.

[Lostandconfused223]

I understand all to well about how friends and family treat us, when we cant be ourselves and we can't return calls as we should. I do the best I can, but human contact can be difficult....showering a rare occasion...and when you do finally reach out, its because you need that talk, my sister stopped talking to me because I didn't always answer when she called or took to long to call her back...and I already gave her a heads up about my difficulties...and now more people have turned their backs...I'm the most honest person I know...you tell people youre not doing well...I've not had one person step up and offer me any attention...it makes you angry at yourself for not being better and losing people...even though I know it says more about the people that get angry at you and walk away...you can't really make yourself feel ok...even when you rationalize....being on here has been a godsend...people who feel the same way I do....I'm not alone and I know it..

[Hidden]

That is just awesome, Cuddly-bear! Good for you!👍👍👍👍