Terrified of my manager

[Fatima_sh]

I’m 24 years old and I was hired on September as an administrative assistant at a college. The end of the year evaluation is coming up soon and I’m utterly terrified.

I can’t help but shake the feeling that something is going to happen. I am really afraid of my boss and what he will say and do.

I’ve had an incident once (same boss as the current one) where I was called to a directors office (keep in mind their status is A LOT higher than a regular manager, they’re basically the boss of the entire college) and I was ridiculed and humiliated without even giving me a heads up. I wasn’t even given a chance to defend myself and speak up! Now every time my manager isn’t happy with me I feel like that incident is going to happen all over again.

I am not saying I’m perfect, or that I do my work perfectly 100% of the time, as a matter of fact I wasn’t even trained and I’m learning this as I go! Every time I ask my manager a question he tells me to ask the other admins... he doesn’t give me the time of day, so how am I supposed to learn from my mistakes?! I think in the span of 9 months we only had one meeting about my performance, and he never says anything good! He just focuses is the negatives... surely I’ve done some things right?

God knows what’s going to happen to me in two weeks, my anxiety is killing me. I can’t even stand up without feeling dizzy, because of over thinking and fear.

[dion2112]

A few years ago I had a job that was horrible my anxiety and depression was horrible due to the job, it seems as though you may be in the same boat as I once was. My advice to you is to never let a job hurt your mental health, there's plenty of jobs out there your happiness and mental health should always come first. You know in your heart you're doing the best that you can that's all that matters

[Fatima_sh in reply to dion2112]

Thanks Dion. The thing is I don’t know if I’m going a good job anymore, I don’t even know what I’m good at. All I know for sure is that I am bad at certain things, because that’s all the feedback I ever get. I think I’m the span of 9 months I’ve been told that I’ve done a good job probably twice, and I feel as a new employee you need to be reminded that you’re doing (or not doing) a good job otherwise how would you know what needs to be improved or what you’re doing is ok or not?

I really know I can find another job after this pandemic, preferably something that suits my personality, energy and enthusiasm.

[Hidden]

I worked as a teacher's aide for special needs children for many years, but not at the same school or grade level the entire time. I remember three years in particular that I'd rather forget. One of those years was an unhappy year for me because the other aide (there are always two or more aides when it comes to working with special needs children) and I didn't get along. I tried to get along with her, but for some reason she didn't like me. I was also only 23 years old and made a lot of mistakes in that job. I was made to resign at year's end because of it. It hurt, but it was expected. My college major wasn't in education, but English lit., so I went in with no training.

The other two years I'd rather forget were when I was 27. The teacher I worked under was a very nice person, but not a very nice boss. She expected me to be able to do more than what a teacher's aide is supposed to do. The other aide actually had a teaching certificate and took the job as my co-aide while waiting to get one as a teacher. The teacher we worked under knew this, and so treated him with more respect than she did me. She watched me the entire time and I got very self-conscious and paranoid. One cannot work well in that environment. I did what I could. Sometime during that year I grew balls and walked away from her once while she was nagging me. The other aide was in the room and saw me walk out. He followed me a few minutes later, came up to me and said "that was AWESOME! I didn't know you had it in you to do that!" It turns out he had been having problems with her as well. And not just him, too. She was known in the school district for being difficult to work with. All you had to do was mention her name and you would get an immediate apology.

Luckily, an attractive position as a job coach in the same school opened up after those two years and I jumped on it right away. I got it, too!! I was really happy as job coach for two more years before my mental health got in the way and I quit. I think maybe I was just burned out. Working with special needs kids is rewarding but exhausting.

The point of all that is this: the workforce is tough, especially when you're so young. And, (very important) if you're having problems with your boss, chances are you're not the only one. And (also important, but also a bit unclear), if you're boss is nothing but negative to you, it might be because you're actually doing a good job and he's trying to test your limits and toughen you up.

The lady teacher who wasn't very nice told her boss that I didn't know what I was doing. Because of this, I was called into her boss's office and do you know what she told me? She said, "well, Wendy says you don't know what you're doing, but I know you do".

[Fatima_sh in reply to Hidden]

Congrats on getting that job, it must’ve felt amazing to get something that you’ve wanted. By the way my boss watches me and keeps an eye on me all the time. Even to the extent that if I were to disappear for let’s say 5-10 minutes he’d ask me where I was... and of course being a person with a bowel disease the answer is “I was in the bathroom”. You would think that he’d learn from the first time... nope up until corona happen he still asked me where I was and put me in a difficult situation when the answer was the bathroom. Why would you ask a person with Crohn’s disease where they’ve been? Also where the hell would I be at 9AM?! Unfortunately my friend my boss isn’t the type to “test me limits and toughen me up” because I know that he’s just plain mean and doesn’t give females the time of day.

[Hidden in reply to Fatima_sh]

Oh dear...

You can't go above him and complain, can you? If he is singling out females, this is not good.

[Jfb007]

Everything is going to be ok; don’t anticipate and trust yourself, you are awesome