Summer Aches

[Phoenix2012]

I've gone through Intensive Outpatient Treatment three times now. Been inpatient twice. The first time was almost 8 years ago after I attempted to end my life. The second time was this past January, my 14 year old daughter attempted to end her life in December and the guilt, shame and suicidal thoughts returned...so in I went before it got to that moment of desperation again. Things have improved in my life...my relationship with my spouse has improved, we're even talking about having a baby, its our second marriage and we love the idea of having a child of our own. But I'm also worried, I have depression and anxiety, something I feel I passed on to my daughter already. I just worry about not being able to care for a baby...days like today, I can't seem to push myself to get out of bed to do what I need to do. I need to be at the office today, I telework weekday but go to the office two half days and today is the morning I'm supposed to be there in about an hour. I got up an hour ago but went back to bed and tried doing a couple of things on Silvercloud and Whil, two apps my therapist recommended...but I couldn't focus....I don't know why I just want to lay in bed and cry...we have four kids, my two girls and my spouse's son and daughter...during the summer our visitation schedule changes and they go to their other parents during the week and with us on weekends...I miss them...I know they'll be back tomorrow night and I should be up and feeding their pets and doing stuff around the house, getting ready for work, but here I am, just trying to keep the tears from falling, curled up in bed...afraid that it's all coming back and the treatments and medications and support from friends and family are not enough...I lay here and wonder why I'm not doing what I need to do. I'm disappointed and angry with myself for not pushing myself to do what I need to do to be well. I know that treatment works best with a combination of meds, meditation, exercise and a healthy diet...and here I am...laying in bed avoiding everything...in a few minutes I'll finally get up, go feed the pets, refill their water, shower and run off to work, because in the end that's what I need to do to survive...to make it through tomorrow. I've thought about going back into treatment, but if I do, I'll lose my health insurance, not just for me but for my whole family...so, I do what I can to survive...I don't want to just survive though, I want to thrive, I want to do the things I enjoy, and I know I can if I can just get myself to get out of bed in time to enjoy the morning instead of wasting time then having to rush...but here it is, the moment to rush...the mad dash to keep going...

[PT81]

You sound like a very loving mother and a strong and determined woman. Keeping fighting.