The Mask

[yogajourney]

Feels like I’m drowning and constantly on a battlefield with my own self. I struggle with so much from my past. Grew up in a toxic abusive family where I was beat and slapped for not being obedient. At around 12 my older sibling started molesting me and when I finally had the courage to confess it to my mother she didn’t believe me. It kept happening. I turned into a lonely mute at school and the bullying along with my social anxiety began.

At 29 years old I wrestle within myself to form trust and genuine connection with other people. I put on a mask everyday and to some I might seem like a “successful young woman”. I can manage my everyday life and I can pretend to be “normal” but inside it can feel like I’m suffocating. I constantly fear judgment and rejection from others. I feel like people know my secret and they look down on me so I keep everyone at a distance and my walls are always ready to go up.

I know that my scars are deep and I won’t wake up one day without them but I’m hoping to find some connection by being a little vulnerable and sharing some of my story on here.

[PT81]

Takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable and a I commend you on that. Never hurts to have tons of support. I hope you are also considering speaking to a professional counselor as well.

[yogajourney in reply to PT81]

Thank you 😊 I wrote the post and stared at it for so long before having the courage to hit “post” but I’m really glad I did, feels like a little step in the right direction.

[Agora1]

yogajourney, thank you for sharing a very heartfelt difficult story of your life.

I'm sorry this happened to you and can see how you struggle with this everyday.

Have you ever had therapy to help in ridding you of the past? Or at least help

you in dealing with it. PTSD issues are deep seated and need the help of a

professional therapist. I'm glad you are here with us. You are not alone, there

are many on this site who fight the same struggle every day as well as wear The Mask xx

[yogajourney in reply to Agora1]

Thank you for your kind words❤️

I have yet to consider going to therapy. This is something I have never talked to anyone about and the thought of fully opening up my wounds to a complete stranger really scares me tbh. I feel like part of me would feel weakness as well as judgment from society. I’m always hopeful though, being mindful of everything and writing about it have definitely helped.

[Agora1 in reply to yogajourney]

yogajourney, I understand your concern. Let me reassure you that both talking with a therapist as well as being on this forum you will never be judged. You took a big step in sharing your story with us. One step at a time. When you are ready you may

rethink about talking with a professional who will lighten your burden. Meanwhile,

you are safe here. We care xx

[Hidden]

Very brave of you. It's difficult opening up and showing your scars. It's the first step.

One thing I have learned, you never minimize what you feel or been through. This past scenario is your reality.

Also, none of what happened is your fault! The family that took advantage of you as a person, is so violating and degrading. I'm sorry you had to experience it, but it's in the past. You have to fix your future now! You must contend with those real feelings, BUT DON'T LET THEM RUIN YOUR FUTURE!

Seek help to manage your thoughts and retrain your brain. It happened to you, it's real to you and you must find someone to work through this book of feelings.

My parents were alcoholics, I was so ashamed. The impact was real and I let it dictate my future, but back then nothing was said. It's a stigma. I finally understand it and have accepted my truth and feel better. It will never be gone, but it can be manageable to acceptance.

Seek help, maybe need meds for a spill and get those feelings aligned and out of your world.

Again, I know how it can hold you back!

It took me 30 years to realize I wasted my energy on something I couldn't control!

Best to you. You deserve peace and a brighter future 👍

Horseaddict57

[yogajourney in reply to Hidden]

Horseaddict, thank you so much for taking the time to read my story and for being open and honest with yours. I honestly really hope I will one day get to where you are now.

I think for the longest time I tried to not confront what I went through and kinda pretended like it didn’t happen thinking it would disappear?

This lockdown has somehow forced me to face myself and it’s been really hard to relive some of it. At the same time I’m grateful that I’m able to recognize where it’s all coming from and that I’m mindful and aware of what I’m feeling, gives me a little sense of control.

I’ve reread your words multiple times and they’ve been so helpful and encouraging Thank you, I really appreciate it!

[Sabio77]

thank you for sharing your story. it is not easy. you can always reach out here. try talking to your dr and get meds and therapist in your area. also, try this confidential # 1-800-950-6264 or text "home" to 741741.

[yogajourney in reply to Sabio77]

Thank you