I haven't ever joined an online support group before, but I find myself in a place where I am really having a hard time. I start to worry about trying to lean on my friends for fear that my current depression, anxiety and what feels like desperation will drive them away. I already feel like the changes this has brought about in me over the past six months or more has already pushed away the person that I thought was my best friend. I've had a great deal of stress building for some time - and I dealt with depression once before - about 20 years ago. I was newly developing hypothyroidism then, and they couldn't get it under control. A consequence of that was pretty severe depression. It got quite bad, and in the struggle to figure out what was going on and get help, it impacted some relationships. I'm very fearful that history is repeating itself right now. I'm struggling mightily with the impact I feel like this has had/is having on my relationship with the person I have thought of as my best friend for years now. That is making this so, so much worse. I've been the primary caregiver for my mom for - well, I had her living with me for four year - but really have been her primary caregiver since well before then. Almost 10 years, with the responsibility progressing steadily over that time. Things were getting harder and harder in terms of her cognition and declining abilities, with just me, and working full time. Things finally progressed to where I had to start looking into assisted living in December - which was an entirely different level of stress. Then she had several illnesses, then the flu - which landed her in the hospital for 12 days. At nearly 88 years old, that sapped a lot of her strength and function. So, after subacute rehab, she had to stay at the nursing home level of care. That was an incredibly stressful transition (that we're still very much adjusting to), and I was almost all days going straight from work to the nursing home. Then, the pandemic, and two weeks ago, the NH went into lockdown - which is the right thing to do to try to protect the residents there. But now here I am, locked away from her - unable to really check on her and protect her, and she is vulnerable and has only been at this place for about 6 weeks. I also work at a hospital, so, while I am lucky to have a job where I still get to work right now - the stress has ramped up tremendously at work as well - as our team is doing tons of work related to the whole COVID-19 crisis.
I'm now working on reaching out to the EAP through my employer to get help, and trying to coordinate to get an appointment with my PCP (which is now harder due to the pandemic situation) because I really feel I need to get onto antidepressants. I took them for a short time 20 years ago, and they did help. I am not sure why I have so much hesitation about getting back on them, but I do. Somehow this all feels like a failing. I know I waited too long to seek out help, and am kicking myself for that as well. There's not a whole lot that I am not kicking myself for right now. I am really beating myself up a lot - what could I have done better for my mom? What could I have done or said differently to not be where I feel like I am right now with my best friend? What can I do or say now? What should I be doing to protect my mom in the NH when I can go in there? And this just snowballs on and on ...
I'm single, work a challenging full time job, often with long hours. It was just me and my mom here at my home, so now I'm alone - which also doesn't help. I never got lucky enough to be married or have kids. I have three brothers that are not really supportive, and while we've always remained in touch, we're not especially close. They weren't really helpful or supportive with all that went on with my Mom over these years, and were pretty content to let me carry all of the responsibility, the work, the financial burdens ... even though they are all local. I know that the build up of anger and resentment about all of that has contributed to getting me to where I am right now. I'm just hitting a point now where I am just despondent. Between worrying about my mom, and the stress of the changes I can tell have happened with my 'best friend' - my mental focus at work, and my ability to sleep have been really negatively impacted. It just seems like insult keeps getting added to injury. I certainly know that there are plenty of people in the world in far worse situations than I ... but this has all just sunk me. It is nearly impossible to see light at the end of the tunnel. I'm terrified that my relationship with my friend won't come fully back. And being single with no kids ... your closest friends are a huge deal. This is another friend who is also single - so we supported each other a lot, did things together a lot - now I feel like I'm losing her too ... and, it is killing me. I don't know what to expect that I may get out of writing this here. Like I said, I've never done this before ... but I am grasping at straws. Thanks to anyone who reads through this. I don't really know what to do right now.
New here... feeling lost
New here, looking for support
New on here. Struggling 
New here but not to Panic attacks
New here / Xanax prescription
