Hey There! About Me...

[lexidoodle2727]

Hi there. I am a domestic, physical, mental, verbal and and emotional abuse victim. This was in a relationship that ended in September of 2019, with an individual I was dating for almost five years. He was someone I truly loved. I would have done probably anything for that what I thought was a so called, "Man", yet an abuser, a finesser and someone who truly was just cold. I suffer from severe depression, I will stay in bed all day with the curtains drawn and cry and sleep. I have severe panic attacks and anxiety.

I have a lot more to share with you about myself, and my life growing up with a father who was addicted to drugs and alcohol. He relapsed after years. He is now in recovery and doing amazing, attending meetings and working.

Thank You for taking the time to read this, and I hope I can help at least ONE person.

Due to this, I now suffer from night sweats, headaches, vision issues, nightmares, PTSD and major anxiety and panic attacks.

I was also a survivor of a 8 Time roll-over car accident on August 18, 2018.

I endured this abuse for years, I decided not to leave, because, as assumed, it was easier said than done. My former ex, the abuser, is now paying consequences by doing a year of probation and anger management classes, as well as paying court costs and gets drug and alcohol tested randomly.

After this happened, I felt extreme Survivor's Guilt. Why did I feel such guilt for someone that hurt me so badly in every way possible? Because I am a good person, I see the good in people, I knew he would have a record, court costs and trouble finding jobs in the future. Next thing you know, he gets out of jail and already has a new girlfriend. Wow, slap in the face (not physically this time, but it just as bad). How could he forget me that fast? Was he getting revenge? Is or was she a rebound? Sounds to me as if he was cheating with her, a little too close for comfort. But, the very last domestic encounter we had, was him waking me in my sleep, as he was going through my phone about a text with an old family friend I have known since middle school and whom I worked with him and his whole family. It was an innocent text. Back to the new chick, I felt so hurt... this is why...Why are you doing all the things for her you never did for me, I had to beg for your time. But, people tell me about him when I want to know nothing about him.. they tell me how they are always together, almost making PDA videos on snapchat making out, he's always taking her out, on the motorcycle which I begged him to teach me for years. It was so pathetic, that I asked him to teach me how to ride as a Christmas gift. I stayed when I knew nothing was changing. He'd say I would complain or pick arguments and that he did not want to talk about it. I would say, "I'm upset. I want to talk and it's going to be now." He would ignore me, tell me to leave, or leave me at his house and take off on the bike.

After the official breakup, yes, I felt alone. Yet, I was happy and felt a weight lifted off of my shoulders. But, as we all know, feelings can change in a second, in the blink of an eye. I started to become depressed, not eating, which actually started about a year before we actually broke up.

I started to become self destructive, taking benzo's which I am prescribed, but taking more than needed as I just wanted to numb the pain. I accidentally took too much one night, and my mom found me unresponsive. Face swollen, Lips blue, faint pulse, near death, almost gone. I was so depressed and felt so bad my own mom had to find me like that. This was a complete accidental overdose. I was in the Intensive Care Unit for 5 days. Then trauma step down for another couple of days.

Over the last three years I went from a 5/7 in pants to a 3, 2, 1, 0 and now I am a double 00. I am super insecure due to the abuse, even though I am not alone and super insecure about how I look. This is all depression and anxiety, causing me not to eat.

I started losing and isolating my friends, calling out of work due to anxiety thinking something was not okay with us and/or because I was bruised from head to toe. I do not want to be back with him. I just want him to know he genuinely hurt me in every way possible. I do not resent him. I am not bashing him. I am here to tell my story and help other people going through the same thing I was.

[CanuckAnon]

Ok so that’s a lot do I will try to break it down and focus on the circle of abuse you found yourself trapped in... yes you were trapped. You mentioned doing anything for him bcuz u loved him... so you were looking for approval like teaching u to ride bike. You feel like he spared you metaphorically in face with new gf well do u recall the “honeymoon” period between beatings? Do u recall him ever saying sorry I will never do it again? Do you recall him trying to suck up after acting particularly disgusting? You talked about him somewhat punishing you, leaving u at home etc... this was his “control” this was to make u try harder to please him, just like the mental and emotional abuse did. It would beat you down so u were dependent on him and he was always top of the food chain so to speak. He would use the things u wanted as a reward that was always out of your reach. He wouldn’t teach u to ride a bike cuz then you could get one and not need him to ride one.

He wanted you isolated and alone cuz guess what you would still be waiting for him and believing any crappy thing he spouted. He did not want someone to intrude and tell you that he was crap and u deserved more and better! He is an insecure bully who deals in control and manipulation.

[Ara101 in reply to CanuckAnon]

I am sorry u deserve better i hope peace and serenity to your whole being much love❤

[CanuckAnon]

He doesn’t need to know how hurt you are. He won’t care as he likely is in denial about anything he did... he will not care and likely will just try and tear you apart further for having the gumption of getting him charged I’m assuming. He lost control that very second! You took back control at that very moment! CONGRATS! Now the pieces that are fragmented from this horrific experience... 1st of all nothing is your fault! You could not say, do anything to change him or make him less of a predator! Nothing you say now will do anything... close that chapter and start a new one all about you!!!!

Tell me what do you like doing? What do you get enjoyment from? Can you reconnect with friends that you isolated from? I understand why... I know bruises, cuts, bandages, stitches, concussions well. I know covering for him well, being extremely clumsy near stairs, concrete walls, falling off bike etc... I know what it feels like telling yourself “ I deserve this” etc. I did not and you do not! Nobody does! Your anxiety will take a while as you need to become stronger, confident, realize your own value/worth... you will also need to learn how to please yourself above all others. You need to put yourself 1st! You know the best way to get back at him?! Get stronger, get your inner light back glowing, get your confidence back so someone like him is never gonna matter to you again... he is not even worth a 2nd look. That way you will have shown him you know you are better and deserve the best. He does not matter- YOU DO!!!

Do you have a therapist? Nutritionist? Nurse practitioner?

Support network?

I am so happy that you reached out here and told your story. I will not pity you but I will stand beside you metaphorically in case you need someone to lean on for support or to vent, talk etc. Welcome! 😊🌷☀️🤗

PS teach yourself to drive a bike! Much more fulfilling for sure!

[Jejo83]

This resonated with me significantly. Although, my situation has been very different I do understand some parts of this cycle. I was with a man on and off for 4 years. He was emotionally abusive, a narcissist, and I became a part of a cycle that broke me down. He religiously told me that I could never find another man, that it was idiotic to think any man would want me, and it continued.

I wish I had words to solve the hurt and pain. A few things that I write down every week are " I am the architect of my life." " I can take my power back.

Unfortunately I know that I would take him back in a moment during this crazy co-vid crisis. In this recovery of abusive relationship there is no linear path. It hurts, it suffocates, and it feels like a never-ending burden. He may never understand the pain he caused and he may never care to the depth you would like. Your healing will never involve his understanding because you have the power. Keep your power, keep digging deep, keep breathing when it's hard.