Need advice/support on navigating life after abusive relationship!

[Beccag89]

Hi, everyone! I am just reaching out to ask for some advice/support. To give you a short summary, I was in a relationship that was mentally, emotionally and at times physically abusive. I was able to get out of this relationship about 3 years ago but I still feel the effects of it. I didn't even tell anyone I was abused until about a year ago. I carry around a lot of anger, hurt and anxiety with me. Recently, I have noticed that when there are certain things or situations that remind me of things from the relationship, that I start to panic. I've noticed that it's so hard for me to fully trust anyone. Not just males but everyone. I start doubting myself, people's motives, doubting their sincerity. Even if this person has done nothing to make me feel this way. I hate it. I feel like I can't form strong friendships with those I care about because I push them away or I shut down. So, you could say that dating is a total bust because I just don't want to or if I try, I cut ties quickly. I freeze up and can't be vulnerable. I really don't know how to manage these out of control worries or the anxiety. I feel like I'm going to push everyone away. I know that forgiveness is definitely a step that will help but it's something I'm still working on. I'm a christian and so prayer and church are part of my life, along with a counselor but I just need some support from anyone who may understand what I'm going through. I don't know how to navigate these waters. Any advice is welcomed. Thank you in advance.

[Bluzzle]

I just want to say first that I am sorry you went through that and that you did not deserve to be treated that way, nor does it reflect your worth in anyway. I personally cant say Ive been in a physically abusive relationship, but my last relationship was quite manipulative and emotionally and verbally abusive in many ways. The biggest lesson I learned from it was my own self-worth, which came from myself, my support system, and my counselor who helped me through it and so I am very happy to hear you have a counselor yourself, use them to help you through it! If they do not give you the support you need there is someone out there that can! It has been almost two years since that relationship has ended and I still find myself effected by it as well. I had to convince myself and find the proof that other men, as well as people, have different motives, personalities, and ways of thinking than he did. I had to recognize when the thoughts I was thinking were the ones that he had planted in my head, rather than reality. Take all the time you need to get to know yourself and your worth. Understand the boundaries that you will never again allow to be broken by anyone. Know that there are support groups for those who have suffered through abusive relationships like you have. KNow that you are the survivor and not the victim. He no longer has a hold or control on you, and neither will anyone else. But it is very important that you can find some type of support system, a friend, a family member. Someone who has your back because I promise there are still decent people out there that you will find, or will find you. I wish you the best! You will make it to the light!

[cnt6870]

I can honestly say I don't know how you feel or how you must be going through this, but you being able to recognize that this is a problem and that you want to be able to build upon your ability to have relationships or even just one, makes you human and able to want to reach out and fix it. We are not perfect by all means to have fantastic relationships where our partner just speaks our love language, that will take time and effort, over and over again. I am year 12 in my marriage and still working on it. As an individual, you need to work on not allowing that fear define you. You are strong enough to recognize this gut feeling of yours isnt right and maybe therapy can do you some good if all else fails to help you with overcoming that fear.

[Hidden]

Hi. I've been there in my first marriage, as well as childhood. When I got out of it, I was a mess. I went on a blind date eight months later and met my husband. I was putting on a good face but he could see through me. He loved me anyway. For the first six months I cried because I was afraid he would figure out I was no good, like my first husband taught me to feel. He loved me through my pain and insecurities. That's what helped me. Now I am so strong as you will be too.

[Poodie]

Hi Becca.

I know how hard this kind of experience can be to overcome. I have been there too, and it took me a long time to understand what happened and a long time to get over it. Know that it is not your fault. This kind of person is usually an expert actor. They fool you.. They are not what they seem.

Try to read about it and get support from people who have overcome a similar situation. Besides this group, there are on line support groups specifically for people who have encountered this type of person. It is tough for some other people to understand.

It is an awful experience to realize someone you trusted is not what they seem. It is hard to wrap your mind around what they do. Yet I think it is vital to understand the situation so you are better able to avoid similar people in the future,

Good luck. You will eventually find your way to the other side and you will be much wiser about who you can give your trust and heart to.

Take care. Keep posting. Good luck.