Narcassist victim

[Nova138]

Has anyone experienced narcasistic abuse? I recently decided on the no contact method with my self proclaimed diagnosed narcassistic GF and am in need of help and guidance

[paint1018]

Hi Nova,

I dated someone who was a huge narcissist. It came in many forms, gas-lighting me, reacting like any emotion i expressed was completely irrational, or even little things like acting like he was the best, smartest, what he said was always right. I had difficulty completely cutting ties with this person even after I ended the relationship, because I was so confused how he could be like this while we also had good times, I basically wanted to prove I could help him which was my issue. My opinion and guidance would be to trust your gut. I think it can be very damaging for most if not all people to date someone who is very narcissistic, and if, in addition to that, your gut has led you to having no contact with her I think you should stick with that because it's your own mind protecting itself. You need to look out for your own wellbeing when dealing with people who are toxic. It can be very hard but just remember that even if you have had good times with her, even if she has good qualities, she also has toxic qualities so this is not the person you need to be with or subject yourself to anymore. If you haven't already I would just be direct with her, direct but considerate, and just make it clear by saying something like I don't feel like this relationship is healthy for me anymore and I am choosing to move on, i don't want to have any contact with you so please respect that. Just something that you feel is appropriate. I think it many ways it can be good to be direct with people so there's no mixed messages. Just don't forget you deserve better than someone who only cares about themselves.

[Nova138 in reply to paint1018]

Thank you for your reply. Everything You said is wise. However, ive never been anything close to this in love before. Its indescribable. The problem is, she's already gone through the cycle and discarded me back in December. After 3 weeks of me wanting to die every second of everyday weather asleep or awake, I reached out to her. After a few weeks of talking we hung out. Hooked up. She told me leaving me was a huge mistake and that she loved me and wanted to be with me forever. I also found out she had been dating someone else and possibly started it before things ended for us the first time. So, we we're supposed to hang yesterday, and things had been wierd the last few days and I had that gut feeling and she text with the most rediculois lie as to why she had to cancel our plans. At that poiny I knew she cancelled to be with another guy and blocked all contact with her for the first time ever.

Problem is.... I'm right back to it. I see no future without her. No point in my existing. Ive been in love before. Many times. But this is different. If there is such a thing as a soul mate shes mine. I felt it from the second I met her. But i know things will never change. She'll always lie and cheat. I feel trapped, cornered with no escape. And horrified at the thought that I'll never see her again.

Yeah, so there's that

[paint1018 in reply to Nova138]

I feel for you, honestly. The feeling that you don't want to live without the person you believe to be your person is such an intense feeling, it's one of the strongest feelings I think we can feel which is what makes things so damn difficult. You can see it in your actions, on the one hand you blocked all contact when you realized wow she's lying to me again and probably with someone else again, treating me badly. But the other part of you who cares for her and loves her is fighting against those instincts because you truly want her. I'm going to say the cliche thing, what you probably don't want to hear, but you truly, truly don't deserve someone like that, and if thats how she treats you, she is not the right person for you. I mean that with absolutely no judgement. I'm in a situation now where I was tossed aside like trash by the person I still believe to be the one I should spend my life with, so on at least some level I can relate to the pain, the desire. People keep trying to tell me oh theres other fish in the sea, if he didn't want you then he's not the one for you, but I don't want to hear any of it. I'm in so much pain because I just want him. So while I can honestly tell you that I think she's shown a clear pattern of being a liar, disrespectful, and someone who clearly doesn't care enough to treat you well, I can also say I can understand your conflict. Being in love, especially a love you've never felt before is such a strong force. You don't have to force yourself to do anything you don't feel ready for (i.e. cutting her out of your life). But sometimes the hard things end up being the right ones. I'm sitting here finishing a painting for the guy who broke my soul, it was going to be his birthday present, and I want to finish it 1) because it was a hard painting to do so i wanted to finish the challenge, but 2) because I want him so badly that part of me dreams he'll see this painting and how much I care and realize he wants me. We deserve people who want us, prioritize us, and treat us with respect. That's what you deserve, truly.

[Nova138 in reply to paint1018]

Wow. Of the few people ive talked to about this, what you just said came the closest to making me feel better yet. Probably because youre going through the same thing. Why!?! Why is life this way. We do deserve better, but why cant we have that with the one we want to be with. I told her when I saw her last week I would die if she left me again. She promised she was in this for good. Yet here we are again and shes peobably with someone else. Probably the guy she left me for the first time. The guy she said she had zero feelings for.

Thing is, ive been through much worse. Unspeakable things. Yet this is by far the worst ive ever felt, tines a thousand. All I want is to run to her and try to make her realize, but I know she is who she is and won't change and doesnt love me like she says she does. She probably doesnt even know how to love. I can accept every thing about her. The lies. Tge lack of caring. Just... Not the cheating.

I'm so sorry youre experiencing this, but I'm glad I finally found someone who may at least kind of know what it feels like.

Why is this happening to us?

Why is life like this?

Why is love like this?

Stay strong

I know I'm at least trying to

[paint1018 in reply to Nova138]

See that's what I can't get over either, my friends telling me that i deserve better, but all I can think is ok yea I deserve someone good but i want HIM. To be let down repeatedly by someone you love and are invested in...man that's just a stab in the back each time. I've been in a couple relationships like that where promises were made yet the following week or day i was crying again because they broke the promise. It's so conflicting to have love for someone who treats you badly, you want them but you don't want to be treated badly. how do you handle that? no one prepares you for how to handle that. people just tell you cliche phrases like oh you deserve better! move on! you'll find someone else! and its like...uh ok thanks that instantly helped I no longer love this person and want to be with them.

You know your boundaries, what you won't tolerate. and thats important. from my experience though, I've set my "what i won't tolerate" aside in the name of love, like oh i'll let this slide this time, they said they'll change....and somehow, they never change. Don't get me wrong, i've made mistakes, but because of the people i've dealt with who say they'll change and never do, i make it a point to do my absolute best to learn from my mistakes in relationships, if i do something wrong i swear i will be sure to not do it again, because there's nothing worse than a failed promise of being treated better. and i know you're experiencing that, and its wounding you, and I'm sorry for that because on some level i know your pain. I know that even compared to incredible hardships, somehow this pain doesn't compare. It's strange isn't it.

I don't know why this is happening. I wish it weren't and we could be happy with someone we love and just have good relationships. I don't understand...I wish the pain would go.

Stay strong. I'm glad you are.

[Nova138 in reply to paint1018]

I'm not really. Just trying my hardest. Its also not about what I'm willing to tolerate. I'd throw all my standards out the window if I thought she wanted to be with me, just me. Nothing else would matter. I decided on the no contact method to try and save my life. The excuse she used to cancel our plans yesterday was the same lie she told her work to get out of it and spend time with me. I guess she forgot or,didn't realize I,knew that was the lie she used. But at that point I knew for sure she was still seeing other guys.

Did you say this recent guy youre struggling to get over is a narcassist too?

A couple things that may be cliche but have helped me, is knowing narcassisism is an actual mental health disease that they cannot help. Its not our fault. Its not even necassarily thier fault. Its just how theyre wired and maybe they at least cared for us more than they did thier other victims. They just dont know how to hold on to,whats good for them. It makes me pitty them.

I wish I could help her. Heal her. If she gave me the chance I would.

Also, and trust me I know this doesnt help RN. But in time we will heal. This wont last forever. Tho, that makes me sad too, to think I'll start to forget, love less. I dont want that either.

Considering youre the only person I know who's experienced this, and even tho we dont know each other, if you feel really bad. Like You need to vent or if you feel that feeling like you cant go on. Feel free to message me. I almost never sleep anyway, so,I'm usually around and Idk about you but knowing there's someone out there that might even kind of understand what I'm going through makes me feel a,tiny but better.

Thanks for listening and talking

[fauxartist]

No contact means you don't feed the beast...narcs live for attentiion...of any kind.

[Timmypliskin]

Only one way to stop it,

Zero contact, zero tolerance.

Wich means you have to be 100% done with the situation.

Good luck, hope all goes well.

[MrZee]

Dear Nova138

Oh how I can empathize with you 100%... totally.

27 years ago I had a friendship with another man (we’re both Gay... Gay/Straight... there’s no difference when it comes to human connection).

Anyway, our friendship ended up crossing over to intimate. I knew first hand he had a lot emotional baggage and many problems and was narcissistic.

My problem was that by just walking into a room, at the snap of a finger, he would light up every fiber of my emotional being. He was my obsession. It got to a point that I felt like I couldn’t breathe without his being with me. Intimately we had quite a connection.

However... he did not have the ability to be monogamous. And he was using me as his token codependent lover. He probably didn’t have the awareness that he was using me. Anyway for as messed up as he was, I remained his fish out of water... totally hooked.

So here’s the problem, being hooked to him I also felt like I was an emotional ship that was sinking. I couldn’t concentrate at work. I abandoned my other friends. And he occupied my thoughts 24/7.

Then the day came where my therapist told me I have a choice: Sink or Swim... you have to let him go. Now that felt impossible to me. But... I made the decision to break it off. He was very hurt and after it ended I was a total emotional wreck without him. It felt like death. Without him the whole world around me turned black. I lost all hope.

But like the beginning of spring when a tree begins to sprout new leaves after a long winter, my life began to go on. My hypnotic urge for him was fading. I moved on. Two years later I met my partner who I’ve been with for over 25 years. He’s a great guy and I love him dearly.

Of course 27 years later I still think of “him” from all those years ago. From time to time I still fantasize about him intimately. But he hasn’t run me for a long time and I’m all for the better.

I am not going to advise you to stay with her or leave her. That is up to you. If you stay, she uses and abuses you even if she’s your love obsession. If you leave, you’ll go through agony for a while but you will move on.

Bottom line, just like me 27 years ago, do you want to sink? Or do you want to swim?

Best wishes in your journey,

MZ

[Nova138 in reply to MrZee]

Thanks for sharing.

I feel like I'm trying to swim, but theres an anchor tied to my leg. I could probably untie it, but Idk if I want to. Life doesn't seem worth living without her. I'm just hoping I can stay afloat long enough for time to let me untie the anchor. But part of me would rather drown if it means I get one more minute with her.

Emotions suck.

Part of me envies the narcassist

[MrZee in reply to Nova138]

Dear Nova138,

Never ever envy the narcissist. For as enthralled as you are with her... she has problems and is a Siren (if you don’t know the term, Google: Siren Greek Mythology).

Currently you’re under her hypnotic spell.

Just remember, she’s the one who has problems... not you. Her. You’re the stronger one of the two. It’s just up to you to believe that.

Best,

MZ