Victim of negative thoughts

[BlueZim]

I posted that I was lonely and isolated,, but there's more to it than that. I was the victim of sexual abuse from my grandfather from the age of 4-17. I am the middle child and the only one he targeted. I have tried to commit suicide many times, and almost succeeded, but after my son found me I have tried not to ruin his life too. I am a senior with a lung disease., so I am confined to the house. I do not know anyone where we live, and my husband goes out and plays golf every day. I don't blame him, but it is hard not to resent him as we moved because of his medical condition, which is now in remission. I read posts where people want to end it all, and I think me too. i just keep putting one foot in front f the other for right now.

[Lazy_dog_lover]

I am so glad you keep fighting. You are worth it. I always, at first, thought no one would miss me. Then, one day when I was away at school, almost 30 years ago, a friend drove 5 hours to me because he was worried about me.

For the last 15 years I have been doing fostering of dogs. They needed me. I was a teacher. I could never put my students through that. Lots of external things kept me on my path. It is not easy.

Do you have friends or family that live by your old home? Ask your son to organize a video phone chat with the group. Do you have any hobbies? You could all be doing your hobby at the same time as the video and it's like being in the same room.

Don't worry about hubby playing golf. Give him his alone time. Can you go just ride in the cart?

Keep kicking it up, my friend.

[BlueZim in reply to Lazy_dog_lover]

Thank you so much for replying. You are right, it isn't easy. My sons don't live close by, and my last home was in Hawaii. I agree that I should try a video chat with my old friends, and I will try to find a way to do that. It is so nice to hear people respond. I was feeling so alone, and even though you know you are not the only one going through this rough time sometimes it feels like you are. Again, thank you.

[Hidden]

Do you have any friends or family that could visit you at your house??? Maybe just paying someone once a week to take you to your doctor appt. And maybe going out to eat afterwards or going to a store to just browse for an hour with a companion would be a great way to get out of your house for awhile. If you do this be clear to the person you hire exactly where you want to go and how much you can pay them. I'm sure you could find someone decent who'd love to spend some time with you and help you with what you need done.

[BlueZim in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for the suggestion. It is great that you responded - I was feeling so alone. Because I have a lung infection, my husband will not let anyone in the house. He says he's worried about my compromised situation. He also does all the cooking as he is on a special diet and I don't really care about food. But your ideas have given me hope. Thank you! I will work out a way to go to the store, even if it is by myself.

[Hidden in reply to BlueZim]

Well, do you at least have a yard in back of the house? Maybe you could at least buy a couple plants or flowers and water them in your yard, or just sit out in some fresh air for awhile. It would drive me nuts sitting in the house all day. I'm trying to find a part time job, but I go for walks and browse at stores because just staying inside will make my depression worse. I know you have to be careful with the coronavirus going on, but if you take precautions and wear a mask and gloves I think you will be all right. I hope your lungs get better somehow!!! Or maybe you could just sit at a park for awhile.

[BlueZim in reply to Hidden]

Love your advice. You sound so positive. That is something that I am working towards. I guess I focused on leaving my friends and moving to a place where I don't know anyone and then the virus struck. I haven't reached out to my friends as I don't want them to see how lonely or sad I am. Small steps... plants first, friends next.