Chamomile tea morphine and low mood ...

[Poohbear76]

Hi just thought I needed to write to people who understand. I got through christmas and managed to sort things with regards to gifts etc.

I sort of went into automatic fiction fixing a smile on my face and pretending. Unfortunately it seems like that is wearing off and my mood and any motivation has gone. My anxiety is back with extra umphhh ! I even tried chamomile tea ! ( it smells like soil and wellington boots) Surprisingly it does calm me down ! I also tried calming rain sounds ( thanks Alexa)

My pain is under control ish so why is my mood so low. ? I feel like I am beginning to detach from my family. I fell empty and uninterested. Unfortunately my eldest boy has moved away so maybe it's that. Do we ever get over our children not needing us ? I thought as I got older with time wisdom would greet me with the answers to life's puzzles. Unfortunately I am just still looking for answers ... Looking for a time when I can laugh and mean it.

Unfortunately I just feel overwhelmed and sad. I know I am lucky enough to have children and a husband. But I don't feel it I just do not remember a time when I did not have other people to take care of. The thing is when you pour yourself into motherhood the trauma of your past is pushed down. The memory not as important as new ones your making with the life that you created.

Your entire being evolved around these people who came out of you. It enables you to hide within its borders. Without that your left with you. That in itself should be okay what happens when it isn't ? When your focus calls you back to what was pushed down is rising up?

[Figgins42]

I understand your pain and loneliness. But I must say, what you've written here is poetic. Have you ever thought of writing or are you a writer? Perhaps it can be some sort of therapy for you.

[Poohbear76 in reply to Figgins42]

Hello and thank you ! No I am not a writer I left school with only a couple of exam . The childhood I had with an alcoholic mother meant I rarely went to school. Unfortunately my bus fare was often used for her drink. My uniform unwashed and my presence at home minding my small brother took precedence over school.

I do write to my parents who have both passed away. I find that by doing so it makes me feel a relief.

If you eat something that makes you unwell you feel better when your body gets rid of it.

My emotions feel like that, the angry abused little girl inside screams for attention. She shouts for recognition of the physical abuse that befell her. The neglect the helplessness she felt that overwhelmed her then.

Threatening to overwhelm me now.

I write to accept her,she is me and I am her, we are together I am now an adult. I can comfort her protect her memories give them a voice from a safe place, that place is grown up me.

I broke the cycle of abuse which was not something that was difficult for me to do. I hate seeing a child upset and often become triggered if I see an adult shout at a child.

Unfortunately, logic and reason are sometimes over rode. The inner turmoil and the trauma becomes part of my everyday. Those are the difficult times, the times when I want the loud to stop. Those days are what I write about. It really is alright to feel this way I am entitled.

I earned the right the little girl is part of me, I am part of her. I am proud of her of us. I we made a family out of love pure and beautiful love. I we made sure our children became our reason to live, our identity when we were unsure who we were. I am proud that I am a mother and that my children have me, and that brave little girl inside is proud too.

[Grateful71]

I know how you feel. My kids are now teenagers and it won't be long until they leave for college or university. I work but I find looking after my family more rewarding...maybe not for everyone but I love it! If I could afford to leave work I would. I also agree that being busy with family can keep demons at bay but I guess we all have to face them at some point 😔 I think I need to start making a life for myself, I know my kids will need me in some way for as long as I'm here but it's right they move on. Maybe we need to go with changes and accept them and try and find other fulfilling things and relationships 💛

[Poohbear76 in reply to Grateful71]

I think that it becomes more difficult to look at your own needs when you can busy yourself putting your children first. It kind of gives you a legitimate hiding place so you don't have to acknowledge the demons. I have survived alot of trauma I was catatonic at 19 after been raped abroad and hospitalised because of my injuries.

My children know nothing about this or what I endured as a child. I may one day share with them but that day has not yet come. I am stronger as I have had three years of trauma therapy.

I was able to learn to understand the effect my experience s had on my day to day life. I learnt that I had a right to be cared about. I was worth it worthy of love as much as my children. I learnt to stand up for all the little parts of me all shaped me into the person that I am now.

I think no matter what facing your demons is never easy but finding a way to acknowledge them is a good start.

I can accept change I do but I wish that I had all my children needing me like they did when they were little 😏

I think sometimes keeping busy leaves little or no time for reflection.

I am going to try to find something else to do maybe a night class ?

[Grateful71 in reply to Poohbear76]

You have indeed become a strong woman who has gone through an enormous amount of physical and emotional pain. It's easier to feel your value when your kids are young and need you but I know that the love and stability that we have given them is helping them to be strong independent, good people. I too had an alcoholic father and a mother who was too young to want to take responsibility for young children...it leaves it's mark but possibly makes us more consciousness mother's. Finding out who we are certainly takes a lifetime! and can be painful and tiring at times but I'm grateful for my family and the support I have here. Trying something new sounds like the way forward for me too 💛

[Poohbear76 in reply to Grateful71]

I am sorry you had an alcoholic father I know what issues that can bring. I think I just decided that !y mums way was not the right way. As horrible as this sounds the more she screamed at me to respect her the less I did.

I am trying to look forward and start my therapy (after a year off) again next month. It is hard and painful but it helps me make sense of things and it helps a lot.

I want to be a foster mother when I am done with my therapy.

I love children and feel like I would be good at understanding and have a lot of experience.

As for something for my mind and me I am thinking of a creative writing course?

Do you have any idea what you might like to do ?

[Grateful71 in reply to Poohbear76]

It sounds good that you feel ready to go back to therapy, I am hopeful for you that it helps 💓 I think I'd like to learn to sew! Something creative but useful, hoping it might also help me focus on just one thing at a time, helps me keep anxiety at bay 😒 my father passed away a few years ago and I'm still occasionally struck by the sadness that comes with my memories of him. Take care X