Feel like I don't have the skills needed to live life

[jasonbourne]

I've always been different in that I was a very quiet little boy which people found very strange. I did have good friends in my childhood but now a 42 year old, I don't have many opportunities to meet up with friends and don't feel as attached to them as I used to. As for making friends with new people, I find it almost impossible to do as I really just don't have the simple 'social skills' that people have of just being able to talk, relate and connect with each other. I feel like I just don't have much to talk to people about beyond the usual hi how are you type of chitchat.

I've always admired how people can just talk about complete nonsense but enjoy the connection that they have. I am able to do this with very specific people but this makes life very difficult as it makes me very frustrated when I can't do this with people who I work with on a regular basis.

I started a new job 4 months ago and am really struggling to make connections with people whereas I see people who have started after me but they seem to have integrated a lot more than I have. This frustration then leads to paranoia where I worry that maybe I'll lose my job because I'm not able to integrate into the team.

This feeling also triggers a lot of my negative thoughts about life in general and what I've been able to achieve in my life and makes me feel that I'm a failure and don't feel like living anymore.

I wonder if others have this type of issue and any advice on how to deal with it. I've tried to be more social and get on with people but at my age now I just feel hopeless and feel this is just me and I can't fix this. I sometimes feel like I don't care that I can't connect with people as I do have people who I do have good connection with (wife, kids, few very good friends) but trying to live life requires you to be able to do this and not being able to do it is so frustrating and leads to such low mood.

I'm probably just autistic but I've never had the diagnosis and don't really see much point in that.

[Afrohair]

It Dosent sound like your autistic at all just have trouble adapting to new situations and take a bit longer my son seemed to have this when he was younger in the end I found out he just really didn’t like the environment he was in and he wasn’t fussed on the people either sometimes we connect with people sometimes we don’t .4 months is still quite new I’m almost 2 year into my job and there’s just people I don’t connect with and I’m not really fussed the issue is that it bothers you that you can’t connect I might be on the wrong page with what your saying but you’ve got to stop beating yourself up over it or practice coming out of your shell you can start of by saying hello and smiling at people using eye contact .if there’s people you don’t talk to start by saying hello don’t push conversation it feels forced and can scare people start of small friendships take time

[jasonbourne in reply to Afrohair]

Thanks for your reply. I've never had trouble with the niceties like smiling and saying hello. I'd say people would say I'm very pleasant but it's moving beyond the niceties. And also I'm not bothered about making connections with lots of people but people that I work closely with. I wish I could connect more with them. Some days I feel like I've not had any real interaction or connection with the people that are in my team. Yes you're absolutely right that it hasn't been very long. 3 months (I wrote 4 months by mistake) is really not a long time in a new job but it's just frustrating me so much recently. I hope it gets better.

[Lulububs]

I think it very hard in this day and age to make new friends, people generally already have there click and dont wana make new ones or if like u and me ur abit awkward it rubs of , it almost like people can smell the awkwardness on u and keep a distance.

I always had loadsa friends... was popular right up to late 20s then had a family bereavement and it changed me totally... i became anxious and awkward.. the me of old the vivacious, funny, out going, life and soul of any party just went....

I have just accepted at 45 this is the new me, after accepting i have 3 good friends and a husband who love me , 2 dogs i adore, a lovely house and a job that i hate but it pays my bills ... once u accept it and feel “ i dont really care about making friends “ and if im abit awkward SO WHAT....

It makes u interesting and it makes you YOU!

Im so fed up of feeling like i got to people please, once i stopped u get inner peace

[jasonbourne in reply to Lulububs]

I can really relate to some of the things you've mentioned. Like how you were very different in your 20s. I've never a the life of a party type person but I have changed a lot since my 20s and one of the biggest triggers for that change was when I my wife had some major health issues which really affected me in terms of the impact it had as her carer. I feel like that changed me forever. I feel quite down sometimes when I think about the person I used to be vs the person I am now. I feel frustrated that life took the turns that it did which have made me who I am today but I know that is just life. Also I know I have a lot of positives in my life so I'd be very ungrateful if I complained about the bad without also taking into account all the good.

And I can relate to people smelling the awkwardness lol. I don't think that I'm that socially awkward, just a much more reserved person but maybe other people do see me that way and avoid talking to me. I do get that feeling at times.

And a really good point about not letting this get to me. I don't know why I can't let it go. Generally I'm ok with it but at times it just gets me down so much that I just can't connect with people.

Thanks for your reply, much appreciated.

[Lulububs in reply to jasonbourne]

No probs.

I can totally relate thats why i answered.

I think as we get older things are defo sent to test us and as they do we change with them..

Ur prob a much stronger person then u were back then if not a little battered and realise life isnt all great and u become more realistic in life..

I think to myself this had happened and that happened and yeh it was really bad BUT i got through it and it made us what we are NOW....

If u work with people younger then u or that havent had much life tests they will b what u were BACK THEN...

There learn lol.....

we all become more battle worn as things happen but stronger...

I just think “ it could b worse”!

Also i learnt to recognise when it is getting to much for me and i see a therapist.. even if it just once a month or once a year. It so i can sound off about life in private... it takes a strong person to admit there finding it hard and seeking help then just brushing it under carpet

[MissMoto007]

I can totally identify with your post .. I also feel I should be living in a different world. I'm 66 now (going on 30!!) and autism 'wasn't a thing' when I was growing up .. I was just a solitary child who didn't like noise or the games my peers wanted to play. I was self-contained and didn't need company - but because of low self-esteem, desperately wanted people to like me and so I strove for perfection in everything.

I have 2 boys from my first marriage and my second marriage failed acrimoniously - neither time was my fault, but certainly knocked my confidence and self-image.

But after getting so low that I couldn't cope, I went to my GP and was referred for one-to-one counselling, which has shown me how to plan my recovery - it won't be easy and I get days when I get overwhelmed, and it won't be quick, but I do see how easy steps will help me rebuild a stronger Me.

You're not alone, and sharing with people who understand on this forum can only be a good thing

[NeuronerdDoaty]

I suck at life. I just do. I’m great at my career.

Really though how good do I have to be if I’m doing my best? That’s all. Took me years to figure that out.

I suck at check books and driving and house work and marriages and friendships and apparently parenting my oldest and house training dogs grocery shopping and cooking. I could go on but you get the point. I’m not sure I care. Well now that I’m old enough to get senior discounts I don’t care but I’ve always sucked at what others thought I should be.

I’m fine with myself.

[jasonbourne in reply to NeuronerdDoaty]

I like that. I'm going to think that over and see if that helps. I do wonder why I let myself get so worked up over certain things that are related to what I should be, especially when I myself am actually ok with it or not that bothered about it. But for some reason I do get worked up over it. I'd love to be able to not care but I just don't seem to be able to do it.

[sweetiepye]

You have the skills to lead your life. The problems happen when we try to live life according to someone else's plan.