Tired/Defeated

[NL93]

It’s hard to not be continually anxious, on high alert, or triggered when seemingly you become the outcast every.single.time you attempt to be social, have the courage to get out there and “just be yourself.”

I do have GAD. So, I know my thoughts and perceptions of things around me are sometimes, okay often and especially right now, clouded by my stressed and over-analytical mind. I get counseling, mindfulness, medicine, accupuncture, breathing, holistic medicines, trusted family/partner/friends - been there, done that..and I’ve got some great tools...but it’s hard not to have a pervasive and profound sadness along with a high level anxiety/panic when yet again it’s seemingly you that is the problem (common theme) and recently, everyone has yet again, apparently, turned their backs.

You’d think, with the holidays, and people knowing you are alone, in a new place, that there would be kindness. Instead, you’re stood up not once, not twice, but three times by one person, politely declined (overly so) by another and flatly ignored by the rest - despite the, “let’s get together” falsities. These same people who were eager to get to know you before you apparently pulled an invisible faux pas of epic proportions. One that you will try to identify and understand, with every ounce of your energy.

It’s difficult not to take all of the blame, to not take it personally all of the time. It’s impossible not to analyze and reanalyze everything you said or did for signs of why you seem to just not be an accepted person - even while everyone around you fits nicely into the mix or your told you’re great only to be left out in the cold. It’s horrible to go back into the dark pool of feeling absolutely insignificant, stupid, worthless, pretty much any word in the dictionary that expresses you’re nothing. It’s hard to attempt to grab the edges of said pool and try to pull yourself up and listen to the “it’s not you it’s them” “you’re a good person” when literally every new person you meet finds you unpalatable. If it weren’t the case, if I wasn’t a horrible person, then why is it I alienate everyone around me?

I’m just tired. I’m defeated. I’m even more ashamed to be so upset by something so insignificant in the grand scheme of things...but my mind just doesn’t want to give me any peace or quiet, no matter what breathing position I take, or Netflix show I watch or book I read, or self pep talk I give or learned therapy tool I pull out or walk I take.

Sorry. I just needed to get that out...into the universe. Since at this point my partner has also had it with the conversations and sadness, despite his best efforts.

[help_each_other]

I am so sorry you feel that way. I very much identify with you: feeling that I’m a nice person and after people leave me out in the cold. You sound to have some good tools around you, my only advice to try to quickly minimize your time with those who are not nice to you, for whatever Irrational reason, and spend more time with those who are nice to you. There are many people in the world and even if only a small part would treat you fairly that should be money

[help_each_other in reply to help_each_other]

Many not money

[car103]

I also identify with your post. It sounds like me. I don't have an answer. My response is that I'm going to push through a little stronger today because I'm not the only one in this battle. I hope we both feel better.

[NL93 in reply to car103]

Hope your push through day has gone well. I’ve also tried to get myself up and doing stuff. Cooking helped a ton this afternoon!

[Itsjustmeagain]

Hi, I completely relate to you, hope you can find some relief.

I have no words of wisdom just it's there loss often the nicest ppl are left out or behind. Perhaps because of the other people's own self guilt or whatever. I once had a person ( ex- husband) tell me that I was too nice the felt like they could never show me there true self and that's why they left me out if everything. So sometimes it's not us it's really them. And the fact we self hate makes it easy to blame ourselves instead of where true blame lyes

Best of luck to you.

[NL93]

Thank you for your response! It’s helped to realize through this site that I’m not alone. I think you’re right on with the self-hate being a contributor.

[Annah33]

I can relate to you. I have PSP and I feel the same. You certainly know who your real true friends are.Even my small family don't understand what is happening with me and I rarely see them now. I feel isolated and I feel it must be my fault. I now have only 2 true friends but one of them lives along way from me and now my speech is failing me it is more difficult to keep in touch. It isn't our fault we live with these evil conditions but I feel it is . I live on my nerves and on high alert for the next thing that will happen to me. I can't relax. If there is anyone out there who could help. Love to youxx