Feeling Insecure

[JM1064]

Does anyone else ever feel so insecure that your chest just feels heavy and you feel defeated thinking that maybe you’ll really never beat it? My biggest insecurities come from dating- not because my partner makes me feel insecure (I have the most loving boyfriend who always does whatever he can to reassure me) but because of my own obsessive negative thoughts.

I struggle with retroactive jealousy, I have posted about it before, meaning I can never fully shut off my obsessive and spiraling thoughts about my boyfriend’s past. This in itself makes me feel stupid and silly, because I know there are more important things to focus on and I have a past of my own as well. I feel like no one understands. But even still, maybe someone can offer some insight or can relate even just a little bit.

Right now I can figure out the trigger of the problem- which sometimes I cannot. But currently I am feeling insecure because my boyfriends mom is so overly friendly to my boyfriends ex. I used to go back on Facebook and look at their past interactions, them saying they loved each other, how lucky she (my boyfriends Mom) was to have her (his ex). And I knew this was extremely unhealthy for me so I stopped. However, now the problem is current. My bf’s mom and sister in law is always still liking her things, commenting on some stuff. I know this isn’t a big deal, but half the time she doesn’t even interact with me.

My boyfriend reassures me that she is going through her own issues. He also reminds me they were together for 2 years, I just met her 3 months ago and we have time to bond. But I think it’s the fact that I feel disrespected, like she is an exception. Why can’t she at least be friendly to me? One time she didn’t even say hello to me in person. I have done nothing wrong, at all, I would admit if I did. I wish she knew how this affects me mentally, and even more so I wish she knew how much I love and care for her son. I am feeling so low and insecure that I’ve hit the point where trying feels so pointless that I don’t want to anymore.

Any advice? This is embarrassing for me to talk about so please be gentle with me.

[Windyred]

I think it’s natural for some of us to want people to like us. I struggle with that too. Thinking if I just knew the secret action I could do to make them like me or adore me. But I’ve come to the realization that most times it’s not me, it’s them and there’s nothing I can do to change anything. All I can do is be my best self. Time changes a lot of things. Hopefully his ex will move on and so will his mom over time. She may be mourning the relationship as she developed feelings for this ex too. But eventually she will move on just as he has. Wishing you a good day!!

[YouareBeloved99]

Aww, that sounds so hard! I'm so sorry. I'm also glad that you reached out. Talking about it and getting it out is good for you. Our minds can sometimes be our own worst enemy. It is often a constant battle for me as well. One thing I've found helpful is to take my thoughts captive when they come. As soon as I find myself thinking about something like that, I try to instantly stop it and replace it with something else. For me, I direct my mind to the Bible verse that says "Set your mind on things above." I also like the one that says, "He will keep you in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Him." It could be other things as well. The point is to consciously stop yourself when you find your mind going to a dark place and try to redirect it. Sometimes moving physically helps as well. Like, if you're laying in bed and the thoughts come, turn over and lay on the other side while redirecting your thoughts.

It might also be helpful to unfollow his mom on social media for a little bit until you're able to get a better handle on things. It's understandable to want her to like you and to be bothered when she seems to like his ex better than you. I would feel the exact same way, honestly. I'm not sure what kind of person she is but maybe when you're around her, try to make the first move. Say hi to her first. Ask her how she's doing or make conversation. Not to win her approval, but just to be the bigger person in all of this. Just because she's the mom, doesn't mean she is the better person. That has taken me a while to learn. Your feelings are just as valid as hers. It could also be that since she just met you recently that she just doesn't know what to say. There could be many reasons other than "she likes her better."

You sound like a very kind and caring person. I pray that you will find some comfort and peace.