I don't understand what I did wrong...

[writer21]

I try not to think about him. But I can't help it sometimes. I replay all of the memories over and over in my mind and I am still convinced that we truly loved each other. I am sure that he really did love me but I don't understand what I did wrong in the end. The last couple nights I have had dreams about him. I don't remember what they were about I just know that he was in them, like I could distinctly tell that it was him in my dreams. And this morning, I was thinking about us and all of our intimate moments that we had together. I remember what he likes when being intimate. I loved to run my fingers through his hair and play with it. He loved to tickle me just to hear me laugh, even though I hated it when he would tickle me. He would always sing to me and it was always this one song: "In Case You Didn't Know" by Brett Young. It was always that one song, sometimes other songs but always that one. And that song is about a guy not being able to tell a girl what's on his mind about her so he puts it in a song and he tells her that he is crazy about her, that he couldn't live without her, and that she had his heart from the beginning. That is the song that he would always sing to me. And I absolutely loved it when he sang, he had the best singing voice. And with that song I feel that he was always trying to tell me those things but he couldn't so he would just sing that song. I swear that we were truly in love. But I must've done something wrong for him to not love me anymore. I don't understand what happened to us. I have tried to understand. I have asked him to tell me what happened so that I can understand, but he would ghost me. He wouldn't tell me anything. Just that we aren't getting back together and that I have become psychotic because I care too much about him. He is acting like he hates me and I don't know what I did wrong. I know that I didn't do anything to him to make him act this way toward me. I just don't understand!! I hate not understanding things.

I am positive that he will realize his mistake once he has sorted his life out. He will realize that he has lost the one person who showed him what it was like to be loved and cherished the way that he should be. And when he does realize that it will be too late. I am angry at him most days and I am wishing that karma will be delivered to him soon. I am trusting in God to fight this battle for me because that is all I have left. I can't do anything but have faith that God will make everything better soon. I believe in giving people second chances and I have thought that maybe I would give him a second chance because maybe he would change if he actually wanted to be with me. But I don't think that he would change. He has had bad experiences with people from his past saying that they could change but they never did, so I think that effected him in a way that he wouldn't change for someone if they can't change for him. But people really do change. I know that I have changed over the years. Everyone has changed because of something happening to them in their past. I fear that he wouldn't change at all for me and that makes me think that he never wanted me in the first place.

I am tired of fighting to stay in someone's life, for once I want to be fought for. I want someone to fight to keep me. I want to be needed. I want someone to be scared of losing me. He once said that he was scared of losing me. He told me that on the night I moved to college. He said that he was scared of losing me and he didn't want to grow apart and that we would conquer the world together and when I graduate it would be us together, in an apartment starting our new life together like it should be. He built up my dreams of us being together but he threw them in the trash when he broke my heart. I just don't understand what I did wrong for him to act this way.

[NWGal]

There's no reason to think YOU did something wrong. Maybe this relationship wasn't the right one. You should never feel like you need to fight to have someone love you my friend.

[writer21 in reply to NWGal]

Thank you. I know that I will find the right person who will love me with me fighting for their love. I am just tired of being in so much pain over this one relationship.

[cclun200]

Sounds like the pain is real because you have been promised so much and feel totally abandoned. I am sorry. But do you think you can just let this go and move on? Focusing your life on someone who does not want to be with you will not change him. And even if he really does change, do you think you can trust that he will always be there? He has obviously broken his promise big time, and you think you can trust him again?

[writer21 in reply to cclun200]

I am learning to let him go and am slowly moving on. I am kind of focusing my emotion on anger toward him. I am angry that he took advantage of my love and hurt me so badly and broke his promise to me and I am angry that, deep down, I care about him. I know that I care about him a lot and I wish that I didn't. I don't know if I could trust him again. I don't know if I would give him another chance.

[Ardraven]

I'm sorry to be blunt, it's late here and I'm tired, but remember you have value as a person as much as he does. You've put him on a pedestal and that means that raised him above you but you deserve to be just as important. Concentrate on living your life to the fullest for a while. If it's meant to be he'll come back and maybe there'll be a more equal commitment or just maybe while you're concentrating on yourself you'll meet someone even better and who values you as much as you value them. If he can't come back and commit that's a shame when you obviously have strong feelings for him but it's his loss not yours.

I'm not judging you for how you feel right now though, this is the voice of experience talking, I've been there more than once.