Aware, but not in Control

I'm posting this as a post, and not a question, because I intend on bringing these thoughts to my therapist during our next session. I just wanted to see if anyone out there in the world is feeling the same way.

A week ago, I found myself lying awake in my bed, sifting through and processing my behavior and emotions. It feels like a ritual at this point. These evenings introduce themselves predictably, right when I feel my Wellbutrin wearing off. It starts with apathy, then contemplation, then suddenly I'm overwhelmed with guilt, regret, feelings of detachment and loneliness.

I think about how I never respond to my friends' texts or phone calls, or avoid my boss at work when I know he's trying to look out for me. My brain puts me in this cycle, where I feel like I get angry and lash-out on my friends and manager too often, despite them constantly telling me that I never "hurt" them or let them down. Regardless, my brain invents these overemotional, dramatic narratives and writes them off as truth. The moments I think of are small, trivial memories where I felt I could have done better, or have been more supportive, or used a more tactful word choice in my conversation; nothing that warrants grudges or harsh judgement towards either party.

My therapist has been encouraging to explore more creative outlets in order to develop a better relationship with my emotions--good AND bad. I learned that instead of suffering through sleepless nights, caused by anxiety, which is caused by Major Depression, I should instead write these narratives in a word document until I fall asleep. I can reread these thoughts in the morning, and realize how silly they sound.

But even with my coping strategy, I feel so helpless being self-aware of it all. Why is it that despite me KNOWING and BELIEVING that these narratives my brain produces are lies, he continues writing them? Why is it that I'm AWARE that I inflate trivial issues and blow them out of proportion, but romanticize the issue anyway? Why is it that when my friends and manager tell me that I'm valuable, important, intelligent, positive, and worthy of life, that I BELIEVE them, but I never FEEL it? Why am I so aware of my problems, but I feel incapable of being in control of them?

I feel like my brain is two people. Each side of my brain is aware of what the other is up to. My compassionate side is building defenses: practicing self-love, remembering to take my meds, journaling, scheduling therapy sessions. But the other side of my brain is strong enough to tear down these defenses: sabotaging relationships, burning bridges, avoiding goals I set out for myself, then getting angry and acting out when I don't get what I want, instead of being patient or understanding. It feels like they're constantly fighting, and I just want to breathe and think about nothing.

Why do I feel so aware, but out of control?

[princesshalss]

Wow, it’s crazy to know someone can feel EXACTLY how I feel. I always felt like I’m the only one who feels this way. You’ve perfectly explained it and it’s hard putting this feelings into words. I hate explaining it to someone I’m close with because I know they won’t understand and it can be frustrating.