Finding it hard to ignore my thoughts

[Raaabbit]

Things have been bad for a long time. My wife was struggling with addiction did a lot of things that hurt everyone. We have been struggling to work on trying to save our marriage. She is sober but I have become someone I never wanted to be. I'm ruining my kids because I yell a lot they don't listen or respect me or my wife. They don't respect each other and I yell because of the way they treat each other. Today everyone in my house hates me and I'm wondering why I'm even here. I love my family so damn much kids are so smart and kind and just great kids for everyone else. Literally everyone in my house hates me and I hate myself. I hate what I'm doing to my kids and I don't sleep very much anymore because of it all. It's getting hard to not listen to the voices anymore...

[PNIAuthor60]

Sounds familiar but what was your wife's addiction if I may ask? How long has she been sober? Is she receiving treatment for her addiction?

During your wife's struggle with addiction, what support did you have for yourself? Have you ever considered grief counselling and grieving the toil a loved one's addiction of any kind can have on someone else in the family. Addiction is a family issue because it impacts everyone else in the family.

Yelling solves nothing except that you are releasing pent-up anger, frustration, bitterness and resentment - in fact, I would hazard to guess that depending on how long you were affected by your spouse's addiction that you are functioning on your last nerve and your kids tip the scales because you don't have any patience reserved for them.

Sobriety can be it own issue because it means learning to deal with a saner person sometimes but an altogether different person from the addicted person when it felt that life was lived on eggshells. It can be disorienting.

It sounds like you are both committed to your marriage so perhaps family counselling would give everyone a chance to work through their feelings and gain some understanding as to how you are feeling and why and for you to understand the children - you don't say how old they are - if alcohol was the addiction there is a great program called Al-anon that you could still attend and depending on the ages of your children ALateen is for children whose parent(s) may have a drinking problem.

Be gentle with yourself, find the support you may require and know that the thoughts are only that and not necessarily reflective of reality. A therapist can help so make the investment in yourself and get help - your family will benefit in the long run and your relationships will naturally improve.

I wish you well in your recovery.