I don't know if you guys feel the same as me, but I see myself as a split personality in my mind. My therapist told me it was a way to compartmentalize what I was feeling to help me deal with stuff. I told her that my symptoms were characters in my head, each jockeying for position. There are a few I'm sure you know, anxiety is always worrying and jumping at every damn noise. She likes to wring her hands a lot and thinks she's in a thriller movie. Depression, is always a mess, tired, dragging her ass around in pj's and slippers wondering what else she can eat. I have a taskmaster too. She wears a tight bun and glasses, like a sadistic librarian with a riding whip. There's an angry one that has the power of tornados like a Tasmanian devil just waiting to tear a room apart (that's manic). Then there are kind, loving, playful, compassionate, thoughtful, giving, and empathetic. These characters are some of my mental family, and they are in a constant battle. When I'm ok they're all kind of co-existing, like when the kids are having a good time together quietly just chillin' watching a movie. But, even though I've been training the dark ones to play nice, they are like sharks, and the moment a trigger occurs, that's blood in the water. The gloves come off and it's time to have a fight in the back seat of the station wagon I'm driving. The thing is, when I'm "feeling these emotions" I don't have that mom thing called control. But, when I see these b*tches acting up because I'm having a vulnerable moment while in the grocery store, I'm in movie mode watching this crap while I'm driving, and I reserve the right to say, "don't let make me pull over and whip somebody's ass!" That gives them a moment of pause and just enough time for me to collect and bring me back to now. Where I'm in the bathroom, drying off from a shower and making sure to get dry between my toes. I gives me time to take a breath and realize the way the fan buzzes as it moves the moist air out of the vent. It brings me back to now when I'm only cutting up some veggies for dinner. You see, when I see my emotions as characters (siblings if you will) that try and torture me, it helps me to be able to tell them to f*k off. No it's not a magic "cure" and sometimes it just is what it is and they freaking just melt me down. But the more I practice, the quicker my recovery time is. And sometimes I even let myself imagine stopping the car and whipping some ass old school style lol. I don't know you guys, but I love you because I think you'll understand. Today is the four-month anniversary of my mom's passing. With Love Always...AU
It's Four Months Today: I don't know if... - Anxiety and Depre...
It's Four Months Today
(((((((( ❤️)))))))
You read widely, watch movies,comic strips. All these characters seem to be fragments of your memories in a mind merge. Lack of sleep might make these characters come alive. Those early months of losing someone make your thoughts stray back to them. In these moments you see aspects of your own personality and those of your mother. Popular culture plays a part in our learning experiences so they are subliminal references. Telling these characters to take a running jump is a way of control. You might find listening to music may divert these thoughts as your brain assimilates the rythmn. and emotion of the song. Tapping a spoon to the beats of the music or clapping your hands might also be a way of diverting visual and auditory association. Some politicians can help insommnia as do tv shopping channels promotions on late night television. Sure your therapist will help you. This is a period of inward grieving where your thoughts are too deep for tears. You don't want to upset others and may find it too painful to talk with others who are grieving. Take care 1 caring personality.
Hi Birman,
Thank you for your response. I appreciate your suggestions, but I give my emotions characters because it helps me process the fact that I am me, and they are just feelings. Yes, I'm grieving, and I have to pay attention to that, but taking a step back and looking at myself in the way I described actually helps. I do feel like my emotions try to take over, but while the emotion is something not tangable in my head, it's more of a monster. When I step back and deal with them as pain in the asses, I feel better about letting the crap go. It's not conventional, I mean REALLY unconventional, but it helps. I'm not the only one that feels this way. There is a young woman by the name of Tiffany Jenkins. She has video vlogs, Instagram and FB pages where she creates skits regarding, depression, anxiety, addiction, parenting, relationships and more. She's hilarious and a bit different than me, but very similar. Actually, I suggest you guys take a look at her. She's as real as you can get and her story is inspiring. Thanks again Birman, you're a good egg 
WLA...AU
Yeh being off the wall is normal ..it is not a sign of a personality disorder..guess you can write good scripts..
Thanks Birman,
Thanks what pretty much happens in my head stuff for Netflix. Maybe I could off my depressions! lol WLA...AU
We have Miranda Hart who is funny with her anxiety control trying to avoid trigger words by avoidance . Other female comediennes go into graphic detail of their anxieties and self perception. This makes me laugh ..that's what makes the world go round. Your demons sound a friendly bunch but do they go away with your nightly cocoa? Went on a knitting course staying with a friend in a dingy green painted bedroom with a green bathroom suite had nightmares waking up my friend with blood cuddling screams..dont think learned much on the course. ha.
Hey Bir,
I have to look up those girls! I love comedy, but most female comedians are ehh for me lol I don't know why. I think they want to compete with the guys so much that they feel they have to be over the top with the graphics on sex so graphics on anxiety aint that bad lol
WLA...AU
Sarah Milligan is very funny . She does stand up comedy is earthy and huggingly funny as she related her intimate problems and reveals her relationships when she is away for six months and hardly gets a wave goodbye. Will look up Tiffany as she has so many videos it must cost a fortune in subscriptions. Bir.
Took a brief look at Tiffanys recovery. Guess you may have had problems similar to hers. She had the chance of happiness and a family. She looks real and is not telling lies. I can see though it is hard being stuck with circumstances where you can never bridge between success and notoriety . It is the luck of the draw if you ever be rewarded for your talents or have time to develop them with the demands of kids. Guess you have this creative talent too. Let's hope you will see some reward from your writing. From a good egg.
Omgosh Bir,
I wrote back to you last night but I guess I was so sleepy I didn't hit the reply key! Dopey. lol Yeah, Tiffany hits a lot of points that resonate with me. My younger sister told me about her a few months ago, and I joined her thousands of subscribers. She is a brave woman, right? I so admire people who find the courage to look at their "demons" straight in the face and share it with others. One thing I learned and truly abide by is putting things into the light. Our dark sides love it where they live, in the dark. They can be big, menacing, overpowering, and destructive there. I learned that we can call Bullsh*t and turn the light on, and I'll be damned that's what I'm doing!
I'll look into that comedian chick you mentioned, I'd love to add to the list of comedians I love
WLA...AU
Love the light and dark insight ..things are always worse when it's dark. It takes a long while to adjust after a loss. They are always in your mind but you have to think of the present . Talk to them if you want ..who cares unless the postman knocks. Turning the light on means logic reason which is definable but how can your emotions be defined turned on or off with a switch? I feel better with daylight and dry weather so guess I am a hibernator feeling low without light and warmth.
I feel you Bir,
I don't dare even think about trying to turn anything on or off with a switch. It just doesn't work that way. I just give my emotions characters to give them their way. That way the have an "embodiment" that's not me. I mean that doesn't mean that they wont enjoy being "the boss of me" better, but it's like compromising with them. Like telling them, you've got your place and yeah I'll pay attention to you, BUT don't get greedy! I give a shit about the postman, me and him got a connection! lol He's a good guy and looks out.
I'm a fire baby too, so I get the whole shortening days and dank weather blues. I have a love-hate relationship with the fall and winter, much like my dark and light sides. I have to tolerate you cause neither one of us is going anywhere. lol
Where do you live? I'm in Jersey but I was born and raised in the boogie down.
WLA...AU
Which Jersey. Not New Jersey.? Live in Wales notorious for rainfall. Like you am ambivalent about weather but like photography so enjoy the light and dark shades as they reflect our own moods. We live on a peninsular so we head for the sun as it changes from one side to another. Jersey sounds great but heard you don't get nhs help .
Watched a film called Spy a spoof where Miranda Hart has a comedy part. A really hilarious take of miss average trying to be an agent. You don't need to stop analysis of human behaviour it is a protective shield as you had someone who was picking on you.She was trying to assert her dominance over you and may be you recognised this as a similar trait to your mum. You hàd and still have ambivalent feelings towards those who hurt you. Your sensitivity comes out in your writing and this is you..creative funny..it takes a long while to get over these feelings but you have to let go of the past and move on. Perhaps you can make a sentimental box of photos cards letters or good memories you have of the past. When you are ready to open the box after you have shut away these keepsakes you will know you have moved on. Take care. B.
I love your way of expressing your emotions as well your writing. Thanks for sharing!
Hi Warrior,
Thank you for the compliment I appreciate it and am happy you enjoy my "nutballness" (hoping they add that to Websters dictionary) lol Please do stick around
With Love Always...AU
Wow! I have a character too! I've only discovered one that I can remember and I can see him so clearly now.... He is distress... He has a long jaw and he puts his fingers (of his whole hand) on the bottom jaw.... Kinda hanging with a very distressed look on his face. Wow! You've just helped me identify a character through sharing yours so thank you. You make me laugh. You're definitely Sunshine. With regards to your Mom, I'm learning that there is no loss but I totally empathise with your loss as we do feel it. There is also a beautiful quote from Byron Katie that may help with inspiration.... People that die must absolutely love where they are because they never come back to tell us. ❤️✌️
Hi Magic 
It's it curious how we can do that? I mean as soon as I started treating my feelings like people instead of these malevolent ghost shrouds that were trying to envelop me, it was easier for me to turn around and face them. That might now work for everyone, but I'm glad it helped you discover that distressed guy so you can smack him lol
WLA...AU
Yeah, that's really a different way of looking at the feelings. I have animated characters enlightening me as well... It's like a story comic strip that goes on when the light switch in my head goes on.... You know those epiphany 💥 moments (click - Aaaaaahhhh) !!!?😂 Yeah, I love that The Universe has an amaaaaaaaazing sense of humour. ✌️
I just have one really mean person in my head who is always beating me up and another sad person desperately trying to talk over the mean one. The mean one has been winning for a long time and I want to change this.
Hey book… I don’t have a lot of sadness but three or four particular people I get very angry at… And then I feel regret. I did some research and although not commonly talked about anger is fairly common with depression and anxiety and for me in particular these people I feel miss treated me so it is a defense mechanism to try to protect yourself. I find avoiding triggers i.e. those people ... helps.
Daisy Girl,
I know how you feel about people in real life, although the people I was referring to in this post were well... let's just call them my imaginary not so friendly friends lol I've had my run-in with people that for no apparent reason hate my guts. The newly appointed manager at my latest job was one of them. She's a shrew though like I'm not even kidding. I mean I treat everyone with love and if they ruin it by being capital A-holes then it's over. This chick though, she was out to get me. She hated my sally sunshine and gravitated to me only when I started having significant troubles in my life. Succubus Extraudinare. Damn I gave her a lot of names just then lol I don't see her anymore, thank the heavens! You're right to avoid Daisy. People like that are lost, souls.
WLA...AU
Hey Book,
I totally get you. Those two are pretty common and strong. The thing is you know they are there, but you have to get to the root of why. I believe that will help you to face them, then things will start to get better. Mind you they never go away, but they won't take up so much of your headspace. Have you taken the step to try and talk to someone professional? It's helping me. Oh! And being here with these wonderful folks to support us helps so much too.
With Love Always....AU
I think you should stop characterizing and categorizing every single faucet of your personality into some separate category.
If you continue doing this, you may actually develop some real mental shit.
.
Easy to say, right, but let me tell you an example - I too often caught myself being "one man" with some people, and a different person with others. Much like my good friend - he is a sociopath and very blunt and almost afraid to express himself when he is with his parents. And then within our group he is a bit talkative, a bit camp (not gay, just camp) and overall fun person.
So. I searched my mind - why do I do this? It is like trying to look cool in front of a girl, while you otherwise are quite uncool.
.
And I decided that it is all fear of genuinely expressing yourself as a human being (quote B.Lee) . I started to carefully lower my "pretentiousness" with ALL SORTS OF GROUPS - friends, parents, work mates, when I meet strangers e.g. girls or business people, when I date for the first time with a new person, when I do something publicly.
And I felt a major burden leave me, as I could be genuine all the time. Not only people eventually accept you for who you are, they actually are even more interested now, that you aren't always friendly, but sometimes an asshole. And there was no need to pretend to be better or different with anyone - people are super ok with whoever you are. and once that BURDEN leaves you you will actually enjoy life a lot more, and will in return become a GENUINELY better person.
So that's my view on "split personalities". They all can be "cured" simply by not giving a fuck at first and then using all that extra energy to naturally become better
Hey Quitter,
Thank you for you're input. I have to tell you the best part is the not giving a f*k about stuff so much. I've always cared to much about most things, and it was exhausting and then I'd get to tired to give a f*k about anything (thats when depression set in). I think I might have written the post in a way that confused (well guys mostly) lol The girls seem to get that I'm not really split or worried about being split. I simply categorized my emotions and give them characteristics to express and be able to face them as normal people and not demon monsters who are stronger than I am. See that's been the trouble in my head. Feeling a lack of control over my emotions. When I set them as characters then I can mentally slap the one that's getting out of line like Cher slaps Nicholas Cage in Moonlight. *slap!* Snap out of it! lol
None of my characters take over in real life, they all just hang out in my head and try to make me feel less than, stupid and awkward.
You are right though, the moment I was able to face them I became more authentic, and a more genuine me. I can tell my head family to bugger off and keep sh*t moving lol
Thanks again and I hope to see your font soon.
With Love Always...AU
I am very sorry to hear that you lost your Mother. I lost my mother and I know how difficult this can be. We never stop missing them.
I must commend you on your writing! You are very talented! Do you enjoy writing?
Are you able to see a psychiatrist regularly? Have you been treated with any medication that helps your dark and negative thoughts?
I have suffered off and on for several years with depression and anxiety. It can be so debilitating! I have an identical twin sister who also has depression and anxiety. It seems to run on my Father's side of the family.
You take good care and most definitely keep up your amazing talent for writing.
Hi Bippy (such a cute one!)
Thank you for the condolences. I try not to think about it too much, because it was such a mess of so many ugly variables that it just makes me sigh. The one thing I have to say that makes me beleive in the "other side" is that mom said "they pushed me back down here and it's awful." Mom burned a LOT of bridges and caused a LOT of hardship through the years. It tore our family apart, but we let everything go and rallied together for her in the end. I beleive she was about to pass, but wasn't able to until she finished the job of our healing. So, I guess she did the job she was meant to do. Btw, my brother, sister and older daughter suffer from mental struggles. It runs from my mother. I love the fact that you're a twin. So special. I'm sorry that she struggles too. Maybe, you can share the good stuff you get from here with her!
I do love writing, and I try my best to describe things in a way that causes people to visualize things. I do it so that people can see the way I see, and then see things in their own lives. I mean not so that they get delusional or anything lol, but so that take the opportunity to be more open to things in their lives. That way what they face may not be so scary.
I do go to a therapist once a week, but I can't take SSRI's because I get very significant adverse affects. So, basically all I have is me, and you guys now lol. This place has helped me so much in such a short time, you have no idea.
You keep taking care of yourself too Bips! I look forward to hearing from you again.
With Love Always...AU
Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love) describes what you do in a Ted Talk as a way of managing one’s creative genius. You might like to look it up.
Yours is an amazingly imaginative and inspiring piece of writing. I hope there’s more.
Hi Chris,
Thank you for responding. How interesting! I'll have to look her up, or if you have the link please post it for easier access (that's lazy talking lol) I absolutely LOVE Ted Talks! That's where I saw Brene Brown for the first time! I always thought of my self as crafty, you know arts and crafts, and DIY's lol but creative genius? eehh (and there's insecurity chiming in lol) I truly appreciate the love and support I get from all of you that take the time to write to me. My journal never did that! I mentioned in one of my posts that I came here because my journal didn't write back I think you'll see more from me because I don't stop thinking, and though today I posted something I wasn't intending on writing. I will be posting about my mental family that I'm sure I will share soon.
With Love Always...AU
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