I feel like I’m on the verge of a major mental breakthrough but whenever I get too close to it my brain stumbles and falls out of my ears because it can’t quite grasp what the universe is telling it. Depression aside, It’s clear that I’ve been doing things wrong most of my life or I wouldn’t have spent so much of it quite so completely miserable.
Simply put I feel like the universe is punishing me for not being an *^%*^%. Sure I have my moments, everyone does.... but all I’ve really wanted in life is to have one other person as devoted to me as I am to them so we can be alone together with our little family and be happy because that’s all we need.
I have based my entire life around finding that, making it work and making the best of things.... but it feels like I’ve been constantly punished for being too sensitive to things. Feeling alone while surrounded by people, being around people’s negativity, putting more effort in than people give in return, never having my needs met because I’m too busy focusing on someone else and then getting hurt when they don’t make that effort. Being far too eager to please just to get some of the attention I feel like I need.
I live alone for the first time in my life and it’s been more lonely than I could have imagined at times. I’ve had a lot of mixed feelings about this but I feel like the loneliness and the fact that so much of what made me miserable for so long is still somehow causing me problems that life is trying to teach me something about selfishness and putting myself first that I’ve never been able to internalize before.
I think I’ve also decided that my best friends have been the ones who may not talk to me much, but are there for me and truly listen when we do. Like on here. I don’t talk to people as much as I used to but people still message me and I enjoy those conversations even if they take place very slowly and usually with great gaps in them.
This comes after I’ve noticed that everything I do to try and not feel lonely just makes it worse. Go on Facebook, seek out groups of people supposedly looking for friends, even check out dating sites and other forms of social media. That when I get so bad that it takes every ounce of restraint to avoid swallowing an entire bottle of ambien I keep around for some reason because I never have 8 hours to dedicate to sleeping by the time I realize I can’t sleep and find that when I absolutely NEED someone to talk to.... I don’t want to talk to any of them.... and the person who was my go-to for so many years, my ex-wife is the cause of it....
People tell you this stuff all the time and I have come to this realization in the past but I think what I have decided is that I need to learn how to be truly selfish. That I need to learn how to be alone instead of just begrudgingly accepting of feeling alone. How to let things go for my own sanity. That if I’m going to use my time talking to people that it should be the right people....
The problem is that I truly don’t know how to do this...
am i selfish for choosing not to have children?
Am i being selfish?
Advice needed to learn more about depression
Selfish I know
Learning to accept the loneliness
