Wouldn't change a thing....liar, liar pants on fire...

[RCCOLA]

Shit, I’ve been trying to get younger over the last year but it’s just not happening, big surprise. What’s worse, as every day goes by, I’m getting older. Seriously, I really am, crap! You know those great people who, after some grand event, stand at the podium and thank everyone for their success and say something like “if I had to do it all again, I wouldn’t change a thing.” Well, I’m the antithesis of this. I would change so many things. For one, I would be more aggressive in showing girls that I like them. More aggressive for me is running away, but doing so at a jog instead of a sprint. I know, what an enormous difference! So instead of being totally invisible, I would be irrelevant. This is exciting isn’t it. Well, at least it’s an improvement ...Ok, next I would change what I studied in college. I majored in Finance because it was so darned exciting. Seriously, I think I would go back and study something in the sciences like Biology or perhaps even Engineering. Hey, I'd be able to sport a pocket protector legitimately! I would also go back and learn how to play the guitar or even the violin. I have five siblings who play at least two instruments and do so very well and my parents were even more musically gifted. But me…..Not so much. You see, if I could describe myself in one word it would be unremarkable. I say this with all honesty. It’s really not a bad thing at all. Who here can walk into a crowded room and essentially be invisible, no matter how loudly you might shout something or despite jumping up and down like a four year old who didn’t get his way. I can’t even swear right without it sounding mechanical and forced. I bet most of you can’t walk into a movie theater and straight pass the ticket boy right into the newest release without paying your way. I can. Whoo, hoo! You see, I live a life of avoidance, that’s my thing. I avoid everything. I’m not sure how I ended up with wonderful children, however, utilizing this strategy but that’s something I wouldn’t change. So here I am, trying to work out harder to get younger so I can have a do-over. It ain't happening I know. This depression is pretty crappy too as is the anxiety. I’m ****** as far as this goes, there’s no doubt about this. That’s part of what really holds me back or better articulated, buries me at most times. I don’t know, I just don’t know….

[EightArms]

You gained awesome writing skills.

[Hidden]

I understand what you mean. I would change who my parents were or least figure out how to get them to love me,who my sick siblings were and the abuse I suffered in that family, divorce, assault, lost pregnancies and so on. But it is because of the path that I took that makes me who I am now. I would like to have had peace over those years but maybe I would be a materialistic, uncaring, horrible person that just feels entitled and feeds off others pain like so many in the world. I would rather have lived and learned than to be one of the so called normal people out there.

While we are still here we can make lots of changes to our lives like a job, finding our passion forgiving others, turning to God. We can still grow as long as we are alive.

[Hidden]

I so get it. My life is unremarkable & way worse than yours from sound of it. I had a lot of obstacles. It’s not a thing about myself being compared to you. Before life got worse and then some I was ok with unremarkable contentment can be good. If I had so over man I so get it. Why don’t you just start doing something you wouldn’t ordinarily do and say **** it to some of the stuff you are doing. Responsibilities yes ... but what can be shuffled and get into a new crazy fun getaway or something to start by yourself or with a friend that needs to let loose and won’t judge

[RCCOLA in reply to Hidden]

I don't know, the more I think about everything the more the more bland things seem to be, not necessarily in just my life but in all of life. I get it, it's difficult to find meaning in life, especially if you're being honest with yourself. Would I rather go to the Denial Store, sample some denial sandwiches and stock up on buckets of this glorious commodity? You bet. But I can't, unfortunately. I can't let myself get away with anything. So have I wasted my life? I can't answer this although, I feel that answer is just around the corner about to jump out and shout "affirmative!"

Even as a kid I've had tremendous amounts of anxiety with equal helpings of depression later on so I get it, I understand why it's so hard for me or was so difficult to move forward on anything. So, while I'm all too familiar with those days and nights when my bones literally ache and I'm freezing cold despite it being 85 degrees outside with humidity through the roof, all thanks to the depression fairy, I don't often look back and acknowledge just how much this affected me as a kid, albeit in different ways. But it really did keep me from doing anything but worry about how I might avoid the next potential anxiety event.

At the risk of sounding sappy, I really appreciate the kind words in this forum, actually any words at all. It's at least clearer now that people are really important to me so if I could raise a glass and toast everyone in this forum I would. But before you vomit or stick your fingers down your throat in hopes to rid yourself of this sickeningly mawkish and excessively sweet prose I'm typing, I think people is all we really have....all I really have anyway. I just wish I wasn't so laden with anxiety and depression because this keeps me from what's supposedly important. Okay, now you can run to the bathroom or stick your head out the window and heave. Oh, make sure you remove the screen first.

[Hidden in reply to RCCOLA]

Well you managed to get a good education a job so forth with all this against you. Not everyone can be Bill Gates or even that f$’r that does major athletics smiles all the time and gets through stuff we’re all in awe off. But diff genes and nature nurture and luck and choices. Past 10 yrs off my life should be a movie script including famous people and normal people and I’m flat broke scary. Did so much with best intentions and both nature nurture luck so forth ... you get to point when you get here to just be happy to get up and do if you could to work and keep your apartment and make enough to go out or join a gym. So you’re turn to vomit. I so get it. There’s a book called the healing code. Have you read it ? Wish I found it before this weekend you sound like you’re in a midlife crisis lol ... it’s perfectly natural it’s part of getting older enjoy the video

m.youtube.com/watch?v=5IsSp...(Not working as expected?)

[hypercat54]

healthunlocked.com/anxiety-...

[sevreed]

Hang in there. I am going through a tough spell too. Just try to find relief and a little bit of happiness in something about your day. Some days all I have to look forward to is sleep but at least it’s something. And sometimes even that is hard to come by but it will not always be crappy so try to keep that in mind. There will be times of relief and times that are worth it.