a secret

[torpe]

since childhood i’ve mentally freaked out every time i’ve really looked in the mirror...i used to break apart from reality and overly fascinate it’s so hard to put into words…just separated from the reality i was in at the thought that i’m alive and that i exist. i could acknowledge faults and places i would pray to hammer into what i thought i wanted or needed to be but never the thought of people seeing me. because i couldn’t see myself as anything but ugly. i can’t remember a time i didn’t think i was and i know who cares… shallow but as a child my worth didn’t lie on who i was bc who was i? always felt in the way. it’s always all my fault and i’ll take it even if in the real world it isn’t mine. always thought i was fat because i wasn’t more visibly underweight to myself even as my ribs started poking out more (boo hoo cries the skinny girl i know, i’m sorry) and i never understood. it’s never enough. in high school suddenly people were looking at me and i didn’t want them to see. my mind imagined me invisible and i really saw thru them…i was different boys projecting in my faux reality walking slick…unseen, not caring. especially when i played the music i listen to in my head.…writing about myself all the time is disgusting but i don’t tell people this out loud…i always wonder why is there to share with people…i know they can feel the same but i never know if anyone will really get it. it’s always gonna be something.

[Starrlight]

(((((((( ❤️ ))))))))

[torpe in reply to Starrlight]

💖💖💖

[NWGal]

Hi sweetie, kind of sounds like you feel like you need to be perfect in order to feel like your worthy of love. It's interesting how childhood emotional trauma shapes who we become. Have you been to mental health therapy? Sometimes understanding why helps us work through these issues. Don't be afraid to go - we've all been there. Good karma coming your way!

[torpe in reply to NWGal]

thank you for reaching out! maybe so..i’ve been to therapy but stopped going. i’m really crossing my fingers for the good 💖

[NeuronerdDoaty]

First you should always remember that everyone wears a mask in public.

Let’s start from today. Yesterday can’t be changed but how you feel about it can.

I don’t like mirrors or pictures. I was 11 and I saw myself and knew my face wasn’t going to get me anywhere in this world. So I used my brains.

You have skills. I don’t care if you’re what you call ‘ugly’. In my life there are beautiful souls. My husband looks like Shrek. No kidding. Not green. I hope you’re getting some help and remember real people look at your heart.

You matter. Right now and forever you matter.

[torpe in reply to NeuronerdDoaty]

thank you for this...i know they do.…