I don’t know how my experiences compare to to those of other people and that thought makes me wonder if it’s insignificant in the big picture. I was able to journal a lot of what I’m feeling tonight and I felt the need to reach out for validation and perspective. If anyone cares to read and reply, I would welcome your input. I didn’t plan to share these thoughts when I wrote them. Names have been changed. I’m going to paste my journal entry. Thanks to anyone who gives feedback, your time is appreciated.
9/16/19: have been feeling very down, unmotivated and generally sad or depressed for weeks, most often when at work, getting ready for work or thinking about work, but also resulting from negative interactions with Amber or her expressions of her mood at times. For a few days or maybe a week, been having moments of normalcy that have faded easily with a minor negative experience. These moments seem to have become slightly more frequent over time and recently, even becoming better in the sense that I’ve felt happy or at peace in them. Today for a while I felt lighter than I have in long enough that I can’t really say when I last experienced the feeling, though I know I have before. After meeting with Trish and Brian at work and enjoying talking with them, I took my lunch break to enjoy some me time at jj’s. It was nice. The rest of my shift went off without any significant stressful experience and I left feeling basically content, a welcome state following weeks of frequent despair. My mood / attitude were quickly thrown back into a particularly negative position after Amber berated me for suggesting she take some melatonin in response to her saying how tired she’s been and that she’d like to establish a better sleep routine. She’s been staying up until the early morning hours frequently for weeks and not getting out of bed in the mornings for weeks as I’ve been sleeping on the couch. At first I did because the bed added to my back pain, then also so I could do what I wanted more. Then more still because I didn’t like trying to sleep while she was awake, she’d also appear put out by me being there sometimes or encroach on my personal space with her coloring supplies. I often wondered if she meant to make me uncomfortable hoping I’d leave her alone in the bedroom. I feel she wants to be awake late into the night in order to get the alone time, but also that the many hours of alone time every day has been excessive and she shows no sign of becoming satisfied with it. I wonder if she lashes out to drive me away physically. She also appears to feel guilty for her outbursts afterwards, yet not acknowledge them openly. This indicates to me that she understands how it makes me feel, at least somewhat. I fear discussing the subject with her because in the past she’s often become extremely defensive and lashed out ferociously in response to be bringing it up. This leads to days of very high stress for me that has a large negative effect on all areas of my life and my attitude / mood. This all fits with behavior in our relationships basically starting from the beginning. I’ve though many times this year that if I were dead I’d at least be free of these feelings. I’ve imagined killing my self. I’ve never wanted to actually go through with it. I’ve imagined ending our relationship and moving out of our house, what that would mean for the kids and how different things might be for me. I worry that things between the kids and amber could degrade in that situation to a point that it causes the kids psychological harm. I feel like every move is a bad one and an arduous one. I feel that my efforts and the stress they place on me make no positive change in the long run, therefore doing nothing and enduring the suffering appeals to me as being the easiest overall option. The thought that I choose a depressing existence because it appears to be my best option should mean more to me in moments of clarity, but it seems like maybe I cope by blocking the reality of things out of my mind. I worry about what my children think and feel and how much my lazy choices effect them. Will it cause them hardships that last their whole lives? I’m ashamed of myself for it, yet gain no motivation to make a change. I often want to leave my life behind, but can’t leave my kids. I also can’t function at work well enough to support them anymore. I’ve become less then adequate. In the moments that amber seems to genuinely sympathize with me, she re-endears herself to me. This often serves to perpetuate this cycle that in recent weeks and months only shows it’s lighter side in brief moments. At this time I’m unable to enjoy life at all, and feel I serve no purpose. I dislike what I see in myself, yet don’t want to work to change anything because my past experience tells me the effort will not be rewarded. Now I see I’m being redundant in this writing. I wish someone could save me. I wish I could save my family and our happiness. I want to like myself again and enjoy my life. I want my kids to be strong, well adjusted and to live without the same burdens I’m describing now, but I’m afraid it’s too late for that. I hate that I allowed myself to reach this point, but also blame amber for her part in it. I feel that blaming her is a cop out partially. I don’t know what’s right or who is right. I wish I had the strength to lift us up. As I finally feel I’m reaching a stopping point here, I find myself both wanting Amber to read this so she’ll see my thoughts and feelings and feel guilt for the role she played, but also not wanting her to read it because it would just spin this wheel I’m in even faster. I missed the breaking point. I’m just making everything worse now.
Struggle Shamed (First Post)
My First Post: Going Through A Divorce.
First post
first post
